I really think that Christmas has become too commercialized over the past few years and it is that commercialization that causes me unnecessary stress. Not only do I obsess over the perfect gifts to give my family but I also have to worry about coming up with ideas for them to give to me. So, it's really two Christmas shopping lists I come up with...everyone else's and my own.
Of course, coming up with my wish list is always harder because I don't like to think about it and end up procrastinating until the last possible minute. Not only does this stress out the people who have no idea what to give me but it usually involves me naming off little stuff that I don't really want or need. I am very fortunate to live my life because there are very few things that I want that I don't just go out and get for myself. Of course there are some things that I want that I don't have but those items are WAY too expensive for anyone (but B) to get me as a gift. In reality, B is so practical and would never indulge me by buying those things but I have a 10 year plan that will allow me to collect these items over time so I don't worry about not having them now.
This year it is important that I think about all the things that I have been grateful for in 2008. It has been an emotionally trying time for me and my family and I think I need to remind myself of all the good things that has happened.
1. My husband, mom, dad, and brother for getting me through this year with my sanity even when they had their own hurt, grief, and anger to get through.
2. My grandmother for proving to me that the world did not cease to exist when it felt like it would.
3. My grandfather for still thinking of others when he was dying himself. I miss you more than anyone else realizes!
4. My extended family for being there with us when we needed them. For comforting my loved ones while I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to do the same for them.
5. My co-workers and boss for giving me the time and freedom to spend those last few weeks in July with my grandfather and grandmother. Thank you for letting me physically be where my thoughts and heart already were.
6. The company I work for which provided me the technology and flexibility to really work anytime from anyplace. Having that freedom made it easier for me to take care of my family.
7. My friends for being there and thinking of me and showing me that I had people outside of my family who loved me. I've never been one to have many friends but the ones I do have are fiercely loyal and I would go through hell and back from them.
8. My Fez for somehow understanding who needed the most attention in the days that followed my grandfather's death. It was amazing to me to see the way he provided silent strength to my grandmother when we brought her home from the hospice house that morning. He never left her side. I had never seen him be like that with anyone else but he knew she needed something and he was willing to be that something. He spent days going from one person to the next...just being there...and that just reinforces that I will never have another dog like him.
9. The ability to laugh and reminisce about the good times without feeling overwhelmed with sorrow. Keeping the memories alive keeps the spirit alive.
10. My home. Having a place to retreat to when I felt like I was going to break, a place to start new family traditions when old ones seemed just to hard to face. A quiet place to be...the home I always wanted to have with B.
I have so many things to be grateful about and I look forward to 2009 and all the surprises that wait for me there. Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Tired of all the drama
It's only Tuesday but I already feel like this has been the longest week ever. The family drama is really starting to wear on my nerves and I can't help but feel like it is going to get worse before it gets better.
What makes me so mad is that none of this would be happening if my grandfather was still around. This all started the day we buried him (July 27th) and the longer it goes on, the more the anger and hurt build. My mom says that what is going on is between her and her brothers to work out but they aren't working it out. As much as they think this doesn't affect the others in the family, it does. Unfortunately, the kids are forced to pick sides and who's side are we going to be on if not our parent's? Bruce will be sentenced on 11/20 and I'm pretty confident he will be remanded directly to jail. No one knows for sure how long he is going to be away. Maybe being locked up is the best thing for him. I hate it for my grandmother and for mom and Jerry because he's going to go away without this being resolved.
I'm so angry with grandmother right now because I've seen her play favorites for the first time in my life. This wasn't something that was such an issue when my grandfather was around. I blame her for all of this drama too. She's stirring it up and taking sides...rather than stepping up as the leader of the family and putting a stop to it.
Ugh, I'm dreading this weekend and the holiday season....
What makes me so mad is that none of this would be happening if my grandfather was still around. This all started the day we buried him (July 27th) and the longer it goes on, the more the anger and hurt build. My mom says that what is going on is between her and her brothers to work out but they aren't working it out. As much as they think this doesn't affect the others in the family, it does. Unfortunately, the kids are forced to pick sides and who's side are we going to be on if not our parent's? Bruce will be sentenced on 11/20 and I'm pretty confident he will be remanded directly to jail. No one knows for sure how long he is going to be away. Maybe being locked up is the best thing for him. I hate it for my grandmother and for mom and Jerry because he's going to go away without this being resolved.
I'm so angry with grandmother right now because I've seen her play favorites for the first time in my life. This wasn't something that was such an issue when my grandfather was around. I blame her for all of this drama too. She's stirring it up and taking sides...rather than stepping up as the leader of the family and putting a stop to it.
Ugh, I'm dreading this weekend and the holiday season....
Monday, October 20, 2008
Stuff, stuff, and more stuff
Frankly, I didn't think Sunday would get here soon enough. I had been waiting all week long for the next episode of TrueBlood! Last night's episode didn't disappoint...but personally, I thought the first 2 minutes were the best. There are two things I will complain about though. First, another week has gone by without further developing the storyline with Eric! Second, I now have another 6 days until the next episode comes on. What really sucks is that there are only 5 more episodes left in this season...which also is the number of chapters in the first book. I REALLY don't know how I'm going to be able to make it once the show is on hiatus and the next book isn't due out until MAY!
I was able to keep busy this weekend though. We ran some errands and I bought a KVM switch for my desktop computer. Yesterday, I got my work area cleaned up and installed all the stuff on my desktop that had been recently formatted. I installed a new game too and spent a lot of time trying it out. I watched 8 episodes of Angel from season 1...mainly hoping that the distraction of a non-Bill/non-Eric vampire would somehow make me forget how long I had until the next episode. It didn't help.
We're going back to Abingdon this weekend. Mom's chicks should be arriving on Wednesday and she's super excited. Matt will be staying with us next week. I've also got some family drama going on that I'm going to have to deal with. I'm so tired of all this crap going on within the family since my grandfather's death. Hopefully, grandmother and I will have some time to talk this weekend.
I was able to keep busy this weekend though. We ran some errands and I bought a KVM switch for my desktop computer. Yesterday, I got my work area cleaned up and installed all the stuff on my desktop that had been recently formatted. I installed a new game too and spent a lot of time trying it out. I watched 8 episodes of Angel from season 1...mainly hoping that the distraction of a non-Bill/non-Eric vampire would somehow make me forget how long I had until the next episode. It didn't help.
We're going back to Abingdon this weekend. Mom's chicks should be arriving on Wednesday and she's super excited. Matt will be staying with us next week. I've also got some family drama going on that I'm going to have to deal with. I'm so tired of all this crap going on within the family since my grandfather's death. Hopefully, grandmother and I will have some time to talk this weekend.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
TrueBlood: All Flavor No Bite
I've been watching the new series on HBO ever since the first show aired. Immediately after seeing that premiere episode, I went out to Borders and purchased the first 2 Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris.
Let me first just say that my ability to read and comprehend is a little different than most people's ability. When I say that I can read a book rather quickly...I ain't lying....I mean quickly. It's not that I'm skipping over things in the books either! You could give me a quiz on the material later and I would pass with flying colors. How fast am I talking about here? Well, the final Harry Potter book arrived on a Friday evening and I was completely done with it by Saturday evening. I even slept 8 hours....and ate.....and watched a little TV. It drives B insane because I'm the best customer for Barnes and Noble or Borders. We got me a library card because it would cost to dang much to keep buying new books. Ok, now on with my entry....
I read the first 2 books in a day and....B doesn't know this because I was still reading on them 4 days later. What he doesn't know is that I was reading them for the third time. Immediately, I was hooked and went out to Amazon to buy the next three books but they took forever to arrive. Luckily, I still had the tv show to keep me entertained during this wait! The books arrived and were quickly devoured in 2 days...hey, I do have other work to do! I picked up the last three and Barnes and Noble at the end of the week and finished them over the weekend.
So, I've read all 8 books...several times a piece. I've read them in order many times and now I'm reading them in reverse order. I'm obsessed! The next book comes out in May and that seems like forever!
So, back to the show. The books and the show are very similar except with some changes with Tara and Lafayette. Jason is a little different too. Having seen the episodes before reading the book, I picture "book Bill" and "book Eric" and "book Jason" just as they appear in the show...I don't care what the book description says!
I love, love, love this show and these books and am super excited that HBO picked it up for a second season!
The only problem is me trying to figure out if I am more in love with Bill or with Eric....but luckily, I found a picture with both of them so I can just sit and stare at it!
Damn!
In case I get bored, I've also got the individual pictures too.
Bill
Eric
Let me first just say that my ability to read and comprehend is a little different than most people's ability. When I say that I can read a book rather quickly...I ain't lying....I mean quickly. It's not that I'm skipping over things in the books either! You could give me a quiz on the material later and I would pass with flying colors. How fast am I talking about here? Well, the final Harry Potter book arrived on a Friday evening and I was completely done with it by Saturday evening. I even slept 8 hours....and ate.....and watched a little TV. It drives B insane because I'm the best customer for Barnes and Noble or Borders. We got me a library card because it would cost to dang much to keep buying new books. Ok, now on with my entry....
I read the first 2 books in a day and....B doesn't know this because I was still reading on them 4 days later. What he doesn't know is that I was reading them for the third time. Immediately, I was hooked and went out to Amazon to buy the next three books but they took forever to arrive. Luckily, I still had the tv show to keep me entertained during this wait! The books arrived and were quickly devoured in 2 days...hey, I do have other work to do! I picked up the last three and Barnes and Noble at the end of the week and finished them over the weekend.
So, I've read all 8 books...several times a piece. I've read them in order many times and now I'm reading them in reverse order. I'm obsessed! The next book comes out in May and that seems like forever!
So, back to the show. The books and the show are very similar except with some changes with Tara and Lafayette. Jason is a little different too. Having seen the episodes before reading the book, I picture "book Bill" and "book Eric" and "book Jason" just as they appear in the show...I don't care what the book description says!
I love, love, love this show and these books and am super excited that HBO picked it up for a second season!
The only problem is me trying to figure out if I am more in love with Bill or with Eric....but luckily, I found a picture with both of them so I can just sit and stare at it!
Damn!
In case I get bored, I've also got the individual pictures too.
Bill
Eric
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I've been busy....I'm sorry!
I can't believe that it has been a month since I posted anything to my blog. I've had so much going on and I just really haven't felt like writing about stuff.
Our dining room table was delivered and looks amazing. I'm so happy with the purchase...now if I could just get B's dad to come get the old one! I finally got my Monet replica framed and it is a huge piece! Right now it's setting on the mantel of the fireplace. Here is what it looks like though:
B actually got me the painting 2 years ago. He sent this art company a picture of the Monet painting and they do a museum quality replica of it using the same medium that the original is done in. It took them 12 to 16 weeks to finish it but the end result is stunning. The real Monet painting has very special memories for us because it is a painting that actually hangs in the NC MoA and that is the first art museum I ever visited...and B was the one who took me. *sigh*
While he was on his railfan vacation, he picked me up a beautiful photograph of Seattle with Mt. Rainer in the background. I picked it up from the frame shop last week and hung it on the wall of our breakfast nook (directly above the dog's bowl...he like art too!).
While we were home this weekend, my grandmother gave me the "End of the Trail" print that B and I got my grandfather several years ago. It was extremely important to him that I have it once he passed away but I wanted grandmother to keep it as long as she wanted to. Here is the print:
Right now, I have it sitting on the dining room table but I am going to hang it in our bedroom this weekend. It's important to me that I put it somewhere that I will see it everyday because it was definitely something he looked at everyday.
I will write more later because I still haven't covered Thanksgiving 2008, TrueBlood, and The Southern Vampire Series that I've been reading. Like I said, I've been busy!
Our dining room table was delivered and looks amazing. I'm so happy with the purchase...now if I could just get B's dad to come get the old one! I finally got my Monet replica framed and it is a huge piece! Right now it's setting on the mantel of the fireplace. Here is what it looks like though:
B actually got me the painting 2 years ago. He sent this art company a picture of the Monet painting and they do a museum quality replica of it using the same medium that the original is done in. It took them 12 to 16 weeks to finish it but the end result is stunning. The real Monet painting has very special memories for us because it is a painting that actually hangs in the NC MoA and that is the first art museum I ever visited...and B was the one who took me. *sigh*
While he was on his railfan vacation, he picked me up a beautiful photograph of Seattle with Mt. Rainer in the background. I picked it up from the frame shop last week and hung it on the wall of our breakfast nook (directly above the dog's bowl...he like art too!).
While we were home this weekend, my grandmother gave me the "End of the Trail" print that B and I got my grandfather several years ago. It was extremely important to him that I have it once he passed away but I wanted grandmother to keep it as long as she wanted to. Here is the print:
Right now, I have it sitting on the dining room table but I am going to hang it in our bedroom this weekend. It's important to me that I put it somewhere that I will see it everyday because it was definitely something he looked at everyday.
I will write more later because I still haven't covered Thanksgiving 2008, TrueBlood, and The Southern Vampire Series that I've been reading. Like I said, I've been busy!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Weekend Update
Our friends decided to stay home this weekend rather than come stay with us. I'm sad that we're not going to see them but I also feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know that at some point I'm going to have to face them but I need more time...luckily, I've got it! I sent Matt a text message this morning and told him that if he wanted to come down this weekend he could. He's working so he won't get the text until this evening when he is getting ready to leave. I don't know if he'll come on down or if he'll go back to Abingdon. If he decides to go on to Abingdon, I won't be upset...it's not like B and I can't find something to get into this weekend.
The weather is supposed to be absolutely wonderful so maybe we'll go over to Harris Lake and do the 5 mile loop with the dog. I'm sure B is going to want to go look at trains this weekend too...not so sure I want to do that but I can always stay home.
Our dining room table is being delivered today...I'm super excited. They should deliver it after 2pm and I still have to get the old table and chairs out of the way. I'm also looking forward to Monday because our picture is finally going to be framed...so B and I will need to get some stuff to hang it. I also want to go to Lowes this weekend and see what kind of Fall flowers they have and maybe get some to plant in our front flowerbed.
This weekend is starting to look up!
The weather is supposed to be absolutely wonderful so maybe we'll go over to Harris Lake and do the 5 mile loop with the dog. I'm sure B is going to want to go look at trains this weekend too...not so sure I want to do that but I can always stay home.
Our dining room table is being delivered today...I'm super excited. They should deliver it after 2pm and I still have to get the old table and chairs out of the way. I'm also looking forward to Monday because our picture is finally going to be framed...so B and I will need to get some stuff to hang it. I also want to go to Lowes this weekend and see what kind of Fall flowers they have and maybe get some to plant in our front flowerbed.
This weekend is starting to look up!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Holding my breath...
Let me say this one thing first. After having a normal period in July and August, I was excited to think that September would bring another timed period. I was obviously wrong to get so excited. I'm on cd34 with no period in sight...and I am feeling so frustrated and down.
Trust me, I'm not holding my breath waiting for my period to show up. If I were...I'd probably pass out first and kill off some brain cells due to a lack of oxygen. No, I'm holding my breath waiting to see what this weekend will bring. We have very dear friends who made the decision to try and start a family and were lucky to get pregnant the first month they tried. They told us of the pregnancy in August and I AM happy for them. None of what I'm feeling now is directed towards them...but I'm really having a hard time with the cosmic hand I've been dealt. We've been trying for almost 2 years and I can't even have a normal period....they try the first month and get pregnant. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.
These friends are coming to visit this weekend and I'm really struggling with it. B didn't really ask me what I thought about having them over and I just don't think I'm ready to see them and hear all about the pregnancy. I feel like it is too soon...and it's very possible that I wouldn't want to see them during the entire pregnancy. Wait...it's not that I don't want to see them (I do)...it's more along the lines that I don't want to have a pregnancy rubbed into my already aching wound. I don't feel like anyone really understands me...especially not B. I'm just so frustrated and if they do come to visit this weekend...I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I don't want to make her feel bad for being here and being pregnant but I don't want to spend the whole weekend feeling sad and depressed. It's just too soon...
In the meantime, I'm going to make more of an effort to get out and walk and watch my diet. I've lost 10 pounds...and that makes me feel great.
Trust me, I'm not holding my breath waiting for my period to show up. If I were...I'd probably pass out first and kill off some brain cells due to a lack of oxygen. No, I'm holding my breath waiting to see what this weekend will bring. We have very dear friends who made the decision to try and start a family and were lucky to get pregnant the first month they tried. They told us of the pregnancy in August and I AM happy for them. None of what I'm feeling now is directed towards them...but I'm really having a hard time with the cosmic hand I've been dealt. We've been trying for almost 2 years and I can't even have a normal period....they try the first month and get pregnant. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.
These friends are coming to visit this weekend and I'm really struggling with it. B didn't really ask me what I thought about having them over and I just don't think I'm ready to see them and hear all about the pregnancy. I feel like it is too soon...and it's very possible that I wouldn't want to see them during the entire pregnancy. Wait...it's not that I don't want to see them (I do)...it's more along the lines that I don't want to have a pregnancy rubbed into my already aching wound. I don't feel like anyone really understands me...especially not B. I'm just so frustrated and if they do come to visit this weekend...I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I don't want to make her feel bad for being here and being pregnant but I don't want to spend the whole weekend feeling sad and depressed. It's just too soon...
In the meantime, I'm going to make more of an effort to get out and walk and watch my diet. I've lost 10 pounds...and that makes me feel great.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Busy, busy, busy
I can't believe that September is half way through! The weather people are forecasting cooler temperatures for the area which makes me hopeful that Fall is finally starting to come to town. The trees don't change until October or November but the cooler temperatures and drier air are definitely worth getting excited about! With the cooler days, B and I will spend more time outside on the weekends...doing the 5 mile loop at Harris Lake and exploring Eno River State Park.
All has not been lost though...even though the weather may have been hot and muggy, the stores and malls have been wonderfully cool! I've been on a spending spree lately and have been been working on doing some minor decorating. In addition to the bedroom set we bought at the end of August, we purchased a 46" LCD tv for the bedroom...new lamps for the bedroom....an ottoman for my vanity table....some fabric and paint to refurbish my sofa table and turn it into the vanity table I mentioned above. I also bought a dining room table, ordered custom framing for my Monet replica, and bought a Wii.
Gotta run for now...but will definitely be writing more this week 'cause I've got something heavy weighing on my chest and will need to vent.
All has not been lost though...even though the weather may have been hot and muggy, the stores and malls have been wonderfully cool! I've been on a spending spree lately and have been been working on doing some minor decorating. In addition to the bedroom set we bought at the end of August, we purchased a 46" LCD tv for the bedroom...new lamps for the bedroom....an ottoman for my vanity table....some fabric and paint to refurbish my sofa table and turn it into the vanity table I mentioned above. I also bought a dining room table, ordered custom framing for my Monet replica, and bought a Wii.
Gotta run for now...but will definitely be writing more this week 'cause I've got something heavy weighing on my chest and will need to vent.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
No title...just words
I'm still recovering from my surgery on Monday and am going to see the doctor tomorrow for my post-op visit. Let me just say that he greatly exaggerated how great I was going to feel. There was no way I could have gone back to work the day after and I have felt like crap since the surgery. Last night I spiked a fever and took some Tylenol. The fever broke and I haven't had another one since.
This weekend is going to be super busy! Mom and grandmother are coming down today and Larry and Amanda are showing up tomorrow night. B leaves for Seattle on Saturday and the rest of us are going to Mt. Gillead for a cook-out at another family member's house.
I'm really looking forward to having most of next week off and getting to come back and start my new job!
Enough for now...feeling bad and need to get something to eat. Talk more later!
This weekend is going to be super busy! Mom and grandmother are coming down today and Larry and Amanda are showing up tomorrow night. B leaves for Seattle on Saturday and the rest of us are going to Mt. Gillead for a cook-out at another family member's house.
I'm really looking forward to having most of next week off and getting to come back and start my new job!
Enough for now...feeling bad and need to get something to eat. Talk more later!
Friday, August 22, 2008
Bedroom Furniture
We finally bought some bedroom furniture for our bedroom last weekend and it is being delivered tomorrow! I'm super excited that we're finally starting to fill in the house...we've lived in our first home for the past two years and there is so much empty space that needs furniture! I'm pretty happy with the family room but that is really the only room that is even close to being done. The breakfast table we have is falling apart so I'm going to buy a new set in the next couple of weeks. We've still got the formal living and dining room to fill, the guest bedrooms, and the loft.
The main problem I'm running into is that B and I have completely different tastes. We find it difficult to find furniture we both agree on which is why it took us a year to find our bedroom furniture!
Gotta run for now...something just came up!
The main problem I'm running into is that B and I have completely different tastes. We find it difficult to find furniture we both agree on which is why it took us a year to find our bedroom furniture!
Gotta run for now...something just came up!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Where has the time gone?
I can't believe that we're already half way through August! A lot has been going on in my personal life. I went back to Virginia on July 18th to be with the family since my grandfather's last official dialysis treatment was July 14th. He passed away on July 24th...5 days after his 62nd wedding anniversary. I was able to spend time with him in his last few days. He couldn't really speak when I arrived at his house on the 18th but he recognized me and I was able to tell him how much I loved him. I spent every day with him and my grandmother and I was there when he was taken to hospice...the last time he would ever stay at the cabin. His passing was sad but I found myself being at peace and actually happy that he was finally able to be where he wanted to be his entire life. The burial was July 27th and it was a beautiful service and the weather was perfect.
I came back to Raleigh on July 29th but went back to Abingdon on July 31st for Larry and Amanda's wedding. They had paid tribute to my grandfather by placing his bible beside my grandmother and putting a rose on top. Larry carried my grandfather's pocket watch. It was a happy occasion and definitely something the family needed but it was also bittersweet. I've been in Raleigh since the wedding and it has been great to get back into a normal work routine...it keeps me from thinking too much and getting sad and depressed!
Grandmother and mom are coming down in 2 weeks and I am so excited! I also think Larry and Amanda are going to be spending Labor Day weekend with us which will be cool. Of course, B will miss out on all the fun because he'll be stomping around in Washington...looking for trains and Big Foot. We'll still have a blast without him!
So, that is the summary of things that have happened to date. I will be making more of an attempt to update more!
I came back to Raleigh on July 29th but went back to Abingdon on July 31st for Larry and Amanda's wedding. They had paid tribute to my grandfather by placing his bible beside my grandmother and putting a rose on top. Larry carried my grandfather's pocket watch. It was a happy occasion and definitely something the family needed but it was also bittersweet. I've been in Raleigh since the wedding and it has been great to get back into a normal work routine...it keeps me from thinking too much and getting sad and depressed!
Grandmother and mom are coming down in 2 weeks and I am so excited! I also think Larry and Amanda are going to be spending Labor Day weekend with us which will be cool. Of course, B will miss out on all the fun because he'll be stomping around in Washington...looking for trains and Big Foot. We'll still have a blast without him!
So, that is the summary of things that have happened to date. I will be making more of an attempt to update more!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I'm baaaack!
Vacation was wonderful! The weather was awesome, the house was great, the food was delicious, and the lighthouses were beautiful! It was a great vacation...except for B constantly checking his work email. Oh well, I didn't let it rain on my parade too much!
Although I spent a lot of time lounging around and reading the new Clive Cussler book I purchased, I did get to do some of the things on my list. The outdoor drama we went to was so cool...but it was seriously lacking in the hot Indian department. B, Matt, and I went to Ocracoke Island and saw the Banker Ponies, the lighthouse, the British Cemetery, and had snow cones. We also went and saw the Hatteras lighthouse with Mom, Dad, and Matt on a different day.
B got the SUV stuck in the sand one day so Dad and I drove up to Pea Island to try to help him get out. Luckily, a nice man had a tow strap and we were able to pull it out easily. Of course, B was pissed that we didn't go ahead and get 4-wheel drive when we bought it...but he was the one who said we would never use it.
We went to Kitty Hawk one evening for a buffet dinner which was great. We waited forever to eat but it was definitely worth it. Matt had his 28th birthday while he was down so we did a huge seafood dinner back at the house with fried shrimp, giant fried scallops, a half bushel of crabs, flounder, homemade French fries....it was way, way, way too much food for the 7 of us but it was great!
I was sad to leave but as soon as we got home, I was so happy to be back at my own house so I could sleep in my own bed and have a bathroom to myself. It was a great vacation though and I would do it again in a heart beat!
Unfortunately, things are not going well for my grandfather. His health has dramatically declined since we left on vacation and he's gotten to the point where he won't eat unless you feed him. Jerry and I are both worried that he won't make it to Larry and Amanda's wedding at this point so I'm in scramble mode. B and I are going home this weekend...and I ordered a couple of outfits to wear to the wake and funeral. B still needs to try on his suit to make sure it fits. I don't feel like we're going to have to make the decision to stop the dialysis because he's going to go on his own. I only hope and pray that when he dies, it is painless and peaceful.
Although we knew this was going to happen, it seems to be happening so fast and we find ourselves completely unprepared for what lies ahead. Seems like the dream I mentioned having in my last post is more foreboding than I originally thought. Prayers are much needed right now.
Although I spent a lot of time lounging around and reading the new Clive Cussler book I purchased, I did get to do some of the things on my list. The outdoor drama we went to was so cool...but it was seriously lacking in the hot Indian department. B, Matt, and I went to Ocracoke Island and saw the Banker Ponies, the lighthouse, the British Cemetery, and had snow cones. We also went and saw the Hatteras lighthouse with Mom, Dad, and Matt on a different day.
B got the SUV stuck in the sand one day so Dad and I drove up to Pea Island to try to help him get out. Luckily, a nice man had a tow strap and we were able to pull it out easily. Of course, B was pissed that we didn't go ahead and get 4-wheel drive when we bought it...but he was the one who said we would never use it.
We went to Kitty Hawk one evening for a buffet dinner which was great. We waited forever to eat but it was definitely worth it. Matt had his 28th birthday while he was down so we did a huge seafood dinner back at the house with fried shrimp, giant fried scallops, a half bushel of crabs, flounder, homemade French fries....it was way, way, way too much food for the 7 of us but it was great!
I was sad to leave but as soon as we got home, I was so happy to be back at my own house so I could sleep in my own bed and have a bathroom to myself. It was a great vacation though and I would do it again in a heart beat!
Unfortunately, things are not going well for my grandfather. His health has dramatically declined since we left on vacation and he's gotten to the point where he won't eat unless you feed him. Jerry and I are both worried that he won't make it to Larry and Amanda's wedding at this point so I'm in scramble mode. B and I are going home this weekend...and I ordered a couple of outfits to wear to the wake and funeral. B still needs to try on his suit to make sure it fits. I don't feel like we're going to have to make the decision to stop the dialysis because he's going to go on his own. I only hope and pray that when he dies, it is painless and peaceful.
Although we knew this was going to happen, it seems to be happening so fast and we find ourselves completely unprepared for what lies ahead. Seems like the dream I mentioned having in my last post is more foreboding than I originally thought. Prayers are much needed right now.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
And the verdict is....
Well, I had my appointment with the ENT yesterday. He says the only option is to have the mass removed but he assured me that it would be a piece of cake compared to when I had my septoplasty. Surgery is currently scheduled for 7/21 so I will miss a couple of days of work. In the meantime, he wants me to go see an allergy specialist so that I can get a full panel of tests and get started with treatments. He said it is pretty obvious that I have other allergy problems if I'm still having issues after using Veramist, Zyrtec, and Singulair. Allergy shots...what fun!
I had a horrible dream last night that my grandfather decided to stop dialysis now rather than waiting until after Larry and Amanda's wedding. For some reason, in my dream, the day he stopped dialysis was also going to be the day he died. I don't remember many of the details but I do remember me holding his hand and begging him to stay just a little while longer. I immediately forced myself awake and since it was almost time to get up anyway, I decided I didn't want to risk falling back to sleep and into that horribly sad dream.
On a happier note....
If I can just get through today and tomorrow, vacation will finally be here. On Saturday I will be seating on the beach and starting my vacation sunburn! I haven't packed a single thing and I've got so much to do at work before I leave. I'm starting to get a little stressed! My MIL will be coming tonight to get the crabs and turtle since she will be taking care of them in my absence. B still has to talk to the neighbor about watering the plants..and I'm sure he forgot to stop our mail! So many things!!!!!!!!
I had a horrible dream last night that my grandfather decided to stop dialysis now rather than waiting until after Larry and Amanda's wedding. For some reason, in my dream, the day he stopped dialysis was also going to be the day he died. I don't remember many of the details but I do remember me holding his hand and begging him to stay just a little while longer. I immediately forced myself awake and since it was almost time to get up anyway, I decided I didn't want to risk falling back to sleep and into that horribly sad dream.
On a happier note....
If I can just get through today and tomorrow, vacation will finally be here. On Saturday I will be seating on the beach and starting my vacation sunburn! I haven't packed a single thing and I've got so much to do at work before I leave. I'm starting to get a little stressed! My MIL will be coming tonight to get the crabs and turtle since she will be taking care of them in my absence. B still has to talk to the neighbor about watering the plants..and I'm sure he forgot to stop our mail! So many things!!!!!!!!
Monday, June 30, 2008
This says it all...
I've added a vacation counter to the right hand side. Obviously I can't wait for it to get here!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Is vacation here yet?
Since my last post, I've had lots of company! My brother had a six day break from his job and came down to stay with us. He arrived on June 19th and stayed until the evening of the 24th before heading back to Richmond. We had a blast as usual...I hated to see him go! Larry and Amanda came the evening of the 20th and left the night of the 22nd. B's mom and sister will be staying with us tomorrow and Sunday and my parents are coming down July 3rd so that we can go to OBX on July 5th. Wow......that's a lot of visiting!
I was originally planning on going home this weekend but mom had back surgery on Monday and has been in the hospital ever since. She didn't think she would be in there that long and is feeling pretty frustrated. Since it is now Friday and she's still not home, I've decided to stay in Holly Springs for the weekend because it would be nearly impossible for her to get any rest if I were home. She's only got about a week to prepare for vacation so she needs to recover quickly!
In other medical news, I went to the doctor for a sinus infection on Tuesday. She scheduled me for a CT the very next day. Yesterday, I got my results back and next Tuesday I go see an ENT. Turns out I have another "very large" mass in my left sinus cavity. I'm afraid the only option is to have it surgically removed and that isn't something I am really looking forward to. The recover from my septoplasty was horrible and took forever. Of course, I just can't leave it in there because the last one I had was removed with the septoplasty so this thing has grown to this size in 4 years. I just really dread what the doctor is going to say.
On to happier topics...vacation is almost here! I can already smell the salty air and feel the ocean breeze! I packed tons of Benadryl in the first aid kit this morning. I'm so hoping that I don't have a repeat of the Keys vacation where I was highly allergic to something and spent almost the whole vacation doped up on allergy medicine in bed...watching game shows and soaps. Of course I did get a reprieve when we went to the Dry Tortugas because of it's lack of trees and plant life...but I got sea sick on the boat out and threw up all over the side. Ahhh...I love my vacations!
Ok, enough chatter...time to get back to more important things!
I was originally planning on going home this weekend but mom had back surgery on Monday and has been in the hospital ever since. She didn't think she would be in there that long and is feeling pretty frustrated. Since it is now Friday and she's still not home, I've decided to stay in Holly Springs for the weekend because it would be nearly impossible for her to get any rest if I were home. She's only got about a week to prepare for vacation so she needs to recover quickly!
In other medical news, I went to the doctor for a sinus infection on Tuesday. She scheduled me for a CT the very next day. Yesterday, I got my results back and next Tuesday I go see an ENT. Turns out I have another "very large" mass in my left sinus cavity. I'm afraid the only option is to have it surgically removed and that isn't something I am really looking forward to. The recover from my septoplasty was horrible and took forever. Of course, I just can't leave it in there because the last one I had was removed with the septoplasty so this thing has grown to this size in 4 years. I just really dread what the doctor is going to say.
On to happier topics...vacation is almost here! I can already smell the salty air and feel the ocean breeze! I packed tons of Benadryl in the first aid kit this morning. I'm so hoping that I don't have a repeat of the Keys vacation where I was highly allergic to something and spent almost the whole vacation doped up on allergy medicine in bed...watching game shows and soaps. Of course I did get a reprieve when we went to the Dry Tortugas because of it's lack of trees and plant life...but I got sea sick on the boat out and threw up all over the side. Ahhh...I love my vacations!
Ok, enough chatter...time to get back to more important things!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
I don't know what to say...
Mom went by the dialysis center yesterday to talk to the doctor. Ultimately, it is her decision about when, where, and how my grandfather will spend his last days. She has the power of attorney and she (along with one of her brothers) has his best interests at heart. The doctor gave mom a prescription for a patch to put on him every day to calm him down and hopefully make him less combative and angry. He's had success with it on two other patients...and since it isn't a pill, we have a better chance of actually getting him to wear it without complaining.
Mom spent some time with him while he was having dialysis and he was in a good frame of mind. He was happy to see her and was laughing at her stories. It was a pleasant change from the day before when he was extremely confused. Granddad told mom that he wants to stop dialysis and that he is tired. Mom asked him if he thought he could continue until Larry and Amanda's wedding (August 2nd) but he didn't think he could wait that long. She asked him if he could at least wait until she had her back surgery so she could help out and he more or less agreed to wait until after the surgery. So, it buys us 2 to 3 weeks.
Mom and I talked about it last night and we both agree that we would hate to have this happen right before Larry and Amanda's wedding. It isn't about us being selfish but more about them wanting him there. Mom seems to think that if they can get him to wear the patch and she has some more conversations with him, she can convince him to wait until after the wedding.
It's obvious that he is ready to let go which means I need to be ready to let go too. I hope that the coming weeks pulls our family back to the closeness that we used to have instead of pushing us further and further apart. My mom has to do what is best for him and anyone who loves him would know that "doing whatever it takes to keep him alive" is not the right thing to do.
Mom spent some time with him while he was having dialysis and he was in a good frame of mind. He was happy to see her and was laughing at her stories. It was a pleasant change from the day before when he was extremely confused. Granddad told mom that he wants to stop dialysis and that he is tired. Mom asked him if he thought he could continue until Larry and Amanda's wedding (August 2nd) but he didn't think he could wait that long. She asked him if he could at least wait until she had her back surgery so she could help out and he more or less agreed to wait until after the surgery. So, it buys us 2 to 3 weeks.
Mom and I talked about it last night and we both agree that we would hate to have this happen right before Larry and Amanda's wedding. It isn't about us being selfish but more about them wanting him there. Mom seems to think that if they can get him to wear the patch and she has some more conversations with him, she can convince him to wait until after the wedding.
It's obvious that he is ready to let go which means I need to be ready to let go too. I hope that the coming weeks pulls our family back to the closeness that we used to have instead of pushing us further and further apart. My mom has to do what is best for him and anyone who loves him would know that "doing whatever it takes to keep him alive" is not the right thing to do.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Vacation can't come soon enough!
Well, I managed to survive May and June has been just as crazy. Vacation is officially 2 weeks and 4 days away. I've been putting off getting my lists together because I've had so much stuff going on but I'm starting to panic!
We went to Charlotte for the weekend to hang out with Jason and Jennifer. Rand and Amy came over Saturday night so we did what we do best...had lots of beer and wine, ate pizza rolls at 1 AM, played a pathetic game of 64, and was generally loud and obnoxious. I will say that it was nice to sleep in my own bed Sunday night...but I do miss hanging out with them.
I'm putting the whole baby thing on hold again....I've got some issues that need to be resolved first and I'm feeling like it's never going to happen for us. I've been off BCP since October 2006 and I've kind of lost hope at this point but I'm working on myself and am setting goals so we may be back on the baby wagon by the end of this year.
My grandfather is not doing well. He hasn't taken any of his medicine for the past 3 weeks and it is really starting to show. His dementia (which wasn't even noticeable before) is creating lots of problems. He's becoming more and more combative and verbally abusive to those around him. I'm still going home about 2 times a month but I don't see this side of him when I'm there. Mom is meeting with the doctor today to discuss options. The general consensus from most of the family is that this can't go on. It's always supposed to be quality over quantity and right now the quality sucks. Larry and Amanda are getting married August 2nd and the plan is to take him off dialysis shortly after that. So...we have a deadline...and I've looked at my calendar so many times in the last few days to see how many more weekends I have with him. B, Marshall, and Bill are going to Seattle 8/30 to 9/6 and I'm so afraid that B is going to end up having to cut his trip short. He's been wonderful about it though and said he would come back without any hesitation. Once we stop the dialysis, I'll be up in Virginia until the end and B is totally supportive of that decision. So...I've got at least 4 more weekends....I need to make them count!
On a happier note, Matt will be down tomorrow night through Monday evening. It's his 5 off break and I'm super excited because I haven't seen him in forever. No big plans have been made...we're just going to hang out and not make many plans.
Enough of the book now...until later!
We went to Charlotte for the weekend to hang out with Jason and Jennifer. Rand and Amy came over Saturday night so we did what we do best...had lots of beer and wine, ate pizza rolls at 1 AM, played a pathetic game of 64, and was generally loud and obnoxious. I will say that it was nice to sleep in my own bed Sunday night...but I do miss hanging out with them.
I'm putting the whole baby thing on hold again....I've got some issues that need to be resolved first and I'm feeling like it's never going to happen for us. I've been off BCP since October 2006 and I've kind of lost hope at this point but I'm working on myself and am setting goals so we may be back on the baby wagon by the end of this year.
My grandfather is not doing well. He hasn't taken any of his medicine for the past 3 weeks and it is really starting to show. His dementia (which wasn't even noticeable before) is creating lots of problems. He's becoming more and more combative and verbally abusive to those around him. I'm still going home about 2 times a month but I don't see this side of him when I'm there. Mom is meeting with the doctor today to discuss options. The general consensus from most of the family is that this can't go on. It's always supposed to be quality over quantity and right now the quality sucks. Larry and Amanda are getting married August 2nd and the plan is to take him off dialysis shortly after that. So...we have a deadline...and I've looked at my calendar so many times in the last few days to see how many more weekends I have with him. B, Marshall, and Bill are going to Seattle 8/30 to 9/6 and I'm so afraid that B is going to end up having to cut his trip short. He's been wonderful about it though and said he would come back without any hesitation. Once we stop the dialysis, I'll be up in Virginia until the end and B is totally supportive of that decision. So...I've got at least 4 more weekends....I need to make them count!
On a happier note, Matt will be down tomorrow night through Monday evening. It's his 5 off break and I'm super excited because I haven't seen him in forever. No big plans have been made...we're just going to hang out and not make many plans.
Enough of the book now...until later!
Thursday, May 01, 2008
I always sucked at journals!
This is definitely something that I just can't seem to do on a regular basis. I was never good at writing in journals...and after working with computers all day long, going home to type on one isn't in my top 10 list.
April flew by so quickly! I guess when I'm traveling back to Abingdon twice a month...it makes the time fly. The family is taking the wait and see approach with my grandfather. He hasn't been on the seizure medication for about a month now and he hasn't had a seizure...but it also hasn't reduced his confusion and anger. When I think back to this time last month, I was facing the possibility that I would be watching one of the most influential people in my life start the dying process this month. We aren't to that point yet though. We're continuing treatment as long as we have an occasional good day. It really is the good days we hang on to because they are the only things that get us through the really horrible days. I know in my heart that this can't continue forever. At some point, I will have to say goodbye. It just doesn't seem like there has been enough time.
May is going to be extremely busy! I'm going to Abingdon this weekend and next weekend. The weekend after that we are going to Bryson City, NC for B's 30th birthday celebration with his family. The weekend after that is our anniversary...I can't believe we've been married 7 years already. June already has three weekends filled and then we're into July which means our beach trip finally happens!
Shew....
April flew by so quickly! I guess when I'm traveling back to Abingdon twice a month...it makes the time fly. The family is taking the wait and see approach with my grandfather. He hasn't been on the seizure medication for about a month now and he hasn't had a seizure...but it also hasn't reduced his confusion and anger. When I think back to this time last month, I was facing the possibility that I would be watching one of the most influential people in my life start the dying process this month. We aren't to that point yet though. We're continuing treatment as long as we have an occasional good day. It really is the good days we hang on to because they are the only things that get us through the really horrible days. I know in my heart that this can't continue forever. At some point, I will have to say goodbye. It just doesn't seem like there has been enough time.
May is going to be extremely busy! I'm going to Abingdon this weekend and next weekend. The weekend after that we are going to Bryson City, NC for B's 30th birthday celebration with his family. The weekend after that is our anniversary...I can't believe we've been married 7 years already. June already has three weekends filled and then we're into July which means our beach trip finally happens!
Shew....
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