Listening to: Soul Meets Body by Death Cab For Cutie
I had my ultrasound this morning and I've been given the go ahead to start the medicine tonight! My next ultrasound is 11/25 at 9 AM and we'll be looking to see how the follicles are growing to determine how many more days of shots I need to do before the IUI. Needless to say, I am way excited and am totally expecting today to drag along.
On a completely different topic, I bought the ham and turkey for our Thanksgiving dinner next week. Looking at the list of food that will be made, you would think I was cooking for 20 people...but no, it's just 6. We've got company Friday to Sunday and then more company next Wednesday to Sunday. There are a lot of things that I need to get done around the house for next week's company but I'll be lucky if I can get most of the items marked off the list.
UPDATE: I took 2 Letrozole pills (5mg total) at 6 PM. No side effects so far but that might not mean anything.
I write like I speak, so if you're a grammar freak just go ahead and close the browser...I won't mind.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Let's get this party started!
Listening to: Arizona by Kings of Leon
We went to Charlotte this past weekend to spend time with our friends and their little girl. I spotted slightly most of the weekend but it was sporadic so I didn't think anything about it. Monday morning, the spotting was a little bit more frequent and I still had two more doses of Prometrium to take. I called my RE's office to speak to the nurse and she told me to just go ahead and stop taking them...evidently, some women start their periods while taking them so it was perfectly normal to be spotting. When I took progesterone before, I always ended up taking all the pills and then waiting for my period to start 3 to 5 days later and I was expecting the same thing with this medicine. Turns out I was wrong...but it's nice to be wrong because Prometrium made me feel really weird and tired so not taking it meant no side effects! So, I officially started my period last night and called my RE's office again to schedule my baseline ultrasound for tomorrow morning at 9 AM. Tomorrow's appointment is just to make sure that there are no cysts so it shouldn't be too big of a deal.
So, what does this mean? Yesterday was cd1 and tomorrow will be cd3 which means I start taking the Letrozole tomorrow night! I will be taking it cd3 to cd7 and then on cd7 I start doing the FSH injections and continue those to cd10. On cd10, I go in for the ultrasound to see what's going on and they tell me how many more days to continue the injections. Finally. We're finally getting somewhere. Excited doesn't even begin to accurately describe the emotion I'm feeling right now!
We went to Charlotte this past weekend to spend time with our friends and their little girl. I spotted slightly most of the weekend but it was sporadic so I didn't think anything about it. Monday morning, the spotting was a little bit more frequent and I still had two more doses of Prometrium to take. I called my RE's office to speak to the nurse and she told me to just go ahead and stop taking them...evidently, some women start their periods while taking them so it was perfectly normal to be spotting. When I took progesterone before, I always ended up taking all the pills and then waiting for my period to start 3 to 5 days later and I was expecting the same thing with this medicine. Turns out I was wrong...but it's nice to be wrong because Prometrium made me feel really weird and tired so not taking it meant no side effects! So, I officially started my period last night and called my RE's office again to schedule my baseline ultrasound for tomorrow morning at 9 AM. Tomorrow's appointment is just to make sure that there are no cysts so it shouldn't be too big of a deal.
So, what does this mean? Yesterday was cd1 and tomorrow will be cd3 which means I start taking the Letrozole tomorrow night! I will be taking it cd3 to cd7 and then on cd7 I start doing the FSH injections and continue those to cd10. On cd10, I go in for the ultrasound to see what's going on and they tell me how many more days to continue the injections. Finally. We're finally getting somewhere. Excited doesn't even begin to accurately describe the emotion I'm feeling right now!
Monday, November 09, 2009
Waiting
I gave up on waiting around for my period to start and began the Prometrium last night. Damn it. So, now I've got 10 days of pills to take and then I wait for my period. I feel like absolute crap. I guess waking up at 4 AM does that to a person!
Still listening to the New Moon soundtrack and I will admit that it's growing on me. These are the songs that I really enjoy:
Still listening to the New Moon soundtrack and I will admit that it's growing on me. These are the songs that I really enjoy:
- Meet Me On The Equinox by Death Cab For Cutie
- Possibility by Lykke Li
- A White Demon Love Song by The Killers
- I Belong to You by Muse
- Done All Wrong by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
- The Violet Hour by Sea Wolf
- Shooting The Moon by Ok Go
- No Sound But The Wind by Editors
- New Moon by Alexandre Desplat
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Merry Samhain!
Listening to: Drive by R.E.M.
So, I had a moment of freaking out and ended up having my medicine shipped yesterday. It arrived this morning by Fed-Ex and for a moment, I felt like a child opening up the first Christmas present. Right now, it's sitting on the dining room table (except for the stuff in the refrigerator) and I get giddy every time I walk by it. Sick, I know.
B finally got home this morning after a nightmare trip home on Delta. You'd think he'd been gone forever by the way he's acting. It's great to have him home though....and hopefully I'll be able to sleep better now that he's in bed beside me.
To avoid indulging in Halloween candy, I didn't even buy any this year. Nope, we're not doing the whole trick-or-treat thing this year. Call us party poopers if you must but I'm not missing it.
So, I had a moment of freaking out and ended up having my medicine shipped yesterday. It arrived this morning by Fed-Ex and for a moment, I felt like a child opening up the first Christmas present. Right now, it's sitting on the dining room table (except for the stuff in the refrigerator) and I get giddy every time I walk by it. Sick, I know.
B finally got home this morning after a nightmare trip home on Delta. You'd think he'd been gone forever by the way he's acting. It's great to have him home though....and hopefully I'll be able to sleep better now that he's in bed beside me.
To avoid indulging in Halloween candy, I didn't even buy any this year. Nope, we're not doing the whole trick-or-treat thing this year. Call us party poopers if you must but I'm not missing it.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Information Overload
Listening to: I Belong To You by Muse
Wow. Today I had my injections class and it went smoothly. It's really not that much different than my allergy injections I used to give myself...except now they're in my stomach. We got this little packet of information with all the instructions and information about the IUI...and they faxed in my prescription and I've already set up the delivery date for my medication (November 6th). Now we just wait around for AF to start which "SHOULD" be next Friday. I'm only giving myself until Sunday and if nothing has happened....I'm going to start the Prometrium.
So, in case your interested, here is the complete medication list for the first cycle:
B comes home late tomorrow night! We've only got to spend 18 hours alone together in the last two weeks so I'm excited to get some quality snuggle time. Unfortunately, he's got a lot going on with school and will probably be spending most of his weekend studying for his test and working on his project.
One last thing...yeah for the time change this weekend (one extra hour of sleep that night) but I'm sad that it'll be getting darked earlier. That will limit my walking on the trails to weekends which is kind of a bummer!
Now, I'm off to bed to see if I can actually fall asleep before 1 AM. This week I haven't had much luck and I feel tired but I've felt tired all week.
Wow. Today I had my injections class and it went smoothly. It's really not that much different than my allergy injections I used to give myself...except now they're in my stomach. We got this little packet of information with all the instructions and information about the IUI...and they faxed in my prescription and I've already set up the delivery date for my medication (November 6th). Now we just wait around for AF to start which "SHOULD" be next Friday. I'm only giving myself until Sunday and if nothing has happened....I'm going to start the Prometrium.
So, in case your interested, here is the complete medication list for the first cycle:
- Ovidrel 250 ug pre-filled syringe
- Gonal-f RFF 450
- Antagon .25mg prefilled syringe
- Progesterone suppositories 50mg (oh yes, suppositories for my whoo-whoo)
- Letrozole 2.5mg
B comes home late tomorrow night! We've only got to spend 18 hours alone together in the last two weeks so I'm excited to get some quality snuggle time. Unfortunately, he's got a lot going on with school and will probably be spending most of his weekend studying for his test and working on his project.
One last thing...yeah for the time change this weekend (one extra hour of sleep that night) but I'm sad that it'll be getting darked earlier. That will limit my walking on the trails to weekends which is kind of a bummer!
Now, I'm off to bed to see if I can actually fall asleep before 1 AM. This week I haven't had much luck and I feel tired but I've felt tired all week.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!
Listening to: The Violet Hour by Sea Wolf
B and I had our follow-up with the doctor yesterday and there are three options she's recommending. The first option is a monitoring cycle of Letrozole and TIC with a cd21 blood draw to see if it worked. The second option is a straight cycle of Letrozole and an IUI. The third option was a sequential cycle of Letrozole and FSH injections with an IUI. Obviously, the options range from very conservative to fairly aggressive and the possibility of multiples really becomes a factor in the third option (20% chance).
It was a lot to think about but B is out of town for the week and we needed to make a decision soon since I'm already on cd18. The doctor doesn't think that I will respond well to the Letrozole alone since I didn't respond to Clomid and she feels that the third option gives us the most "bang for our buck". So....we're going for option three and are keeping our fingers crossed that we fall into the 80% chance of a single birth.
Now, I've got to call and schedule myself for an injections class and wait for AF to show up. Once she does, life is gonna get kinda busy for a while but then the two week wait will begin and I'll go mad. Sitting here now, looking at the protocol list...I'm excited and scared and hopeful that this works. The only negative side to this whole thing is that we're probably going to be missing out on Thanksgiving because of the IUI but it's a small price to pay if this works!
UPDATE: I've scheduled my injections class for Thursday at 1:30. Having given myself allergy shots for two years in the past, I don't think this is going to be too difficult. I just hate that I have to go by myself but it can't be helped.
B and I had our follow-up with the doctor yesterday and there are three options she's recommending. The first option is a monitoring cycle of Letrozole and TIC with a cd21 blood draw to see if it worked. The second option is a straight cycle of Letrozole and an IUI. The third option was a sequential cycle of Letrozole and FSH injections with an IUI. Obviously, the options range from very conservative to fairly aggressive and the possibility of multiples really becomes a factor in the third option (20% chance).
It was a lot to think about but B is out of town for the week and we needed to make a decision soon since I'm already on cd18. The doctor doesn't think that I will respond well to the Letrozole alone since I didn't respond to Clomid and she feels that the third option gives us the most "bang for our buck". So....we're going for option three and are keeping our fingers crossed that we fall into the 80% chance of a single birth.
Now, I've got to call and schedule myself for an injections class and wait for AF to show up. Once she does, life is gonna get kinda busy for a while but then the two week wait will begin and I'll go mad. Sitting here now, looking at the protocol list...I'm excited and scared and hopeful that this works. The only negative side to this whole thing is that we're probably going to be missing out on Thanksgiving because of the IUI but it's a small price to pay if this works!
UPDATE: I've scheduled my injections class for Thursday at 1:30. Having given myself allergy shots for two years in the past, I don't think this is going to be too difficult. I just hate that I have to go by myself but it can't be helped.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
All I Want
Listening to: All I Want by Toad the Wet Sprocket
B made it home from his train vacation last night so we've spent most of the weekend just snuggling up and spending time with each other. Waiting at the airport gate, I watched all the small children when their mommies and daddies got off the plane. I couldn't help but feel like B was missing out by not having his own child there to be excited about his homecoming. With Halloween comes precious children in adorable costumes and another reminder of what we don't have. The hurt is a bitter pill to swallow sometimes but I'm going into this holiday season with more hope than I've had before. It may not be our child at the airport this time or our child going door to door begging for candy but the possibilities for next year are wide open.
Tomorrow is our follow-up appointment with Dr. C so we should have a clear outline of the schedule for the next month. Now, we just have to wait for cd1 to arrive!
B made it home from his train vacation last night so we've spent most of the weekend just snuggling up and spending time with each other. Waiting at the airport gate, I watched all the small children when their mommies and daddies got off the plane. I couldn't help but feel like B was missing out by not having his own child there to be excited about his homecoming. With Halloween comes precious children in adorable costumes and another reminder of what we don't have. The hurt is a bitter pill to swallow sometimes but I'm going into this holiday season with more hope than I've had before. It may not be our child at the airport this time or our child going door to door begging for candy but the possibilities for next year are wide open.
Tomorrow is our follow-up appointment with Dr. C so we should have a clear outline of the schedule for the next month. Now, we just have to wait for cd1 to arrive!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Last Test Done
Listening to: Strange Love by Goo Goo Dolls
This morning I had the ultrasound done to make sure there was nothing unusual going on "down there". Unlike the incident with the my appendix and it's unusual decision to grow up rather than down, everything is exactly where it should be. One tube is definitely open and they can't say for certain that both are open without subjecting me to IV contrast and a rash so I'm content with knowing at least I have one to work with.
All things considered, the testing went fine. I passed all my tests and B sorta passed his so now we've just got to convince my eggs to join the party and we'll actually have a real chance at getting pregnant.
The next appointment is on Monday and we'll be discussing the medication that we will be using in this first cycle. Timing wise, it looks like the first cycle will be mid-November so the possibility of us finally granting my mother's Christmas wish could actually come true this year.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
The Infertility Marathon
Listening to: Silence
We met with the RE as planned on the 13th. The meeting went better than I expected it to and for that I am so grateful. She wanted to check my AMH level, do an HSG, and have B's "gang" tested as part of our initial work-up. She also put me on 500mg of Glucophage which she thinks might help regulate my hormones. I spoke with the doctor on Friday who let me know my AMH level was fine and that she thought our best starting point would be the Femara. If I don't ovulate within the first cycle on the medication, we're going to move on to Femara and injections to try and beat my ovaries into submission.
We briefly talked about B's results. Most all of his numbers were fine but the numbers for motility were lower than normal and she said that it wouldn't be a bad idea to consider doing an IUI just to improve the chances of conceiving. It looks like our baby is going to end up being created in the least personal way possible...but it will still be created out of love so that's a good thing! My HSG is scheduled for Tuesday and I absolutely CAN'T wait to be subjected to that torture. A fun time will be had by all. On the positive side, she doesn't expect to see anything unusual so another positive mark in our column. We have a follow up appointment with her on 10/26 to go over protocols and then we just have to wait until I have another period to begin. She wants me to give it 30 days and if I haven't started, she'll call me in a round or progesterone to force the start. So, it's looking like it will be after 11/8 before we can start the first cycle....but it will be here before you know it.
I'm trying to keep a level head about all of this but I'm finding it difficult to not be excited beyond belief. All my free time is spent thinking about what will happen when we finally get pregnant and for the first time, I feel hopeful. I am just praying that this works out for us and that I won't be faced with even further disappointment. For now, I'm focusing on losing weight, looking at baby furniture, and imagining how I want to decorate the nursery. I can't wait for it to become a reality!
We met with the RE as planned on the 13th. The meeting went better than I expected it to and for that I am so grateful. She wanted to check my AMH level, do an HSG, and have B's "gang" tested as part of our initial work-up. She also put me on 500mg of Glucophage which she thinks might help regulate my hormones. I spoke with the doctor on Friday who let me know my AMH level was fine and that she thought our best starting point would be the Femara. If I don't ovulate within the first cycle on the medication, we're going to move on to Femara and injections to try and beat my ovaries into submission.
We briefly talked about B's results. Most all of his numbers were fine but the numbers for motility were lower than normal and she said that it wouldn't be a bad idea to consider doing an IUI just to improve the chances of conceiving. It looks like our baby is going to end up being created in the least personal way possible...but it will still be created out of love so that's a good thing! My HSG is scheduled for Tuesday and I absolutely CAN'T wait to be subjected to that torture. A fun time will be had by all. On the positive side, she doesn't expect to see anything unusual so another positive mark in our column. We have a follow up appointment with her on 10/26 to go over protocols and then we just have to wait until I have another period to begin. She wants me to give it 30 days and if I haven't started, she'll call me in a round or progesterone to force the start. So, it's looking like it will be after 11/8 before we can start the first cycle....but it will be here before you know it.
I'm trying to keep a level head about all of this but I'm finding it difficult to not be excited beyond belief. All my free time is spent thinking about what will happen when we finally get pregnant and for the first time, I feel hopeful. I am just praying that this works out for us and that I won't be faced with even further disappointment. For now, I'm focusing on losing weight, looking at baby furniture, and imagining how I want to decorate the nursery. I can't wait for it to become a reality!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Is This Week Already Ruined?
Listening to: Possibility by Lykke Li
If I could go back to bed and start this day over, I would. Have you ever had one of those days that you just were pissed off and there wasn't any one thing or person that put you in that mood? Today is that way for me.
In reality, I should be feeling happy and excited for tomorrow but I'm beginning to feel like this is just a foreshadowing of the mood I'm going to be in tomorrow evening. Actually, the pissed off feeling started on Saturday when I started my period. My last period was 8/20.....and wouldn't you know that my period would show up right before my appointment. I'm not sure what this means but I'm afraid this is going to push us further out and delay starting our first cycle again. Maybe it's my body's way of telling me to not go to the doctor! In any case, I'm still going tomorrow. But I'm already feeling annoyed about the whole appointment.
I got a sneak preview of the New Moon soundtrack (which is officially released 10/20). I find it lacking and I'm really disappointed in the overall sound. On the Twilight soundtrack, there were several catchy tunes right from the get go. Not so much on this one. Of the 15 songs on the track list, only three capture my attention, four kinda grows on me, one appeals to the classical side of me, three make me wonder WTF, and the rest I don't even remember. I'm hoping that if I take the time and listen to each track, I'll see the value of each. Here is the track list, with my initial thoughts:
If I could go back to bed and start this day over, I would. Have you ever had one of those days that you just were pissed off and there wasn't any one thing or person that put you in that mood? Today is that way for me.
In reality, I should be feeling happy and excited for tomorrow but I'm beginning to feel like this is just a foreshadowing of the mood I'm going to be in tomorrow evening. Actually, the pissed off feeling started on Saturday when I started my period. My last period was 8/20.....and wouldn't you know that my period would show up right before my appointment. I'm not sure what this means but I'm afraid this is going to push us further out and delay starting our first cycle again. Maybe it's my body's way of telling me to not go to the doctor! In any case, I'm still going tomorrow. But I'm already feeling annoyed about the whole appointment.
I got a sneak preview of the New Moon soundtrack (which is officially released 10/20). I find it lacking and I'm really disappointed in the overall sound. On the Twilight soundtrack, there were several catchy tunes right from the get go. Not so much on this one. Of the 15 songs on the track list, only three capture my attention, four kinda grows on me, one appeals to the classical side of me, three make me wonder WTF, and the rest I don't even remember. I'm hoping that if I take the time and listen to each track, I'll see the value of each. Here is the track list, with my initial thoughts:
- Meet Me On The Equinox by Death Cab For Cutie - Kinda reminded me of Spotlight by Mutemath off the Twilight soundtrack. It's catchy and probably one of my favorites off the whole album.
- Friends by Band of Skulls - Eh...jury is still out on this one. Sort of sounds like the lead singer of BTE. I doubt it'll be one that I just HAVE to hear over and over.
- Hearing Damage by Thom Yorke - Hate it. I feel like I'm in a bad 80s music video.
- Possibility by Lykke Li - Surprisingly good if you can get past the fact that she sounds like MIA.
- A White Demon Love Song by The Killers - Usually one of my favorite bands but I really wasn't feeling this song. Maybe I need to hear it a couple of times for it to grow on me.
- Satellite Heart by Anya Marina - If Colbie Caillat and Jewel had a baby, it would be this singer. It's definitely not memorable.
- I Belong To You (New Moon Remix) by Muse - When I first heard the original version of this song on Muse's latest album, I hated it. I told B that in order for me to like it on the New Moon soundtrack, it would have to be a completely different song. That was a while ago. Having heard the remix, I appreciate the original version so much more. Another one of my ultimate favorite bands but they should have stuck with the original version...the remix is lacking.
- Roslyn by Bon Iver and St. Vincent - A song that I'll forget about as soon as I go to the next one. I get the symbolism though...
- Done All Wrong by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Love it. It sounds so much like an Edward song. Full of angst and pain which is typical of the whole Bella/Edward relationship.
- Monsters by Hurricane Bells - I find myself wanting to fine tune the station because it sounds like horrible reception. For some reason, I imagine Barney singing this. Ugh, moving on.
- The Violet Hour by Sea Wolf - Has potential to become a favorite. It's such a Jacob song and it really makes me feel for the poor guy.
- Shooting The Moon by Ok Go - Another band that I really enjoy but it took a couple of listens to really get into this one. Probably the second strongest song on the album (next to Meet Me On The Equinox).
- Slow Life by Grizzly Bear - The simplicity of this one is what first draws me in. Not a favorite but it doesn't make my ears bleed either.
- No Sound But The Wind by Editors - This one made me question their sanity. Really? Were you just trying to fill up the album and this was the bottom of the barrel? I keep expecting it to break into the Big Love opener. The lyrics are deep but the music just ruins it.
- New Moon (The Meadow) by Alexandre Desplat - Strictly appeals to my classical love. It would have been better if they could have continued with Bella's Lullaby from the first movie because this one doesn't really sound similar and that song was a constant throughout the books.
Friday, October 09, 2009
Weekly Wrap-Up
Listening to: Take A Picture by Filter
So another week has come to an end and we're quickly moving through October. B will be leaving next weekend for a vacation trip with his family so I'll be living it up as a single woman the week of the 17th through the 24th. When I say living it up I mean watching chick flicks, reading, crocheting, and snuggling with the dog....yep, that's living it up for me! I'm a little sad that B isn't going to be here for the Blue October concert in Charlotte on the 23rd because I would LOVE to see them perform again.
Looking at the weekends for the remainder of 2009, I can already see that the coming months are going to be full of stress. October's weekends are pretty much booked. With B flying out and back in on Saturdays, it pretty much shoots two weekends in the foot. We might be going to Charlotte for Halloween weekend so that takes up the last weekend. November has B's family coming down the weekend before Thanksgiving and us going to Abingdon Thanksgiving weekend. One weekend we've devoted to celebrating my birthday which only leaves us with one open weekend in November. I was hoping we could go home sometime before Thanksgiving but it's looking doubtful. There is always the possibility that we could go home two weekends in November but I doubt I'll be able to convince B to do it.
I still waiting for my GRE scores to be sent to ECU. Hopefully, I'll be getting good news on that front and can start figuring out what classes to take. Personally, I'm excited at the prospect of going back to school and having homework, projects, and tests to work on.
On the "Project Baby Making" front, we've only got a few more days until the appointment. I'm going to get a notebook this weekend and start jotting down questions that I want to ask. I'm also planning to call a friend of mine who worked in an OB/GYN office and get her advice on questions to ask. Last night we had a discussion about who we would want to raise our child/children should something happen to us and we both agree that there is no clear-cut solution. Although we love our parents and think they are going to be great grandparents, we're reluctant to ask them to be guardians because they've reached a point in their lives where they've raised their own kids and shouldn't be starting over with new ones.
B has a brother and a sister, and I have a brother. B's brother isn't really into having major responsibilities and I wouldn't want to burden him with one. B's sister is a good candidate because she's financially stable, young, and in a solid relationship. But, she's more than likely not going to be living anywhere close to my parents and it is extremely important that my parents be involved after we're gone (they don't have the same financial freedom to see their grandchild whenever). My brother is a good candidate as well. He's young, he would have a bigger support system to help him, and his views on raising children are similar to our own. I know that he wants children someday and I know that he would make an excellent father. The downside is that he's not yet financially stable and he is single. Now I know that the financially stable part shouldn't be that big of a deal because our entire estate would go to our child so there wouldn't be too much of a burden on whoever ends up as guardian. I just struggle with the fact that he's single and I worry about the type of women he could bring into our child's life. He would essentially go from an eligible man with no baggage to an eligible man with baggage and I would hate to do that to him. We even talked about asking our close friends but I'm afraid of what kind of message that would be sending to our families. In any case, it's a big decision that would need to be made but we've got plenty of time to talk about it.
B will be studying most of the weekend but we have a date tomorrow night. Otherwise, I'll be spending my weekend working on my crochet project. The weather is gonna be sucky this weekend so it's a perfect time to stay inside and just relax before the madness starts!
So another week has come to an end and we're quickly moving through October. B will be leaving next weekend for a vacation trip with his family so I'll be living it up as a single woman the week of the 17th through the 24th. When I say living it up I mean watching chick flicks, reading, crocheting, and snuggling with the dog....yep, that's living it up for me! I'm a little sad that B isn't going to be here for the Blue October concert in Charlotte on the 23rd because I would LOVE to see them perform again.
Looking at the weekends for the remainder of 2009, I can already see that the coming months are going to be full of stress. October's weekends are pretty much booked. With B flying out and back in on Saturdays, it pretty much shoots two weekends in the foot. We might be going to Charlotte for Halloween weekend so that takes up the last weekend. November has B's family coming down the weekend before Thanksgiving and us going to Abingdon Thanksgiving weekend. One weekend we've devoted to celebrating my birthday which only leaves us with one open weekend in November. I was hoping we could go home sometime before Thanksgiving but it's looking doubtful. There is always the possibility that we could go home two weekends in November but I doubt I'll be able to convince B to do it.
I still waiting for my GRE scores to be sent to ECU. Hopefully, I'll be getting good news on that front and can start figuring out what classes to take. Personally, I'm excited at the prospect of going back to school and having homework, projects, and tests to work on.
On the "Project Baby Making" front, we've only got a few more days until the appointment. I'm going to get a notebook this weekend and start jotting down questions that I want to ask. I'm also planning to call a friend of mine who worked in an OB/GYN office and get her advice on questions to ask. Last night we had a discussion about who we would want to raise our child/children should something happen to us and we both agree that there is no clear-cut solution. Although we love our parents and think they are going to be great grandparents, we're reluctant to ask them to be guardians because they've reached a point in their lives where they've raised their own kids and shouldn't be starting over with new ones.
B has a brother and a sister, and I have a brother. B's brother isn't really into having major responsibilities and I wouldn't want to burden him with one. B's sister is a good candidate because she's financially stable, young, and in a solid relationship. But, she's more than likely not going to be living anywhere close to my parents and it is extremely important that my parents be involved after we're gone (they don't have the same financial freedom to see their grandchild whenever). My brother is a good candidate as well. He's young, he would have a bigger support system to help him, and his views on raising children are similar to our own. I know that he wants children someday and I know that he would make an excellent father. The downside is that he's not yet financially stable and he is single. Now I know that the financially stable part shouldn't be that big of a deal because our entire estate would go to our child so there wouldn't be too much of a burden on whoever ends up as guardian. I just struggle with the fact that he's single and I worry about the type of women he could bring into our child's life. He would essentially go from an eligible man with no baggage to an eligible man with baggage and I would hate to do that to him. We even talked about asking our close friends but I'm afraid of what kind of message that would be sending to our families. In any case, it's a big decision that would need to be made but we've got plenty of time to talk about it.
B will be studying most of the weekend but we have a date tomorrow night. Otherwise, I'll be spending my weekend working on my crochet project. The weather is gonna be sucky this weekend so it's a perfect time to stay inside and just relax before the madness starts!
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Various and Sundry Things
I did an overhaul on the blog tonight. The hot pink color scheme that I had been rocking for three years just about made me want to claw my eyes out. I think this new look is nice though and I love how easy it is to customize the layout. All in all, I think it's a classier look...neat and sophisticated...something that I wouldn't mind other people seeing.
I'm honestly getting really excited to go to the doctor next Tuesday. Part of me almost wishes that they could have seen me sooner....yeah, funny....I know. I don't know what it is though that has got me chomping at the bit for Tuesday. Part of my eagerness is caused from the time I'm spending on the treadmill in the morning. I'm still trying to find that "perfect" time to exercise and I'm having to think of babies to really stay motivated. During this "me-time", I'm also trying to think of questions that I want to ask the doctor when we see her. Luckily, we live in an area where some of the best infertility specialist work. The doctor we're seeing has actually been rated as one of the Nation's Best Doctors for the last two years. It makes me feel good to be seeing someone of her caliber because I want someone who is as dedicated to this as we are.
Last night, I did something that I haven't done for a while. I pulled out the pregnancy books that I've collected since we started down this road. It was kind of cool to be looking at them and not feel like I'm going to burst into tears. There was a lot of information about the different infertility therapies and I read through some to see what options we would consider. One thing we talked about last night was the risk of multiples. B really would prefer that we only have one child and I am fine with that too. But, some of these medications increase our chances of having multiples to 25% with the highest probability of the multiples being twins. It's important that we're both on the same page on this and when B heard 25%....he got a little nervous. I quickly pointed out though that there was a 75% chance we'd only have one.
We've agreed that having twins wouldn't be a horrible thing. We'd get two out of the deal and would have an instant family. The point where we differ is what if there were three or more. Knowing that a multiples birth means that I would be considered "high risk", I'm not willing to increase the risk by having three babies versus two. Three babies!!! Holy crap! Personally, I feel like it would be in our best interest (health wise) to selectively reduce down to twins. B doesn't feel like he would be ok with that decision. It's probably not even something we'd have to even consider but it's still something that we needed to talk about. So we continue to wait for Tuesday.
I'm honestly getting really excited to go to the doctor next Tuesday. Part of me almost wishes that they could have seen me sooner....yeah, funny....I know. I don't know what it is though that has got me chomping at the bit for Tuesday. Part of my eagerness is caused from the time I'm spending on the treadmill in the morning. I'm still trying to find that "perfect" time to exercise and I'm having to think of babies to really stay motivated. During this "me-time", I'm also trying to think of questions that I want to ask the doctor when we see her. Luckily, we live in an area where some of the best infertility specialist work. The doctor we're seeing has actually been rated as one of the Nation's Best Doctors for the last two years. It makes me feel good to be seeing someone of her caliber because I want someone who is as dedicated to this as we are.
Last night, I did something that I haven't done for a while. I pulled out the pregnancy books that I've collected since we started down this road. It was kind of cool to be looking at them and not feel like I'm going to burst into tears. There was a lot of information about the different infertility therapies and I read through some to see what options we would consider. One thing we talked about last night was the risk of multiples. B really would prefer that we only have one child and I am fine with that too. But, some of these medications increase our chances of having multiples to 25% with the highest probability of the multiples being twins. It's important that we're both on the same page on this and when B heard 25%....he got a little nervous. I quickly pointed out though that there was a 75% chance we'd only have one.
We've agreed that having twins wouldn't be a horrible thing. We'd get two out of the deal and would have an instant family. The point where we differ is what if there were three or more. Knowing that a multiples birth means that I would be considered "high risk", I'm not willing to increase the risk by having three babies versus two. Three babies!!! Holy crap! Personally, I feel like it would be in our best interest (health wise) to selectively reduce down to twins. B doesn't feel like he would be ok with that decision. It's probably not even something we'd have to even consider but it's still something that we needed to talk about. So we continue to wait for Tuesday.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
I did it!
For the past several months, I've been making excuses as to why I couldn't go ahead and make the appointment with my gyno to discuss next steps for dealing with infertility. Although I have a multitude of reasons for not calling, only one is really valid and I can only lean on that excuse for so long before people start to tell me to shut up. Personally, I still think I could have pulled the card out a few more times but what would the final cost end up being?
This past weekend, B made a comment along the lines of the fact that we're already nine months into 2009 and that we could have gotten pregnant and been ready to deliver in that time. At first, I laughed it off but it got me thinking. What have I gained by waiting until now to make the appointment? It's not like much has changed since January (or even May). It's been two years since I last saw my gyno which also happens to be the first time I've ever not been religious about getting the under-carriage checkup. After having a very dear friend die from ovarian cancer (diagnosed too late because she hadn't gone to the doctor in four years), I started to worry that I was putting my own life in danger.
All of a sudden, the excuse I had been holding on to all year suddenly seemed so insignificant when compared to the big picture. I had run out of excuses. Monday morning, I made the appointment. The earliest I could get in with my "mechanic" was 11/3 (Happy Election Day to me!) and part of me was relieved that it was so far out because I was still squeezing the life out of my excuse card. I felt good for finally making the appointment and I was fine with it being next month...life was back in alignment.
Today, I was walking on the treadmill and was starting to have that conversation with myself where I rationalize that it's ok to get off the treadmill early because I'm really not feeling that great anyway, and that slight twinge in my hip really shouldn't be exacerbated because it could really lead to a major injury. Knowing that I had to focus myself or I was going to wimp out, I began to think about the one thing that seems to get me motivated....decorating the nursery of my futuristic baby. So, here I was....Muse blaring from the speakers, my thoughts were on wall colors and themes, and part of my brain was thinking that I needed to replace that song on the walking playlist with something more peppy because I felt like I should be cooling down but I still had 20 minutes. If I waited until November to see the mechanic, I wouldn't be able to get into the RE until mid to late November at the earliest which meant we probably wouldn't actually be able to start a cycle until December. On the other hand, who wants to start a cycle so close to Christmas when you're traveling and sleeping in your old bedroom at your mom and dad's house? Seriously, the idea of "BD" anywhere close to family just makes me cringe...besides, people know we're gonna be trying again. If we were to even be out of the room at the same time, everyone is gonna be thinking that we're sneaking off to a closet and that is just weird.
Do you see how my brain works? So, the first cycle couldn't actually start until January. I really don't want to be seven, eight, or nine months pregnant throughout the whole summer so getting pregnant in January isn't ideal (now I'm just being picky). If I'm going to miss the whole summer misery, I probably shouldn't get pregnant until March (this is me being selfish...oh look, only 10 more minutes to go). This is stupid.....waiting until the 11/3 appointment to make the RE appointment is stupid....I'm going to call the RE today and go ahead and get on their books because they probably won't be able to see me until November anyway.
Fifteen minutes later (I gave myself time to cool down), I called to make the appointment. I almost dropped the phone when they said they could see me next Tuesday...my excuse card just disintegrated. Needless to say, it totally caught B off-guard because he was just thrilled I made the 11/3 appointment and to finally get to see an RE just might have made his whole freaking quarter! Yea me! So, tonight, I've spent lots of time on the internet just trying to get familiar with all the options so that I can go into next week's appointment with a general idea of what path I want to take. Are there specific questions that I should be asking? Any help is GREATLY appreciated.
This past weekend, B made a comment along the lines of the fact that we're already nine months into 2009 and that we could have gotten pregnant and been ready to deliver in that time. At first, I laughed it off but it got me thinking. What have I gained by waiting until now to make the appointment? It's not like much has changed since January (or even May). It's been two years since I last saw my gyno which also happens to be the first time I've ever not been religious about getting the under-carriage checkup. After having a very dear friend die from ovarian cancer (diagnosed too late because she hadn't gone to the doctor in four years), I started to worry that I was putting my own life in danger.
All of a sudden, the excuse I had been holding on to all year suddenly seemed so insignificant when compared to the big picture. I had run out of excuses. Monday morning, I made the appointment. The earliest I could get in with my "mechanic" was 11/3 (Happy Election Day to me!) and part of me was relieved that it was so far out because I was still squeezing the life out of my excuse card. I felt good for finally making the appointment and I was fine with it being next month...life was back in alignment.
Today, I was walking on the treadmill and was starting to have that conversation with myself where I rationalize that it's ok to get off the treadmill early because I'm really not feeling that great anyway, and that slight twinge in my hip really shouldn't be exacerbated because it could really lead to a major injury. Knowing that I had to focus myself or I was going to wimp out, I began to think about the one thing that seems to get me motivated....decorating the nursery of my futuristic baby. So, here I was....Muse blaring from the speakers, my thoughts were on wall colors and themes, and part of my brain was thinking that I needed to replace that song on the walking playlist with something more peppy because I felt like I should be cooling down but I still had 20 minutes. If I waited until November to see the mechanic, I wouldn't be able to get into the RE until mid to late November at the earliest which meant we probably wouldn't actually be able to start a cycle until December. On the other hand, who wants to start a cycle so close to Christmas when you're traveling and sleeping in your old bedroom at your mom and dad's house? Seriously, the idea of "BD" anywhere close to family just makes me cringe...besides, people know we're gonna be trying again. If we were to even be out of the room at the same time, everyone is gonna be thinking that we're sneaking off to a closet and that is just weird.
Do you see how my brain works? So, the first cycle couldn't actually start until January. I really don't want to be seven, eight, or nine months pregnant throughout the whole summer so getting pregnant in January isn't ideal (now I'm just being picky). If I'm going to miss the whole summer misery, I probably shouldn't get pregnant until March (this is me being selfish...oh look, only 10 more minutes to go). This is stupid.....waiting until the 11/3 appointment to make the RE appointment is stupid....I'm going to call the RE today and go ahead and get on their books because they probably won't be able to see me until November anyway.
Fifteen minutes later (I gave myself time to cool down), I called to make the appointment. I almost dropped the phone when they said they could see me next Tuesday...my excuse card just disintegrated. Needless to say, it totally caught B off-guard because he was just thrilled I made the 11/3 appointment and to finally get to see an RE just might have made his whole freaking quarter! Yea me! So, tonight, I've spent lots of time on the internet just trying to get familiar with all the options so that I can go into next week's appointment with a general idea of what path I want to take. Are there specific questions that I should be asking? Any help is GREATLY appreciated.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
26 Days Later
I've been really trying to work hard at this whole "healthy eating" way of life. Since starting this process, I've actually only been on the wagon for 26 days (traveling really got in the way). So far I've lost 13.4 pounds....yep, 13.4! I'm still kind of in shock that I've lost that much so soon but I will tell you, it keeps me motivated to stick with it.
Yesterday was really hard though. My body is going through this hormonal issue right now and I have started my period (22 days after the last one started, mind you!). I don't know what it was about yesterday but I was STARVING all day long! I really tried to stick to my diet, and I did fine with breakfast and lunch but I knew I couldn't stick to it for dinner. Yesterday was also the first day in over a week that I haven't done my hour on the treadmill. I just had no energy!
So, last night...I fell off the wagon and went to Cook-Out and had a hamburger, onion rings, and a sweet tea. On our way home, I also ate a Kit-Kat bar....remember, I'm hormonal!!!!! I didn't beat myself up about it though. Today is a different day and I really haven't had the hunger issue today like I did yesterday. In fact, I'll probably be on the treadmill in a couple of hours.
I like this new me and I love that my clothes are getting looser. Do I think my improved diet and exercise program may be playing a part in my hormone issues? Sure, anything is possible at this point! I feel good and actually look forward to getting on the scales in the morning! All in all, not a bad start!
Yesterday was really hard though. My body is going through this hormonal issue right now and I have started my period (22 days after the last one started, mind you!). I don't know what it was about yesterday but I was STARVING all day long! I really tried to stick to my diet, and I did fine with breakfast and lunch but I knew I couldn't stick to it for dinner. Yesterday was also the first day in over a week that I haven't done my hour on the treadmill. I just had no energy!
So, last night...I fell off the wagon and went to Cook-Out and had a hamburger, onion rings, and a sweet tea. On our way home, I also ate a Kit-Kat bar....remember, I'm hormonal!!!!! I didn't beat myself up about it though. Today is a different day and I really haven't had the hunger issue today like I did yesterday. In fact, I'll probably be on the treadmill in a couple of hours.
I like this new me and I love that my clothes are getting looser. Do I think my improved diet and exercise program may be playing a part in my hormone issues? Sure, anything is possible at this point! I feel good and actually look forward to getting on the scales in the morning! All in all, not a bad start!
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Off the diet topic
This past weekend, B and I had the opportunity to travel with my mom, brother, and grandmother to Washington, DC to visit some family. I had seen Aunt Ruth, Gary and Liz at my grandfather's funeral (almost a year ago) but hadn't seen Diana and Alexandra since I was 15. It was so nice to be around family that we hadn't spent a lot of time with. It was also good to be around Aunt Ruth since she is the last sibling of my grandfather's that is still alive. To hear the stories and see the pictures of a generation ago...it was so thrilling to have new visions of my grandfather to think about when I feel sad.
My Aunt Ruth is a dear, sweet lady. She is always so thoughtful and always so vocal about how great it is for us to visit. She is definitely a very special lady and I have always been closer to her above all of my grandfather's other siblings. I know that she has had a really hard year, having to experience the death of her brother, sister, and brother-in-law within the span of four months. It has been an eye opening experience for her since this was the first time in her long life that she feels old.
To see her in action, you would never believe that she is 87 years old. In fact, she's got more get-up-and-go than most 50 year olds. If I am even half as mobile and rowdy at her age when I'm 87, I will be eternally happy. She mentioned to me, while giving me a tour of her active adult community, that having us come to visit filled a void that she had felt since my grandfather passed away. Those words stuck me more deeply than she could have ever imagined.
It hadn't occurred to me that Aunt Ruth saw us as the last link she had of my grandfather and being with us helped her feel more at peace with his death. She has a loving family of her own, but she also needs to feel and be reassured of our love for her too. She also mentioned that our visit had helped relieve a lot of guilt that she had but before I could ask what guilt, her eyes started to shimmer and I knew it was better to not push further and cause her to feel even more sadness. Maybe she felt guilty for continuing to live when all of her siblings are gone. Maybe she felt guilty because she didn't get to spend time with him right before he passed away. Maybe it was even guilt for not being more involved in our lives. I don't know if I will ever find the reason for her guilt.
If granddad were here, he would tell her to not feel guilty for living because it just wasn't her time to go. He'd tell her that the end would be here soon enough so she needed to make each day count and be comforted in the knowledge that when it was all said and done...her siblings, parents, and loved ones would be there for her again. He would tell her that even though she wasn't there at the end, he knew she loved him and that their last weekend together was full of his favorite memories and the sound of laughter. He would tell her that even though we are a family that is cast to all parts of the country, we are still a family and no amount of distance could break that bond. We may not see each other as often as we like but we're never far from our thoughts.
He would also appreciate the quote from Julie Burchill that I have on my Facebook:
"Tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile."
He would say that he had lived his life completely and was ready to go. How can I possibly disagree with him? Realizing that grief is really for the living, I can't cry for what we've lost because I know that he's happy and I am happy for him. My only hope is that spending time with Aunt Ruth this weekend allowed her to heal and let go of any guilt that she might have felt because life is too short and too precious to go around feeling guilty.
My Aunt Ruth is a dear, sweet lady. She is always so thoughtful and always so vocal about how great it is for us to visit. She is definitely a very special lady and I have always been closer to her above all of my grandfather's other siblings. I know that she has had a really hard year, having to experience the death of her brother, sister, and brother-in-law within the span of four months. It has been an eye opening experience for her since this was the first time in her long life that she feels old.
To see her in action, you would never believe that she is 87 years old. In fact, she's got more get-up-and-go than most 50 year olds. If I am even half as mobile and rowdy at her age when I'm 87, I will be eternally happy. She mentioned to me, while giving me a tour of her active adult community, that having us come to visit filled a void that she had felt since my grandfather passed away. Those words stuck me more deeply than she could have ever imagined.
It hadn't occurred to me that Aunt Ruth saw us as the last link she had of my grandfather and being with us helped her feel more at peace with his death. She has a loving family of her own, but she also needs to feel and be reassured of our love for her too. She also mentioned that our visit had helped relieve a lot of guilt that she had but before I could ask what guilt, her eyes started to shimmer and I knew it was better to not push further and cause her to feel even more sadness. Maybe she felt guilty for continuing to live when all of her siblings are gone. Maybe she felt guilty because she didn't get to spend time with him right before he passed away. Maybe it was even guilt for not being more involved in our lives. I don't know if I will ever find the reason for her guilt.
If granddad were here, he would tell her to not feel guilty for living because it just wasn't her time to go. He'd tell her that the end would be here soon enough so she needed to make each day count and be comforted in the knowledge that when it was all said and done...her siblings, parents, and loved ones would be there for her again. He would tell her that even though she wasn't there at the end, he knew she loved him and that their last weekend together was full of his favorite memories and the sound of laughter. He would tell her that even though we are a family that is cast to all parts of the country, we are still a family and no amount of distance could break that bond. We may not see each other as often as we like but we're never far from our thoughts.
He would also appreciate the quote from Julie Burchill that I have on my Facebook:
"Tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile."
He would say that he had lived his life completely and was ready to go. How can I possibly disagree with him? Realizing that grief is really for the living, I can't cry for what we've lost because I know that he's happy and I am happy for him. My only hope is that spending time with Aunt Ruth this weekend allowed her to heal and let go of any guilt that she might have felt because life is too short and too precious to go around feeling guilty.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Diet Day 7
So what happened to day 6? Well, I ate really well for breakfast and lunch. I walked 2.5 miles. I consumed my 64 ounces of water. The reason I didn't document it was because we had sushi for dinner and I'm not even sure how many calories I had but I'm positive that I was within my ranges. Of course, weigh-in this morning showed a 3.6 pound gain but I am attributing that to water retention because I would have to eat more than 10,000 calories to gain 3.6 pounds overnight. In case you're interested, here is my data for day 6 (not including dinner)goal/actual:
Calories: 1600/671
Carbs (g): 240/120
Protein (g): 80/33
Fat (g): 36/13
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/19
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 2/2.5
Weight loss as of this morning (total): 5.4 pounds
Here is the breakdown for day 7 (goal/actual):
Calories: 1600/1457
Carbs (g): 240/242.1
Protein (g): 80/67
Fat (g): 36/28.2
Dietary Fiber (g): 25/27.5
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 2/2.5
Weight loss as of this morning (total): 1.8 pounds
Tomorrow night, we're having sushi again for dinner so I will post my breakfast and lunch totals only. We're also going to be having birthday cake after dinner and I'm not going to deny myself but will try to only limit myself to a small piece (no promises!).
Calories: 1600/671
Carbs (g): 240/120
Protein (g): 80/33
Fat (g): 36/13
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/19
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 2/2.5
Weight loss as of this morning (total): 5.4 pounds
Here is the breakdown for day 7 (goal/actual):
Calories: 1600/1457
Carbs (g): 240/242.1
Protein (g): 80/67
Fat (g): 36/28.2
Dietary Fiber (g): 25/27.5
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 2/2.5
Weight loss as of this morning (total): 1.8 pounds
Tomorrow night, we're having sushi again for dinner so I will post my breakfast and lunch totals only. We're also going to be having birthday cake after dinner and I'm not going to deny myself but will try to only limit myself to a small piece (no promises!).
Friday, May 22, 2009
Day 5...and then I'm going to relax my eating
Even with eating out tonight, I'm still going to be sticking to my targets.
Here is the breakdown for day 5 (goal/actual):
Calories: 1600/1452
Carbs (g): 240/217
Protein (g): 80/79
Fat (g): 36/32.5
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/29
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 0/0 - Got too much other stuff to do today!
Weight loss as of this morning: 5.2 pounds
Mom is really concerned about what to fix while I'm home but I keep telling her to just relax and fix what she would normally make. Of course, I did veto the homemade cinnamon rolls because if I can't eat them...no one else can either.
For the next few days, I won't have my scale or my tracker so I'm not going to have anything to post. We will be getting back Monday night so I will officially start back on the "lifestyle change" on Tuesday. On the other hand, I'm not going to go hog wild and pig crazy this weekend either so Tuesday's weigh-in should be interesting.
Here is the breakdown for day 5 (goal/actual):
Calories: 1600/1452
Carbs (g): 240/217
Protein (g): 80/79
Fat (g): 36/32.5
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/29
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 0/0 - Got too much other stuff to do today!
Weight loss as of this morning: 5.2 pounds
Mom is really concerned about what to fix while I'm home but I keep telling her to just relax and fix what she would normally make. Of course, I did veto the homemade cinnamon rolls because if I can't eat them...no one else can either.
For the next few days, I won't have my scale or my tracker so I'm not going to have anything to post. We will be getting back Monday night so I will officially start back on the "lifestyle change" on Tuesday. On the other hand, I'm not going to go hog wild and pig crazy this weekend either so Tuesday's weigh-in should be interesting.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
It was a breeze I tell ya!
Day 4 was way easier than day 3. I didn't have any cravings the whole day and really didn't feel hungry all day. I had to force myself to eat a bowl of Fiber One cereal at about 9pm in order to get my calories and dietary fiber up. I really don't want to consume any less than 1200 calories and one bowl of cereal is 200 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, and 13 grams of dietary fiber so getting the 30 grams of dietary fiber is much easier!
Here is the breakdown for day 4 (goal/actual):
Calories: 1600/1391
Carbs (g): 240/210
Protein (g): 80/96.5
Fat (g): 36/26
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/34
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 1.2/2.45
Weight loss as of this morning: 4.4 pounds
Tomorrow we're heading home but I have my dinner already planned out so I feel prepared. I'm also taking a box of my cereal to eat for breakfast and lunch so I can be more liberal at dinner. Unfortunately, I won't have my tracker or scale with me so I will have to pick back up on that when I return.
Here is the breakdown for day 4 (goal/actual):
Calories: 1600/1391
Carbs (g): 240/210
Protein (g): 80/96.5
Fat (g): 36/26
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/34
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 1.2/2.45
Weight loss as of this morning: 4.4 pounds
Tomorrow we're heading home but I have my dinner already planned out so I feel prepared. I'm also taking a box of my cereal to eat for breakfast and lunch so I can be more liberal at dinner. Unfortunately, I won't have my tracker or scale with me so I will have to pick back up on that when I return.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Today I won my first battle
Today has been yet another stressful day at work and by 5:30 my stomach was screaming to eat. Sitting at my desk all day, I couldn't help but notice a cup from my last trip to Cook-Out last week and it seems that the cup had learned the art of torture. By the end of the day, all I could think about is "I WANT A BURGER, CAJUN FRIES, AND A SWEET TEA FROM COOK-OUT".
Of course, it was even more tempting because B was working late tonight so I had to fend for dinner on my own. In an effort to dissuade myself, I called my mom so that I could listen to her coaching me to stick with my healthy eating. Turns out, my mom wasn't really into coaching today. After I explained my great predicament and exclaimed that cup was practically begging me to drive to Cook-Out and that I was thisclose to giving in to my temptation...my mom tells me "Well.....I've gotta go cook dinner so I'll talk to you later". Huh?!
Your child just called to tell you that THE most powerful drug she could ever desire (fatty, calorie laden foods) is trying to bust down the door of her healthy eating temple and you have to go cook dinner? Gee thanks....when I gain 5 pounds of water weight from the fry seasoning, I know where to point the finger!
So, for the next hour I argued with myself...eat healthy....go to Cook-Out....eat healthy....one meal off the wagon won't kill you....eat healthy. Finally, I forced myself to drive to Wendy's and get a Grilled Chicken Sandwich. Believe me, it was touch and go all the way to the drive-thru menu because I really thought the car was going to overpower me and drive my ass to Fuquay-Varina and force (not really) fries and a hamburger down my throat.
The point of all of this is that I didn't give in to willpower. I know that Friday night, I probably won't be eating healthy because we'll be driving back to Abingdon and I don't want the eventual guilt of eating "poorly" two nights out of five. Besides, eating back home is so much harder than eating at home and I'm sure it will be even harder to eat healthier there. I feel like I've accomplished something by being stronger than the pull of the craving. I feel empowered! Oh, and that cup....I made B remove it when he got home! Try talking me into giving in now!
Here is the breakdown for day 3 (goal/actual):
Calories: 1600/1476
Carbs (g): 240/138
Protein (g): 80/49.5
Fat (g): 36/25
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/33
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 1.2/0**
Weight loss as of this morning: Still holding at 2.6 lbs
**I will be making this up on Friday.
Of course, it was even more tempting because B was working late tonight so I had to fend for dinner on my own. In an effort to dissuade myself, I called my mom so that I could listen to her coaching me to stick with my healthy eating. Turns out, my mom wasn't really into coaching today. After I explained my great predicament and exclaimed that cup was practically begging me to drive to Cook-Out and that I was thisclose to giving in to my temptation...my mom tells me "Well.....I've gotta go cook dinner so I'll talk to you later". Huh?!
Your child just called to tell you that THE most powerful drug she could ever desire (fatty, calorie laden foods) is trying to bust down the door of her healthy eating temple and you have to go cook dinner? Gee thanks....when I gain 5 pounds of water weight from the fry seasoning, I know where to point the finger!
So, for the next hour I argued with myself...eat healthy....go to Cook-Out....eat healthy....one meal off the wagon won't kill you....eat healthy. Finally, I forced myself to drive to Wendy's and get a Grilled Chicken Sandwich. Believe me, it was touch and go all the way to the drive-thru menu because I really thought the car was going to overpower me and drive my ass to Fuquay-Varina and force (not really) fries and a hamburger down my throat.
The point of all of this is that I didn't give in to willpower. I know that Friday night, I probably won't be eating healthy because we'll be driving back to Abingdon and I don't want the eventual guilt of eating "poorly" two nights out of five. Besides, eating back home is so much harder than eating at home and I'm sure it will be even harder to eat healthier there. I feel like I've accomplished something by being stronger than the pull of the craving. I feel empowered! Oh, and that cup....I made B remove it when he got home! Try talking me into giving in now!
Here is the breakdown for day 3 (goal/actual):
Calories: 1600/1476
Carbs (g): 240/138
Protein (g): 80/49.5
Fat (g): 36/25
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/33
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 1.2/0**
Weight loss as of this morning: Still holding at 2.6 lbs
**I will be making this up on Friday.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Day 2 of the diet
I managed to stick with it even with some extra work stress....but it was a real battle not to grab the most fattening food I could find in the pantry. Here is the breakdown for today (goal/actual):
Calories: 1600/1244
Carbs (g): 240/170.5
Protein (g): 80/82
Fat (g): 36/35
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/23.5
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/6
Walked (miles): 1/2.6
Weight loss as of this morning: 2.6 lbs
Calories: 1600/1244
Carbs (g): 240/170.5
Protein (g): 80/82
Fat (g): 36/35
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/23.5
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/6
Walked (miles): 1/2.6
Weight loss as of this morning: 2.6 lbs
Falling off the wagon
My name is LeeAnne and I am an emotional eater. If I'm stressed, I eat. If I'm happy, I eat. If I'm sad, I eat. It is a horrible cycle that I have yet to find a way to stop. I realize the need to improve my diet and exercise more....but losing weight has been exceptionally hard. I like convenience and I like quick and neither of these things really describe healthy eating and exercise. I also like immediate results which is probably why I have spent more time off the wagon instead of on it. I get really motivated at the beginning but the results take FOREVER so I lose what motivation I had...and then I feel bad about myself so I eat!
I'm also the kind of girl that can think of her favorite foods and instantly be overtaken by a craving that leaves me crumpled in a heap begging to get the images out of my head. Unfortunately, the only way to get rid of the craving is to give in....so I eat. Guilt then ensues and that only drives me to eat MORE...and the 6 Thin Mints have now turned into a whole sleeve of Thin Mints (damn you Girl Scouts and your little satan cookies!).
I began a new experiment yesterday to see if I have better results. My new "diet" consists of this (note: this is an experiment for a major Type A control freak):
1. I now keep a food journal (in Excel) of everything I eat during the day. I track how much I eat and the nutritional information for that item (calories, fat, protein, carbs, and dietary fiber).
2. My daily caloric intake will not exceed 1600 but I will not flog myself mercilessly in the town square if I sometimes find myself going over that target.
3. My carbs/protein/fat breakdown will stick as close to 60%/20%/20% as possible.
4. I will eat 3 meals a day PLUS 2 snacks...and no eating after 8 PM.
5. I will drink as close to 8 glasses of water a day as possible.
6. Before going out to eat, I will check nutritional information of the restaurant before leaving the house so that I have a plan and will focus on that plan so as not to be dissuaded by other "non-healthy but oh-so-tasting" items on the menu.
7. Every other day, I will walk 2 miles on my treadmill and if my fat inner self tries to talk me out of it, I WILL fight back and piss myself off enough to lug my fat butt onto the treadmill just to prove that I can do it.
8. I will walk a mile outside every day just to change up the scenery and get out in the fresh air.
9. If I find myself cowering in a corner because of a craving, I will picture myself pregnant and decorating the nursery to try and keep my focus.
10. If I give in to the craving, I will not beat myself up but will brush myself off and pick up where I left off.
11. I WILL TRY NOT TO GET DISCOURAGED when the weight seems to take longer to get off then it does to put on. To focus on the small victories, I will weigh myself every morning and record my weight in a nice, pretty graph.
12. I will set shorter goals (i.e., drop 6 pounds in 2 weeks as opposed to losing 30 pounds in 3 months) to keep my drive up and the finish lines in sight.
So there is my 12 step plan. I can do this and I WILL do this.
Yesterday wasn't so bad (and I even had Wendy's for dinner!). Here is what the final totals were for the day (target/actual):
Calories: 1600/1572
Carbs: 240/251
Fat: 36/26
Protein: 80/80.5
Dietary Fiber: 30/30
Water Intake: 8/7
Exercise: 3 miles/3.2 miles
Day 2 is a little harder because I've cut out caffine and am more hungry today for some reason but I'm holding onto my spreadsheet as hard as I can.
I'm also the kind of girl that can think of her favorite foods and instantly be overtaken by a craving that leaves me crumpled in a heap begging to get the images out of my head. Unfortunately, the only way to get rid of the craving is to give in....so I eat. Guilt then ensues and that only drives me to eat MORE...and the 6 Thin Mints have now turned into a whole sleeve of Thin Mints (damn you Girl Scouts and your little satan cookies!).
I began a new experiment yesterday to see if I have better results. My new "diet" consists of this (note: this is an experiment for a major Type A control freak):
1. I now keep a food journal (in Excel) of everything I eat during the day. I track how much I eat and the nutritional information for that item (calories, fat, protein, carbs, and dietary fiber).
2. My daily caloric intake will not exceed 1600 but I will not flog myself mercilessly in the town square if I sometimes find myself going over that target.
3. My carbs/protein/fat breakdown will stick as close to 60%/20%/20% as possible.
4. I will eat 3 meals a day PLUS 2 snacks...and no eating after 8 PM.
5. I will drink as close to 8 glasses of water a day as possible.
6. Before going out to eat, I will check nutritional information of the restaurant before leaving the house so that I have a plan and will focus on that plan so as not to be dissuaded by other "non-healthy but oh-so-tasting" items on the menu.
7. Every other day, I will walk 2 miles on my treadmill and if my fat inner self tries to talk me out of it, I WILL fight back and piss myself off enough to lug my fat butt onto the treadmill just to prove that I can do it.
8. I will walk a mile outside every day just to change up the scenery and get out in the fresh air.
9. If I find myself cowering in a corner because of a craving, I will picture myself pregnant and decorating the nursery to try and keep my focus.
10. If I give in to the craving, I will not beat myself up but will brush myself off and pick up where I left off.
11. I WILL TRY NOT TO GET DISCOURAGED when the weight seems to take longer to get off then it does to put on. To focus on the small victories, I will weigh myself every morning and record my weight in a nice, pretty graph.
12. I will set shorter goals (i.e., drop 6 pounds in 2 weeks as opposed to losing 30 pounds in 3 months) to keep my drive up and the finish lines in sight.
So there is my 12 step plan. I can do this and I WILL do this.
Yesterday wasn't so bad (and I even had Wendy's for dinner!). Here is what the final totals were for the day (target/actual):
Calories: 1600/1572
Carbs: 240/251
Fat: 36/26
Protein: 80/80.5
Dietary Fiber: 30/30
Water Intake: 8/7
Exercise: 3 miles/3.2 miles
Day 2 is a little harder because I've cut out caffine and am more hungry today for some reason but I'm holding onto my spreadsheet as hard as I can.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Latest Happenings....
It has been a few weeks since I've had time to actually sit down and focus some time on my poor, neglected blog. Since my last posting, I went to a baby shower for our dear friends whose pregnancy has been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster for myself and my own issues with infertility. It was the first time I have seen her since before she got pregnant and it was the first time I had spoken to her since they announced their news (aside from a letter explaining why I was being so distant). I thought I was prepared and I thought it wouldn't be too painful but I was wrong on both accounts. I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming emotions of seeing her and wishing that I was pregnant. I wasn't prepared to feel so hurt because the struggle for us has been so difficult but yet so easy for everyone else. I tried to put on a happy face and pretend that everything was fine but even she noticed how quiet I was. Luckily, I had my mom there and she was quick to suggest that we go home when she saw that my armor was starting to crack. The whole experience reminded me of a piece of flair that I have on my Facebook that says:
"I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like it's all a dream, and pretend it's not hurting me."
B is wanting to go see them in February one last time before the baby arrives and everything changes. As of right now, I've committed to going but I'm not going to force myself if I'm going to spend the whole weekend upset. It's not fair to them and it wouldn't be fair to me. Enough about that stuff now!
Recent announcements were made at work that put my job and its stability into question. I wallowed in pity and worry for about 5 days but I've smacked myself in the face and told myself to get over it. At this point, we still don't know anything but I've decided that I'm not going to worry about it. If I get laid off, I get laid off and no amount of worrying is going to change it. On the other hand, if I don't get laid off...I will not have wasted time worrying about something that didn't happen. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic...maybe I'm in denial....but either way, I feel like I'm in a better mental state than I was on January 14th.
The family drama has died down some. The family has split itself up into two camps...us and them. Some of us aren't even interested in ever talking to some of them ever again while some of us try to bridge the gap with those in the them group. I've resigned myself to the fact that our family is never going to be the way it used to be but my life goes on. I've got my own family and don't feel like I'm missing out by closing others out of my life. I find it easier and less stressful to just shut doors permanently rather than keeping them partially open and letting myself be repeatedly hurt by the actions of others. Walls are easier to be built while you are strong rather than waiting until you are too weak. By the same token, walls are easier to be torn down when you are strong too...not that I think that these walls will ever come down again. I'm not opposed to the family working it out and becoming the one cohesive group we used to be but it's going to take a lot of work and positive actions from them before I'm even willing to acknowledge them. Maybe I'm being pigheaded and difficult but I value my mental sanity and I despise tumultuous relationships with members of my own family so I'm just stopping it now. My friend David is probably rolling his eyes though because it's just one more wall I've got now and oh how he hates those damn walls!
February is going to be a crazy month...the weekends are already getting full. Spring is around the corner and I can't wait! That's all I've got in me for now!
"I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like it's all a dream, and pretend it's not hurting me."
B is wanting to go see them in February one last time before the baby arrives and everything changes. As of right now, I've committed to going but I'm not going to force myself if I'm going to spend the whole weekend upset. It's not fair to them and it wouldn't be fair to me. Enough about that stuff now!
Recent announcements were made at work that put my job and its stability into question. I wallowed in pity and worry for about 5 days but I've smacked myself in the face and told myself to get over it. At this point, we still don't know anything but I've decided that I'm not going to worry about it. If I get laid off, I get laid off and no amount of worrying is going to change it. On the other hand, if I don't get laid off...I will not have wasted time worrying about something that didn't happen. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic...maybe I'm in denial....but either way, I feel like I'm in a better mental state than I was on January 14th.
The family drama has died down some. The family has split itself up into two camps...us and them. Some of us aren't even interested in ever talking to some of them ever again while some of us try to bridge the gap with those in the them group. I've resigned myself to the fact that our family is never going to be the way it used to be but my life goes on. I've got my own family and don't feel like I'm missing out by closing others out of my life. I find it easier and less stressful to just shut doors permanently rather than keeping them partially open and letting myself be repeatedly hurt by the actions of others. Walls are easier to be built while you are strong rather than waiting until you are too weak. By the same token, walls are easier to be torn down when you are strong too...not that I think that these walls will ever come down again. I'm not opposed to the family working it out and becoming the one cohesive group we used to be but it's going to take a lot of work and positive actions from them before I'm even willing to acknowledge them. Maybe I'm being pigheaded and difficult but I value my mental sanity and I despise tumultuous relationships with members of my own family so I'm just stopping it now. My friend David is probably rolling his eyes though because it's just one more wall I've got now and oh how he hates those damn walls!
February is going to be a crazy month...the weekends are already getting full. Spring is around the corner and I can't wait! That's all I've got in me for now!
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
I should explain...read at your own risk.
On Monday, I put a new countdown clock on my sidebar with a very vague explanation about what would happen in 83 days. Today, I'm going to "reveal" what the countdown actually means.
B and I decided that we were ready to have a baby on December 26, 2006 (yes, I remember the exact date). I had been on birth control pills ever since I was 18 in order to regulate my cycles and knew that coming off the birth control would create all kinds of problems for my body. At my last appointment with my doctor in April of that year, I had mentioned that B and I were tossing around the idea of a baby but that I was concerned about my ability to ovulate. She told me that when we were ready, to start monitoring my cycles and if I wasn't in a normal pattern within 6 months to come back in. I had actually stopped taking birth control pills in October 2006 because I knew I was going to have problems and I figured that if I stopped taking them at that time, it would just give my body more time to adjust. The problem was...I wasn't.
We went to see the doctor in February and I took in my BBT charts. She looked over them and concluded that I wasn't ovulating...duh, I had 2 periods in 6 months! She sent me for the usual work-up and told me that all was not lost. I went home with two prescriptions that day, one for Clomid and one for Progesterone. Once my blood work all came back normal, she told me to take the Progesterone for 10 days and wait for my period. Once it started, I was to take the Clomid from cd5 to cd9 and we started out at the 50mg dose. I was instructed to come back in on cd21 for a blood test to determine if I had ovulated. I was convinced this was going to help so I was methodical in taking my temperature every day, recording it, taking my medicine at the exact same time every day, and wondering if every twitch and pain was a sign that it was working. On cd 21 I went in for my blood test, and the very next day they called with the results. I will never forget that conversation!
"Hello."
"Hi, is LeeAnne there? This is Dr. Gausmann."
"Hi Dr. Gausmann. This is LeeAnne, how are you?"
"I'm good. Listen, we got your blood work back. I'm afraid you didn't ovulate."
"Ok........well.....crap. What was my level, just out of curiosity?"
"It was less than point two."
"Less than point two?! Really? It didn't even register?"
"Don't give up yet. It was such a low dose, I didn't think the first time around would work. Let's try 100mg this month on the same cycle days...."
The rest of the conversation was a blur because I was still focusing on the "LESS THAN .2" thing. So next month, same thing (still less than .2). The month after that we did 150mg and I wasn't surprised when I still didn't register. I was kind of numb at this point and felt like a failure as a woman. The month after that we decided to try 150mg for 7 days rather than 5 and when they called with those results, I just didn't give a damn anymore.
At that point, I was becoming obsessive about the whole thing and decided to just take a break. My doctor wanted to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist and said we could give injections a try. Of course, this scared the crap out of B because the chance of multiples goes up and he wasn't really looking to have twins. So we just let nature take its course until I was ready. Flash forward a year...nothing changed with my body. I wasn't having periods...but would occasionally have bleeding that would last for a day to sometimes as long as twenty days. I was so pissed at my body by this point that I was ready to become the old lady with 50 cats.
July 2008 was when my life got turned upside down. My family hit a rough patch and I was under a lot of pressure. Suddenly I started having "periods" every month...they were irregular and varied in length. I was suddenly optimistic because I felt like my hormones were starting to regulate. We had decided to go back to the doctor in the Fall to try Clomid again and I was ready to handle the emotional roller coaster. Right after we made that decision, our closest friends announced they were pregnant after trying the first month and I was sent reeling. I was so mad with the universe and the hand that B and I had been dealt and I was so hurt and sad that I wasn't in any mood to go see the doctor. It took months for me to even be able to face my dear sweet friend and even then I could only talk to her through texts and a really long letter I sent her to explain my poor behavior. Luckily, she understood and was giving me all the time I needed to get through it. I still haven't been able to see her in person but I am going to her shower this weekend so I'd better prepare myself.
Around my birthday, B started asking when we were going to go back to the doctor and I got so nervous thinking about it. We finally compromised on January....but as January approached I started getting anxious and told him I wasn't ready. So we've made another compromise to make the appointment on March 31st which is what the ticker represents. I have 83 days to lose 25 pounds and get myself ready to give this whole thing another shot. If it doesn't work this time around....I think we're going to try the injections but I'm holding out hope that it won't come to that.
B and I decided that we were ready to have a baby on December 26, 2006 (yes, I remember the exact date). I had been on birth control pills ever since I was 18 in order to regulate my cycles and knew that coming off the birth control would create all kinds of problems for my body. At my last appointment with my doctor in April of that year, I had mentioned that B and I were tossing around the idea of a baby but that I was concerned about my ability to ovulate. She told me that when we were ready, to start monitoring my cycles and if I wasn't in a normal pattern within 6 months to come back in. I had actually stopped taking birth control pills in October 2006 because I knew I was going to have problems and I figured that if I stopped taking them at that time, it would just give my body more time to adjust. The problem was...I wasn't.
We went to see the doctor in February and I took in my BBT charts. She looked over them and concluded that I wasn't ovulating...duh, I had 2 periods in 6 months! She sent me for the usual work-up and told me that all was not lost. I went home with two prescriptions that day, one for Clomid and one for Progesterone. Once my blood work all came back normal, she told me to take the Progesterone for 10 days and wait for my period. Once it started, I was to take the Clomid from cd5 to cd9 and we started out at the 50mg dose. I was instructed to come back in on cd21 for a blood test to determine if I had ovulated. I was convinced this was going to help so I was methodical in taking my temperature every day, recording it, taking my medicine at the exact same time every day, and wondering if every twitch and pain was a sign that it was working. On cd 21 I went in for my blood test, and the very next day they called with the results. I will never forget that conversation!
"Hello."
"Hi, is LeeAnne there? This is Dr. Gausmann."
"Hi Dr. Gausmann. This is LeeAnne, how are you?"
"I'm good. Listen, we got your blood work back. I'm afraid you didn't ovulate."
"Ok........well.....crap. What was my level, just out of curiosity?"
"It was less than point two."
"Less than point two?! Really? It didn't even register?"
"Don't give up yet. It was such a low dose, I didn't think the first time around would work. Let's try 100mg this month on the same cycle days...."
The rest of the conversation was a blur because I was still focusing on the "LESS THAN .2" thing. So next month, same thing (still less than .2). The month after that we did 150mg and I wasn't surprised when I still didn't register. I was kind of numb at this point and felt like a failure as a woman. The month after that we decided to try 150mg for 7 days rather than 5 and when they called with those results, I just didn't give a damn anymore.
At that point, I was becoming obsessive about the whole thing and decided to just take a break. My doctor wanted to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist and said we could give injections a try. Of course, this scared the crap out of B because the chance of multiples goes up and he wasn't really looking to have twins. So we just let nature take its course until I was ready. Flash forward a year...nothing changed with my body. I wasn't having periods...but would occasionally have bleeding that would last for a day to sometimes as long as twenty days. I was so pissed at my body by this point that I was ready to become the old lady with 50 cats.
July 2008 was when my life got turned upside down. My family hit a rough patch and I was under a lot of pressure. Suddenly I started having "periods" every month...they were irregular and varied in length. I was suddenly optimistic because I felt like my hormones were starting to regulate. We had decided to go back to the doctor in the Fall to try Clomid again and I was ready to handle the emotional roller coaster. Right after we made that decision, our closest friends announced they were pregnant after trying the first month and I was sent reeling. I was so mad with the universe and the hand that B and I had been dealt and I was so hurt and sad that I wasn't in any mood to go see the doctor. It took months for me to even be able to face my dear sweet friend and even then I could only talk to her through texts and a really long letter I sent her to explain my poor behavior. Luckily, she understood and was giving me all the time I needed to get through it. I still haven't been able to see her in person but I am going to her shower this weekend so I'd better prepare myself.
Around my birthday, B started asking when we were going to go back to the doctor and I got so nervous thinking about it. We finally compromised on January....but as January approached I started getting anxious and told him I wasn't ready. So we've made another compromise to make the appointment on March 31st which is what the ticker represents. I have 83 days to lose 25 pounds and get myself ready to give this whole thing another shot. If it doesn't work this time around....I think we're going to try the injections but I'm holding out hope that it won't come to that.
Monday, January 05, 2009
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