It has been a few weeks since I've had time to actually sit down and focus some time on my poor, neglected blog. Since my last posting, I went to a baby shower for our dear friends whose pregnancy has been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster for myself and my own issues with infertility. It was the first time I have seen her since before she got pregnant and it was the first time I had spoken to her since they announced their news (aside from a letter explaining why I was being so distant). I thought I was prepared and I thought it wouldn't be too painful but I was wrong on both accounts. I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming emotions of seeing her and wishing that I was pregnant. I wasn't prepared to feel so hurt because the struggle for us has been so difficult but yet so easy for everyone else. I tried to put on a happy face and pretend that everything was fine but even she noticed how quiet I was. Luckily, I had my mom there and she was quick to suggest that we go home when she saw that my armor was starting to crack. The whole experience reminded me of a piece of flair that I have on my Facebook that says:
"I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like it's all a dream, and pretend it's not hurting me."
B is wanting to go see them in February one last time before the baby arrives and everything changes. As of right now, I've committed to going but I'm not going to force myself if I'm going to spend the whole weekend upset. It's not fair to them and it wouldn't be fair to me. Enough about that stuff now!
Recent announcements were made at work that put my job and its stability into question. I wallowed in pity and worry for about 5 days but I've smacked myself in the face and told myself to get over it. At this point, we still don't know anything but I've decided that I'm not going to worry about it. If I get laid off, I get laid off and no amount of worrying is going to change it. On the other hand, if I don't get laid off...I will not have wasted time worrying about something that didn't happen. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic...maybe I'm in denial....but either way, I feel like I'm in a better mental state than I was on January 14th.
The family drama has died down some. The family has split itself up into two camps...us and them. Some of us aren't even interested in ever talking to some of them ever again while some of us try to bridge the gap with those in the them group. I've resigned myself to the fact that our family is never going to be the way it used to be but my life goes on. I've got my own family and don't feel like I'm missing out by closing others out of my life. I find it easier and less stressful to just shut doors permanently rather than keeping them partially open and letting myself be repeatedly hurt by the actions of others. Walls are easier to be built while you are strong rather than waiting until you are too weak. By the same token, walls are easier to be torn down when you are strong too...not that I think that these walls will ever come down again. I'm not opposed to the family working it out and becoming the one cohesive group we used to be but it's going to take a lot of work and positive actions from them before I'm even willing to acknowledge them. Maybe I'm being pigheaded and difficult but I value my mental sanity and I despise tumultuous relationships with members of my own family so I'm just stopping it now. My friend David is probably rolling his eyes though because it's just one more wall I've got now and oh how he hates those damn walls!
February is going to be a crazy month...the weekends are already getting full. Spring is around the corner and I can't wait! That's all I've got in me for now!
I write like I speak, so if you're a grammar freak just go ahead and close the browser...I won't mind.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
I should explain...read at your own risk.
On Monday, I put a new countdown clock on my sidebar with a very vague explanation about what would happen in 83 days. Today, I'm going to "reveal" what the countdown actually means.
B and I decided that we were ready to have a baby on December 26, 2006 (yes, I remember the exact date). I had been on birth control pills ever since I was 18 in order to regulate my cycles and knew that coming off the birth control would create all kinds of problems for my body. At my last appointment with my doctor in April of that year, I had mentioned that B and I were tossing around the idea of a baby but that I was concerned about my ability to ovulate. She told me that when we were ready, to start monitoring my cycles and if I wasn't in a normal pattern within 6 months to come back in. I had actually stopped taking birth control pills in October 2006 because I knew I was going to have problems and I figured that if I stopped taking them at that time, it would just give my body more time to adjust. The problem was...I wasn't.
We went to see the doctor in February and I took in my BBT charts. She looked over them and concluded that I wasn't ovulating...duh, I had 2 periods in 6 months! She sent me for the usual work-up and told me that all was not lost. I went home with two prescriptions that day, one for Clomid and one for Progesterone. Once my blood work all came back normal, she told me to take the Progesterone for 10 days and wait for my period. Once it started, I was to take the Clomid from cd5 to cd9 and we started out at the 50mg dose. I was instructed to come back in on cd21 for a blood test to determine if I had ovulated. I was convinced this was going to help so I was methodical in taking my temperature every day, recording it, taking my medicine at the exact same time every day, and wondering if every twitch and pain was a sign that it was working. On cd 21 I went in for my blood test, and the very next day they called with the results. I will never forget that conversation!
"Hello."
"Hi, is LeeAnne there? This is Dr. Gausmann."
"Hi Dr. Gausmann. This is LeeAnne, how are you?"
"I'm good. Listen, we got your blood work back. I'm afraid you didn't ovulate."
"Ok........well.....crap. What was my level, just out of curiosity?"
"It was less than point two."
"Less than point two?! Really? It didn't even register?"
"Don't give up yet. It was such a low dose, I didn't think the first time around would work. Let's try 100mg this month on the same cycle days...."
The rest of the conversation was a blur because I was still focusing on the "LESS THAN .2" thing. So next month, same thing (still less than .2). The month after that we did 150mg and I wasn't surprised when I still didn't register. I was kind of numb at this point and felt like a failure as a woman. The month after that we decided to try 150mg for 7 days rather than 5 and when they called with those results, I just didn't give a damn anymore.
At that point, I was becoming obsessive about the whole thing and decided to just take a break. My doctor wanted to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist and said we could give injections a try. Of course, this scared the crap out of B because the chance of multiples goes up and he wasn't really looking to have twins. So we just let nature take its course until I was ready. Flash forward a year...nothing changed with my body. I wasn't having periods...but would occasionally have bleeding that would last for a day to sometimes as long as twenty days. I was so pissed at my body by this point that I was ready to become the old lady with 50 cats.
July 2008 was when my life got turned upside down. My family hit a rough patch and I was under a lot of pressure. Suddenly I started having "periods" every month...they were irregular and varied in length. I was suddenly optimistic because I felt like my hormones were starting to regulate. We had decided to go back to the doctor in the Fall to try Clomid again and I was ready to handle the emotional roller coaster. Right after we made that decision, our closest friends announced they were pregnant after trying the first month and I was sent reeling. I was so mad with the universe and the hand that B and I had been dealt and I was so hurt and sad that I wasn't in any mood to go see the doctor. It took months for me to even be able to face my dear sweet friend and even then I could only talk to her through texts and a really long letter I sent her to explain my poor behavior. Luckily, she understood and was giving me all the time I needed to get through it. I still haven't been able to see her in person but I am going to her shower this weekend so I'd better prepare myself.
Around my birthday, B started asking when we were going to go back to the doctor and I got so nervous thinking about it. We finally compromised on January....but as January approached I started getting anxious and told him I wasn't ready. So we've made another compromise to make the appointment on March 31st which is what the ticker represents. I have 83 days to lose 25 pounds and get myself ready to give this whole thing another shot. If it doesn't work this time around....I think we're going to try the injections but I'm holding out hope that it won't come to that.
B and I decided that we were ready to have a baby on December 26, 2006 (yes, I remember the exact date). I had been on birth control pills ever since I was 18 in order to regulate my cycles and knew that coming off the birth control would create all kinds of problems for my body. At my last appointment with my doctor in April of that year, I had mentioned that B and I were tossing around the idea of a baby but that I was concerned about my ability to ovulate. She told me that when we were ready, to start monitoring my cycles and if I wasn't in a normal pattern within 6 months to come back in. I had actually stopped taking birth control pills in October 2006 because I knew I was going to have problems and I figured that if I stopped taking them at that time, it would just give my body more time to adjust. The problem was...I wasn't.
We went to see the doctor in February and I took in my BBT charts. She looked over them and concluded that I wasn't ovulating...duh, I had 2 periods in 6 months! She sent me for the usual work-up and told me that all was not lost. I went home with two prescriptions that day, one for Clomid and one for Progesterone. Once my blood work all came back normal, she told me to take the Progesterone for 10 days and wait for my period. Once it started, I was to take the Clomid from cd5 to cd9 and we started out at the 50mg dose. I was instructed to come back in on cd21 for a blood test to determine if I had ovulated. I was convinced this was going to help so I was methodical in taking my temperature every day, recording it, taking my medicine at the exact same time every day, and wondering if every twitch and pain was a sign that it was working. On cd 21 I went in for my blood test, and the very next day they called with the results. I will never forget that conversation!
"Hello."
"Hi, is LeeAnne there? This is Dr. Gausmann."
"Hi Dr. Gausmann. This is LeeAnne, how are you?"
"I'm good. Listen, we got your blood work back. I'm afraid you didn't ovulate."
"Ok........well.....crap. What was my level, just out of curiosity?"
"It was less than point two."
"Less than point two?! Really? It didn't even register?"
"Don't give up yet. It was such a low dose, I didn't think the first time around would work. Let's try 100mg this month on the same cycle days...."
The rest of the conversation was a blur because I was still focusing on the "LESS THAN .2" thing. So next month, same thing (still less than .2). The month after that we did 150mg and I wasn't surprised when I still didn't register. I was kind of numb at this point and felt like a failure as a woman. The month after that we decided to try 150mg for 7 days rather than 5 and when they called with those results, I just didn't give a damn anymore.
At that point, I was becoming obsessive about the whole thing and decided to just take a break. My doctor wanted to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist and said we could give injections a try. Of course, this scared the crap out of B because the chance of multiples goes up and he wasn't really looking to have twins. So we just let nature take its course until I was ready. Flash forward a year...nothing changed with my body. I wasn't having periods...but would occasionally have bleeding that would last for a day to sometimes as long as twenty days. I was so pissed at my body by this point that I was ready to become the old lady with 50 cats.
July 2008 was when my life got turned upside down. My family hit a rough patch and I was under a lot of pressure. Suddenly I started having "periods" every month...they were irregular and varied in length. I was suddenly optimistic because I felt like my hormones were starting to regulate. We had decided to go back to the doctor in the Fall to try Clomid again and I was ready to handle the emotional roller coaster. Right after we made that decision, our closest friends announced they were pregnant after trying the first month and I was sent reeling. I was so mad with the universe and the hand that B and I had been dealt and I was so hurt and sad that I wasn't in any mood to go see the doctor. It took months for me to even be able to face my dear sweet friend and even then I could only talk to her through texts and a really long letter I sent her to explain my poor behavior. Luckily, she understood and was giving me all the time I needed to get through it. I still haven't been able to see her in person but I am going to her shower this weekend so I'd better prepare myself.
Around my birthday, B started asking when we were going to go back to the doctor and I got so nervous thinking about it. We finally compromised on January....but as January approached I started getting anxious and told him I wasn't ready. So we've made another compromise to make the appointment on March 31st which is what the ticker represents. I have 83 days to lose 25 pounds and get myself ready to give this whole thing another shot. If it doesn't work this time around....I think we're going to try the injections but I'm holding out hope that it won't come to that.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Thursday, December 18, 2008
It's THAT time of the year!
I really think that Christmas has become too commercialized over the past few years and it is that commercialization that causes me unnecessary stress. Not only do I obsess over the perfect gifts to give my family but I also have to worry about coming up with ideas for them to give to me. So, it's really two Christmas shopping lists I come up with...everyone else's and my own.
Of course, coming up with my wish list is always harder because I don't like to think about it and end up procrastinating until the last possible minute. Not only does this stress out the people who have no idea what to give me but it usually involves me naming off little stuff that I don't really want or need. I am very fortunate to live my life because there are very few things that I want that I don't just go out and get for myself. Of course there are some things that I want that I don't have but those items are WAY too expensive for anyone (but B) to get me as a gift. In reality, B is so practical and would never indulge me by buying those things but I have a 10 year plan that will allow me to collect these items over time so I don't worry about not having them now.
This year it is important that I think about all the things that I have been grateful for in 2008. It has been an emotionally trying time for me and my family and I think I need to remind myself of all the good things that has happened.
1. My husband, mom, dad, and brother for getting me through this year with my sanity even when they had their own hurt, grief, and anger to get through.
2. My grandmother for proving to me that the world did not cease to exist when it felt like it would.
3. My grandfather for still thinking of others when he was dying himself. I miss you more than anyone else realizes!
4. My extended family for being there with us when we needed them. For comforting my loved ones while I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to do the same for them.
5. My co-workers and boss for giving me the time and freedom to spend those last few weeks in July with my grandfather and grandmother. Thank you for letting me physically be where my thoughts and heart already were.
6. The company I work for which provided me the technology and flexibility to really work anytime from anyplace. Having that freedom made it easier for me to take care of my family.
7. My friends for being there and thinking of me and showing me that I had people outside of my family who loved me. I've never been one to have many friends but the ones I do have are fiercely loyal and I would go through hell and back from them.
8. My Fez for somehow understanding who needed the most attention in the days that followed my grandfather's death. It was amazing to me to see the way he provided silent strength to my grandmother when we brought her home from the hospice house that morning. He never left her side. I had never seen him be like that with anyone else but he knew she needed something and he was willing to be that something. He spent days going from one person to the next...just being there...and that just reinforces that I will never have another dog like him.
9. The ability to laugh and reminisce about the good times without feeling overwhelmed with sorrow. Keeping the memories alive keeps the spirit alive.
10. My home. Having a place to retreat to when I felt like I was going to break, a place to start new family traditions when old ones seemed just to hard to face. A quiet place to be...the home I always wanted to have with B.
I have so many things to be grateful about and I look forward to 2009 and all the surprises that wait for me there. Merry Christmas!
Of course, coming up with my wish list is always harder because I don't like to think about it and end up procrastinating until the last possible minute. Not only does this stress out the people who have no idea what to give me but it usually involves me naming off little stuff that I don't really want or need. I am very fortunate to live my life because there are very few things that I want that I don't just go out and get for myself. Of course there are some things that I want that I don't have but those items are WAY too expensive for anyone (but B) to get me as a gift. In reality, B is so practical and would never indulge me by buying those things but I have a 10 year plan that will allow me to collect these items over time so I don't worry about not having them now.
This year it is important that I think about all the things that I have been grateful for in 2008. It has been an emotionally trying time for me and my family and I think I need to remind myself of all the good things that has happened.
1. My husband, mom, dad, and brother for getting me through this year with my sanity even when they had their own hurt, grief, and anger to get through.
2. My grandmother for proving to me that the world did not cease to exist when it felt like it would.
3. My grandfather for still thinking of others when he was dying himself. I miss you more than anyone else realizes!
4. My extended family for being there with us when we needed them. For comforting my loved ones while I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to do the same for them.
5. My co-workers and boss for giving me the time and freedom to spend those last few weeks in July with my grandfather and grandmother. Thank you for letting me physically be where my thoughts and heart already were.
6. The company I work for which provided me the technology and flexibility to really work anytime from anyplace. Having that freedom made it easier for me to take care of my family.
7. My friends for being there and thinking of me and showing me that I had people outside of my family who loved me. I've never been one to have many friends but the ones I do have are fiercely loyal and I would go through hell and back from them.
8. My Fez for somehow understanding who needed the most attention in the days that followed my grandfather's death. It was amazing to me to see the way he provided silent strength to my grandmother when we brought her home from the hospice house that morning. He never left her side. I had never seen him be like that with anyone else but he knew she needed something and he was willing to be that something. He spent days going from one person to the next...just being there...and that just reinforces that I will never have another dog like him.
9. The ability to laugh and reminisce about the good times without feeling overwhelmed with sorrow. Keeping the memories alive keeps the spirit alive.
10. My home. Having a place to retreat to when I felt like I was going to break, a place to start new family traditions when old ones seemed just to hard to face. A quiet place to be...the home I always wanted to have with B.
I have so many things to be grateful about and I look forward to 2009 and all the surprises that wait for me there. Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Tired of all the drama
It's only Tuesday but I already feel like this has been the longest week ever. The family drama is really starting to wear on my nerves and I can't help but feel like it is going to get worse before it gets better.
What makes me so mad is that none of this would be happening if my grandfather was still around. This all started the day we buried him (July 27th) and the longer it goes on, the more the anger and hurt build. My mom says that what is going on is between her and her brothers to work out but they aren't working it out. As much as they think this doesn't affect the others in the family, it does. Unfortunately, the kids are forced to pick sides and who's side are we going to be on if not our parent's? Bruce will be sentenced on 11/20 and I'm pretty confident he will be remanded directly to jail. No one knows for sure how long he is going to be away. Maybe being locked up is the best thing for him. I hate it for my grandmother and for mom and Jerry because he's going to go away without this being resolved.
I'm so angry with grandmother right now because I've seen her play favorites for the first time in my life. This wasn't something that was such an issue when my grandfather was around. I blame her for all of this drama too. She's stirring it up and taking sides...rather than stepping up as the leader of the family and putting a stop to it.
Ugh, I'm dreading this weekend and the holiday season....
What makes me so mad is that none of this would be happening if my grandfather was still around. This all started the day we buried him (July 27th) and the longer it goes on, the more the anger and hurt build. My mom says that what is going on is between her and her brothers to work out but they aren't working it out. As much as they think this doesn't affect the others in the family, it does. Unfortunately, the kids are forced to pick sides and who's side are we going to be on if not our parent's? Bruce will be sentenced on 11/20 and I'm pretty confident he will be remanded directly to jail. No one knows for sure how long he is going to be away. Maybe being locked up is the best thing for him. I hate it for my grandmother and for mom and Jerry because he's going to go away without this being resolved.
I'm so angry with grandmother right now because I've seen her play favorites for the first time in my life. This wasn't something that was such an issue when my grandfather was around. I blame her for all of this drama too. She's stirring it up and taking sides...rather than stepping up as the leader of the family and putting a stop to it.
Ugh, I'm dreading this weekend and the holiday season....
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