It has been a few weeks since I've had time to actually sit down and focus some time on my poor, neglected blog. Since my last posting, I went to a baby shower for our dear friends whose pregnancy has been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster for myself and my own issues with infertility. It was the first time I have seen her since before she got pregnant and it was the first time I had spoken to her since they announced their news (aside from a letter explaining why I was being so distant). I thought I was prepared and I thought it wouldn't be too painful but I was wrong on both accounts. I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming emotions of seeing her and wishing that I was pregnant. I wasn't prepared to feel so hurt because the struggle for us has been so difficult but yet so easy for everyone else. I tried to put on a happy face and pretend that everything was fine but even she noticed how quiet I was. Luckily, I had my mom there and she was quick to suggest that we go home when she saw that my armor was starting to crack. The whole experience reminded me of a piece of flair that I have on my Facebook that says:
"I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like it's all a dream, and pretend it's not hurting me."
B is wanting to go see them in February one last time before the baby arrives and everything changes. As of right now, I've committed to going but I'm not going to force myself if I'm going to spend the whole weekend upset. It's not fair to them and it wouldn't be fair to me. Enough about that stuff now!
Recent announcements were made at work that put my job and its stability into question. I wallowed in pity and worry for about 5 days but I've smacked myself in the face and told myself to get over it. At this point, we still don't know anything but I've decided that I'm not going to worry about it. If I get laid off, I get laid off and no amount of worrying is going to change it. On the other hand, if I don't get laid off...I will not have wasted time worrying about something that didn't happen. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic...maybe I'm in denial....but either way, I feel like I'm in a better mental state than I was on January 14th.
The family drama has died down some. The family has split itself up into two camps...us and them. Some of us aren't even interested in ever talking to some of them ever again while some of us try to bridge the gap with those in the them group. I've resigned myself to the fact that our family is never going to be the way it used to be but my life goes on. I've got my own family and don't feel like I'm missing out by closing others out of my life. I find it easier and less stressful to just shut doors permanently rather than keeping them partially open and letting myself be repeatedly hurt by the actions of others. Walls are easier to be built while you are strong rather than waiting until you are too weak. By the same token, walls are easier to be torn down when you are strong too...not that I think that these walls will ever come down again. I'm not opposed to the family working it out and becoming the one cohesive group we used to be but it's going to take a lot of work and positive actions from them before I'm even willing to acknowledge them. Maybe I'm being pigheaded and difficult but I value my mental sanity and I despise tumultuous relationships with members of my own family so I'm just stopping it now. My friend David is probably rolling his eyes though because it's just one more wall I've got now and oh how he hates those damn walls!
February is going to be a crazy month...the weekends are already getting full. Spring is around the corner and I can't wait! That's all I've got in me for now!
I write like I speak, so if you're a grammar freak just go ahead and close the browser...I won't mind.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
I should explain...read at your own risk.
On Monday, I put a new countdown clock on my sidebar with a very vague explanation about what would happen in 83 days. Today, I'm going to "reveal" what the countdown actually means.
B and I decided that we were ready to have a baby on December 26, 2006 (yes, I remember the exact date). I had been on birth control pills ever since I was 18 in order to regulate my cycles and knew that coming off the birth control would create all kinds of problems for my body. At my last appointment with my doctor in April of that year, I had mentioned that B and I were tossing around the idea of a baby but that I was concerned about my ability to ovulate. She told me that when we were ready, to start monitoring my cycles and if I wasn't in a normal pattern within 6 months to come back in. I had actually stopped taking birth control pills in October 2006 because I knew I was going to have problems and I figured that if I stopped taking them at that time, it would just give my body more time to adjust. The problem was...I wasn't.
We went to see the doctor in February and I took in my BBT charts. She looked over them and concluded that I wasn't ovulating...duh, I had 2 periods in 6 months! She sent me for the usual work-up and told me that all was not lost. I went home with two prescriptions that day, one for Clomid and one for Progesterone. Once my blood work all came back normal, she told me to take the Progesterone for 10 days and wait for my period. Once it started, I was to take the Clomid from cd5 to cd9 and we started out at the 50mg dose. I was instructed to come back in on cd21 for a blood test to determine if I had ovulated. I was convinced this was going to help so I was methodical in taking my temperature every day, recording it, taking my medicine at the exact same time every day, and wondering if every twitch and pain was a sign that it was working. On cd 21 I went in for my blood test, and the very next day they called with the results. I will never forget that conversation!
"Hello."
"Hi, is LeeAnne there? This is Dr. Gausmann."
"Hi Dr. Gausmann. This is LeeAnne, how are you?"
"I'm good. Listen, we got your blood work back. I'm afraid you didn't ovulate."
"Ok........well.....crap. What was my level, just out of curiosity?"
"It was less than point two."
"Less than point two?! Really? It didn't even register?"
"Don't give up yet. It was such a low dose, I didn't think the first time around would work. Let's try 100mg this month on the same cycle days...."
The rest of the conversation was a blur because I was still focusing on the "LESS THAN .2" thing. So next month, same thing (still less than .2). The month after that we did 150mg and I wasn't surprised when I still didn't register. I was kind of numb at this point and felt like a failure as a woman. The month after that we decided to try 150mg for 7 days rather than 5 and when they called with those results, I just didn't give a damn anymore.
At that point, I was becoming obsessive about the whole thing and decided to just take a break. My doctor wanted to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist and said we could give injections a try. Of course, this scared the crap out of B because the chance of multiples goes up and he wasn't really looking to have twins. So we just let nature take its course until I was ready. Flash forward a year...nothing changed with my body. I wasn't having periods...but would occasionally have bleeding that would last for a day to sometimes as long as twenty days. I was so pissed at my body by this point that I was ready to become the old lady with 50 cats.
July 2008 was when my life got turned upside down. My family hit a rough patch and I was under a lot of pressure. Suddenly I started having "periods" every month...they were irregular and varied in length. I was suddenly optimistic because I felt like my hormones were starting to regulate. We had decided to go back to the doctor in the Fall to try Clomid again and I was ready to handle the emotional roller coaster. Right after we made that decision, our closest friends announced they were pregnant after trying the first month and I was sent reeling. I was so mad with the universe and the hand that B and I had been dealt and I was so hurt and sad that I wasn't in any mood to go see the doctor. It took months for me to even be able to face my dear sweet friend and even then I could only talk to her through texts and a really long letter I sent her to explain my poor behavior. Luckily, she understood and was giving me all the time I needed to get through it. I still haven't been able to see her in person but I am going to her shower this weekend so I'd better prepare myself.
Around my birthday, B started asking when we were going to go back to the doctor and I got so nervous thinking about it. We finally compromised on January....but as January approached I started getting anxious and told him I wasn't ready. So we've made another compromise to make the appointment on March 31st which is what the ticker represents. I have 83 days to lose 25 pounds and get myself ready to give this whole thing another shot. If it doesn't work this time around....I think we're going to try the injections but I'm holding out hope that it won't come to that.
B and I decided that we were ready to have a baby on December 26, 2006 (yes, I remember the exact date). I had been on birth control pills ever since I was 18 in order to regulate my cycles and knew that coming off the birth control would create all kinds of problems for my body. At my last appointment with my doctor in April of that year, I had mentioned that B and I were tossing around the idea of a baby but that I was concerned about my ability to ovulate. She told me that when we were ready, to start monitoring my cycles and if I wasn't in a normal pattern within 6 months to come back in. I had actually stopped taking birth control pills in October 2006 because I knew I was going to have problems and I figured that if I stopped taking them at that time, it would just give my body more time to adjust. The problem was...I wasn't.
We went to see the doctor in February and I took in my BBT charts. She looked over them and concluded that I wasn't ovulating...duh, I had 2 periods in 6 months! She sent me for the usual work-up and told me that all was not lost. I went home with two prescriptions that day, one for Clomid and one for Progesterone. Once my blood work all came back normal, she told me to take the Progesterone for 10 days and wait for my period. Once it started, I was to take the Clomid from cd5 to cd9 and we started out at the 50mg dose. I was instructed to come back in on cd21 for a blood test to determine if I had ovulated. I was convinced this was going to help so I was methodical in taking my temperature every day, recording it, taking my medicine at the exact same time every day, and wondering if every twitch and pain was a sign that it was working. On cd 21 I went in for my blood test, and the very next day they called with the results. I will never forget that conversation!
"Hello."
"Hi, is LeeAnne there? This is Dr. Gausmann."
"Hi Dr. Gausmann. This is LeeAnne, how are you?"
"I'm good. Listen, we got your blood work back. I'm afraid you didn't ovulate."
"Ok........well.....crap. What was my level, just out of curiosity?"
"It was less than point two."
"Less than point two?! Really? It didn't even register?"
"Don't give up yet. It was such a low dose, I didn't think the first time around would work. Let's try 100mg this month on the same cycle days...."
The rest of the conversation was a blur because I was still focusing on the "LESS THAN .2" thing. So next month, same thing (still less than .2). The month after that we did 150mg and I wasn't surprised when I still didn't register. I was kind of numb at this point and felt like a failure as a woman. The month after that we decided to try 150mg for 7 days rather than 5 and when they called with those results, I just didn't give a damn anymore.
At that point, I was becoming obsessive about the whole thing and decided to just take a break. My doctor wanted to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist and said we could give injections a try. Of course, this scared the crap out of B because the chance of multiples goes up and he wasn't really looking to have twins. So we just let nature take its course until I was ready. Flash forward a year...nothing changed with my body. I wasn't having periods...but would occasionally have bleeding that would last for a day to sometimes as long as twenty days. I was so pissed at my body by this point that I was ready to become the old lady with 50 cats.
July 2008 was when my life got turned upside down. My family hit a rough patch and I was under a lot of pressure. Suddenly I started having "periods" every month...they were irregular and varied in length. I was suddenly optimistic because I felt like my hormones were starting to regulate. We had decided to go back to the doctor in the Fall to try Clomid again and I was ready to handle the emotional roller coaster. Right after we made that decision, our closest friends announced they were pregnant after trying the first month and I was sent reeling. I was so mad with the universe and the hand that B and I had been dealt and I was so hurt and sad that I wasn't in any mood to go see the doctor. It took months for me to even be able to face my dear sweet friend and even then I could only talk to her through texts and a really long letter I sent her to explain my poor behavior. Luckily, she understood and was giving me all the time I needed to get through it. I still haven't been able to see her in person but I am going to her shower this weekend so I'd better prepare myself.
Around my birthday, B started asking when we were going to go back to the doctor and I got so nervous thinking about it. We finally compromised on January....but as January approached I started getting anxious and told him I wasn't ready. So we've made another compromise to make the appointment on March 31st which is what the ticker represents. I have 83 days to lose 25 pounds and get myself ready to give this whole thing another shot. If it doesn't work this time around....I think we're going to try the injections but I'm holding out hope that it won't come to that.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)