This is gonna be a long one.....

Tonight, I went and looked at the last time I posted on this thing and I was surprised that I hadn't posted anything since the start of my very first cycle.  Reading through my entry, it was obvious that I was excited and was determined and confident that this was going to be our answer.  I wish I could flash back in time and visit myself that night to give me some advice that I would need to repeat to myself for many months after my last post.

What would my wonderful advice be??? It would be to tell myself that this was actually going to be a long, long marathon to even get a response and that there were going to be times after ultrasounds and bad news that I would want to do nothing but lay in bed and cry until I couldn't shed one more tear and it was ok to do so...in fact, I needed to do it.  I would tell myself that over the next 5 and a half months, I would be learning so much about myself as a person and I would be tested a hundred times and face constant bad news and many, many hurdles to see if I was really committed to THIS journey.  I would tell myself that I was about to experience something that would so fundamentally change who B and I were as a couple and despite all of the tears that would be shed.....nothing, and I mean nothing, would bring us closer together than this bumpy journey.  I would tell myself that there would be so many days that I would feel all alone in this but there would always be someone that would reach out and give me the confidence and strength to keep going even when it seemed like the light at the end of the tunnel was getting dimmer and dimmer.  My last piece of advice would be to never, ever, ever give up....even when the doctors and nurses were gathered in a circle whispering as you came out of the exam room....because the time WOULD come when everything would suddenly fall into place and the one thing that had always seem to be so far out of reach would somehow fall right into your lap.

It took us 5 and a half months, countless subcutaneous injections in the stomach, legs, and arms, many painful intramuscular shots in the leg, countless hours with my feet in stirrups while being prodded with a wand, many times being stuck and restuck just to draw a vial of blood, and many, many tears to finally hear the words that I never thought would be said....I have activity.  This cycle started on 3/4/10 with injections beginning 3/5/10.  On 3/16/10, I had an ultrasound that still showed no activity and the doctors were starting to talk about stopping.  This was our last cycle.  There was going to be no chance for us to even try to get pregnant.  After begging to increase my dosage and insisting that I wanted to keep doing the shots in the backs of my arms, they agreed to up my doses to 20 units of Lupron (twice a day), 225 IUs of Menopur (once a day), and 225 IUs of Gonal-F (once a day).  They didn't expect anything to happen because I was already on a "large" dose (compared to most women) so they were only giving me until 3/19/10 before doing another ultrasound and calling off the cycle.  They didn't think this was going to work.

The morning of 3/19/10, I was apprehensive about the appointment because I really didn't know how I was going to handle the bad news that this journey was over.  Going to the doctor was no longer fun and I usually was full of angst the day before the appointments and then spent most of the actual appointment day crying over my stupid, horrible ovaries.  3/19/10 turned out to be one of the best days of my entire life....I finally, finally, finally responded to the medication.

On 3/16 my uterine lining was 3.2 mm and most of the follicles were still in the pre stage that they seemed to stay in all the damn time.  My estrogen level was 55.  Things sucked......badly.

On 3/19 my uterine lining was 6.2 mm and I had three HUGE (for me) follicles with the biggest one measuring 15.6 mm.  They didn't even check my estrogen because it was obviously higher.  The doctor was speechless...totally surprised....I was sobbing happy tears and B was over the moon.  In fact, the doctor was concerned that I was going to have to be dialed down some! Who knew that they'd ever have to consider LOWERING my dose!!!!

On 3/21 we went for another ultrasound and it was the first time since November that I was actually excited to go to the doctor.  I continued to show improvement in this visit as well.  My uterine lining was 8.8 mm, the biggest follicle measured 17.7 mm, and my estrogen level was 239.7.  Holy crap batman! I'm so close to being at the right levels for the IUI so we go back on Tuesday for another scan and it looks like we're doing our very first IUI on Thursday or Friday.  I never gave up.  I may have lost hope for a while but I never gave up.  Miracles can happen.  And that would be the ultimate advice I would have given myself back in November.

I'm o.k. to go.....

Listening to: Soul Meets Body by Death Cab For Cutie

I had my ultrasound this morning and I've been given the go ahead to start the medicine tonight! My next ultrasound is 11/25 at 9 AM and we'll be looking to see how the follicles are growing to determine how many more days of shots I need to do before the IUI.  Needless to say, I am way excited and am totally expecting today to drag along.

On a completely different topic, I bought the ham and turkey for our Thanksgiving dinner next week.  Looking at the list of food that will be made, you would think I was cooking for 20 people...but no, it's just 6.  We've got company Friday to Sunday and then more company next Wednesday to Sunday.  There are a lot of things that I need to get done around the house for next week's company but I'll be lucky if I can get most of the items marked off the list.

UPDATE: I took 2 Letrozole pills (5mg total) at 6 PM.  No side effects so far but that might not mean anything.

Let's get this party started!

Listening to: Arizona by Kings of Leon

We went to Charlotte this past weekend to spend time with our friends and their little girl.  I spotted slightly most of the weekend but it was sporadic so I didn't think anything about it.  Monday morning, the spotting was a little bit more frequent and I still had two more doses of Prometrium to take.  I called my RE's office to speak to the nurse and she told me to just go ahead and stop taking them...evidently, some women start their periods while taking them so it was perfectly normal to be spotting.  When I took progesterone before, I always ended up taking all the pills and then waiting for my period to start 3 to 5 days later and I was expecting the same thing with this medicine.  Turns out I was wrong...but it's nice to be wrong because Prometrium made me feel really weird and tired so not taking it meant no side effects!  So, I officially started my period last night and called my RE's office again to schedule my baseline ultrasound for tomorrow morning at 9 AM.  Tomorrow's appointment is just to make sure that there are no cysts so it shouldn't be too big of a deal.

So, what does this mean? Yesterday was cd1 and tomorrow will be cd3 which means I start taking the Letrozole tomorrow night! I will be taking it cd3 to cd7 and then on cd7 I start doing the FSH injections and continue those to cd10.  On cd10, I go in for the ultrasound to see what's going on and they tell me how many more days to continue the injections.  Finally.  We're finally getting somewhere.  Excited doesn't even begin to accurately describe the emotion I'm feeling right now!

Waiting

I gave up on waiting around for my period to start and began the Prometrium last night.  Damn it.  So, now I've got 10 days of pills to take and then I wait for my period.  I feel like absolute crap.  I guess waking up at 4 AM does that to a person!

Still listening to the New Moon soundtrack and I will admit that it's growing on me.  These are the songs that I really enjoy:

• Meet Me On The Equinox by Death Cab For Cutie
• Possibility by Lykke Li
• A White Demon Love Song by The Killers
• I Belong to You by Muse
• Done All Wrong by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
• The Violet Hour by Sea Wolf
• Shooting The Moon by Ok Go
• No Sound But The Wind by Editors
• New Moon by Alexandre Desplat

Less than 2 weeks until the premiere!

Merry Samhain!

Listening to: Drive by R.E.M.

So, I had a moment of freaking out and ended up having my medicine shipped yesterday.  It arrived this morning by Fed-Ex and for a moment, I felt like a child opening up the first Christmas present.  Right now, it's sitting on the dining room table (except for the stuff in the refrigerator) and I get giddy every time I walk by it.  Sick, I know.

B finally got home this morning after a nightmare trip home on Delta.  You'd think he'd been gone forever by the way he's acting.  It's great to have him home though....and hopefully I'll be able to sleep better now that he's in bed beside me.

To avoid indulging in Halloween candy, I didn't even buy any this year.  Nope, we're not doing the whole trick-or-treat thing this year.  Call us party poopers if you must but I'm not missing it.

Information Overload

Listening to: I Belong To You by Muse

Wow.  Today I had my injections class and it went smoothly.  It's really not that much different than my allergy injections I used to give myself...except now they're in my stomach.  We got this little packet of information with all the instructions and information about the IUI...and they faxed in my prescription and I've already set up the delivery date for my medication (November 6th).  Now we just wait around for AF to start which "SHOULD" be next Friday.  I'm only giving myself until Sunday and if nothing has happened....I'm going to start the Prometrium.

So, in case your interested, here is the complete medication list for the first cycle:

• Ovidrel 250 ug pre-filled syringe
• Gonal-f RFF 450
• Antagon .25mg prefilled syringe
• Progesterone suppositories 50mg (oh yes, suppositories for my whoo-whoo)
• Letrozole 2.5mg

As for other non-baby related, I drug the dog on another 3 mile walk today.  Poor little guy, he's walked 6 miles in two days...he's exhausted and gives me the evil eye if I mention going again tomorrow.  When I turned off the lights downstairs to come up to the computer, he was laying in his downstairs nest and didn't look like he was going to be moving anytime soon.

B comes home late tomorrow night! We've only got to spend 18 hours alone together in the last two weeks so I'm excited to get some quality snuggle time.  Unfortunately, he's got a lot going on with school and will probably be spending most of his weekend studying for his test and working on his project.

One last thing...yeah for the time change this weekend (one extra hour of sleep that night) but I'm sad that it'll be getting darked earlier.  That will limit my walking on the trails to weekends which is kind of a bummer!

Now, I'm off to bed to see if I can actually fall asleep before 1 AM.  This week I haven't had much luck and I feel tired but I've felt tired all week.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!

Listening to: The Violet Hour by Sea Wolf

B and I had our follow-up with the doctor yesterday and there are three options she's recommending.  The first option is a monitoring cycle of Letrozole and TIC with a cd21 blood draw to see if it worked.  The second option is a straight cycle of Letrozole and an IUI.  The third option was a sequential cycle of Letrozole and FSH injections with an IUI.  Obviously, the options range from very conservative to fairly aggressive and the possibility of multiples really becomes a factor in the third option (20% chance).

It was a lot to think about but  B is out of town for the week and we needed to make a decision soon since I'm already on cd18.  The doctor doesn't think that I will respond well to the Letrozole alone since I didn't respond to Clomid and she feels that the third option gives us the most "bang for our buck".  So....we're going for option three and are keeping our fingers crossed that we fall into the 80% chance of a single birth.

Now, I've got to call and schedule myself for an injections class and wait for AF to show up.  Once she does, life is gonna get kinda busy for a while but then the two week wait will begin and I'll go mad.  Sitting here now, looking at the protocol list...I'm excited and scared and hopeful that this works.  The only negative side to this whole thing is that we're probably going to be missing out on Thanksgiving because of the IUI but it's a small price to pay if this works!

UPDATE: I've scheduled my injections class for Thursday at 1:30.  Having given myself allergy shots for two years in the past, I don't think this is going to be too difficult.  I just hate that I have to go by myself but it can't be helped.

All I Want

Listening to: All I Want by Toad the Wet Sprocket

B made it home from his train vacation last night so we've spent most of the weekend just snuggling up and spending time with each other.  Waiting at the airport gate, I watched all the small children when their mommies and daddies got off the plane.  I couldn't help but feel like B was missing out by not having his own child there to be excited about his homecoming.  With Halloween comes precious children in adorable costumes and another reminder of what we don't have.  The hurt is a bitter pill to swallow sometimes but I'm going into this holiday season with more hope than I've had before.  It may not be our child at the airport this time or our child going door to door begging for candy but the possibilities for next year are wide open.

Tomorrow is our follow-up appointment with Dr. C so we should have a clear outline of the schedule for the next month.  Now, we just have to wait for cd1 to arrive!

Last Test Done

Listening to:  Strange Love by Goo Goo Dolls

This morning I had the ultrasound done to make sure there was nothing unusual going on "down there".  Unlike the incident with the my appendix and it's unusual decision to grow up rather than down, everything is exactly where it should be.  One tube is definitely open and they can't say for certain that both are open without subjecting me to IV contrast and a rash so I'm content with knowing at least I have one to work with.

All things considered, the testing went fine.  I passed all my tests and B sorta passed his so now we've just got to convince my eggs to join the party and we'll actually have a real chance at getting pregnant.

The next appointment is on Monday and we'll be discussing the medication that we will be using in this first cycle.  Timing wise, it looks like the first cycle will be mid-November so the possibility of us finally granting my mother's Christmas wish could actually come true this year.

The Infertility Marathon

Listening to: Silence

We met with the RE as planned on the 13th.  The meeting went better than I expected it to and for that I am so grateful.  She wanted to check my AMH level, do an HSG, and have B's "gang" tested as part of our initial work-up.  She also put me on 500mg of Glucophage which she thinks might help regulate my hormones.  I spoke with the doctor on Friday who let me know my AMH level was fine and that she thought our best starting point would be the Femara.  If I don't ovulate within the first cycle on the medication, we're going to move on to Femara and injections to try and beat my ovaries into submission.

We briefly talked about B's results.  Most all of his numbers were fine but the numbers for motility were lower than normal and she said that it wouldn't be a bad idea to consider doing an IUI just to improve the chances of conceiving.  It looks like our baby is going to end up being created in the least personal way possible...but it will still be created out of love so that's a good thing! My HSG is scheduled for Tuesday and I absolutely CAN'T wait to be subjected to that torture.  A fun time will be had by all.  On the positive side, she doesn't expect to see anything unusual so another positive mark in our column.  We have a follow up appointment with her on 10/26 to go over protocols and then we just have to wait until I have another period to begin.  She wants me to give it 30 days and if I haven't started, she'll call me in a round or progesterone to force the start.  So, it's looking like it will be after 11/8 before we can start the first cycle....but it will be here before you know it.

I'm trying to keep a level head about all of this but I'm finding it difficult to not be excited beyond belief.  All my free time is spent thinking about what will happen when we finally get pregnant and for the first time, I feel hopeful.  I am just praying that this works out for us and that I won't be faced with even further disappointment.  For now, I'm focusing on losing weight, looking at baby furniture, and imagining how I want to decorate the nursery.  I can't wait for it to become a reality!

Various and Sundry Things

I did an overhaul on the blog tonight. The hot pink color scheme that I had been rocking for three years just about made me want to claw my eyes out. I think this new look is nice though and I love how easy it is to customize the layout. All in all, I think it's a classier look...neat and sophisticated...something that I wouldn't mind other people seeing.

I'm honestly getting really excited to go to the doctor next Tuesday. Part of me almost wishes that they could have seen me sooner....yeah, funny....I know. I don't know what it is though that has got me chomping at the bit for Tuesday. Part of my eagerness is caused from the time I'm spending on the treadmill in the morning. I'm still trying to find that "perfect" time to exercise and I'm having to think of babies to really stay motivated. During this "me-time", I'm also trying to think of questions that I want to ask the doctor when we see her. Luckily, we live in an area where some of the best infertility specialist work. The doctor we're seeing has actually been rated as one of the Nation's Best Doctors for the last two years. It makes me feel good to be seeing someone of her caliber because I want someone who is as dedicated to this as we are.

Last night, I did something that I haven't done for a while. I pulled out the pregnancy books that I've collected since we started down this road. It was kind of cool to be looking at them and not feel like I'm going to burst into tears. There was a lot of information about the different infertility therapies and I read through some to see what options we would consider. One thing we talked about last night was the risk of multiples. B really would prefer that we only have one child and I am fine with that too. But, some of these medications increase our chances of having multiples to 25% with the highest probability of the multiples being twins. It's important that we're both on the same page on this and when B heard 25%....he got a little nervous. I quickly pointed out though that there was a 75% chance we'd only have one.

We've agreed that having twins wouldn't be a horrible thing. We'd get two out of the deal and would have an instant family. The point where we differ is what if there were three or more. Knowing that a multiples birth means that I would be considered "high risk", I'm not willing to increase the risk by having three babies versus two. Three babies!!! Holy crap! Personally, I feel like it would be in our best interest (health wise) to selectively reduce down to twins. B doesn't feel like he would be ok with that decision. It's probably not even something we'd have to even consider but it's still something that we needed to talk about. So we continue to wait for Tuesday.

I did it!

For the past several months, I've been making excuses as to why I couldn't go ahead and make the appointment with my gyno to discuss next steps for dealing with infertility. Although I have a multitude of reasons for not calling, only one is really valid and I can only lean on that excuse for so long before people start to tell me to shut up. Personally, I still think I could have pulled the card out a few more times but what would the final cost end up being?

This past weekend, B made a comment along the lines of the fact that we're already nine months into 2009 and that we could have gotten pregnant and been ready to deliver in that time. At first, I laughed it off but it got me thinking. What have I gained by waiting until now to make the appointment? It's not like much has changed since January (or even May). It's been two years since I last saw my gyno which also happens to be the first time I've ever not been religious about getting the under-carriage checkup. After having a very dear friend die from ovarian cancer (diagnosed too late because she hadn't gone to the doctor in four years), I started to worry that I was putting my own life in danger.

All of a sudden, the excuse I had been holding on to all year suddenly seemed so insignificant when compared to the big picture. I had run out of excuses. Monday morning, I made the appointment. The earliest I could get in with my "mechanic" was 11/3 (Happy Election Day to me!) and part of me was relieved that it was so far out because I was still squeezing the life out of my excuse card. I felt good for finally making the appointment and I was fine with it being next month...life was back in alignment.

Today, I was walking on the treadmill and was starting to have that conversation with myself where I rationalize that it's ok to get off the treadmill early because I'm really not feeling that great anyway, and that slight twinge in my hip really shouldn't be exacerbated because it could really lead to a major injury. Knowing that I had to focus myself or I was going to wimp out, I began to think about the one thing that seems to get me motivated....decorating the nursery of my futuristic baby. So, here I was....Muse blaring from the speakers, my thoughts were on wall colors and themes, and part of my brain was thinking that I needed to replace that song on the walking playlist with something more peppy because I felt like I should be cooling down but I still had 20 minutes. If I waited until November to see the mechanic, I wouldn't be able to get into the RE until mid to late November at the earliest which meant we probably wouldn't actually be able to start a cycle until December. On the other hand, who wants to start a cycle so close to Christmas when you're traveling and sleeping in your old bedroom at your mom and dad's house? Seriously, the idea of "BD" anywhere close to family just makes me cringe...besides, people know we're gonna be trying again. If we were to even be out of the room at the same time, everyone is gonna be thinking that we're sneaking off to a closet and that is just weird.

Do you see how my brain works? So, the first cycle couldn't actually start until January. I really don't want to be seven, eight, or nine months pregnant throughout the whole summer so getting pregnant in January isn't ideal (now I'm just being picky). If I'm going to miss the whole summer misery, I probably shouldn't get pregnant until March (this is me being selfish...oh look, only 10 more minutes to go). This is stupid.....waiting until the 11/3 appointment to make the RE appointment is stupid....I'm going to call the RE today and go ahead and get on their books because they probably won't be able to see me until November anyway.

Fifteen minutes later (I gave myself time to cool down), I called to make the appointment. I almost dropped the phone when they said they could see me next Tuesday...my excuse card just disintegrated. Needless to say, it totally caught B off-guard because he was just thrilled I made the 11/3 appointment and to finally get to see an RE just might have made his whole freaking quarter! Yea me! So, tonight, I've spent lots of time on the internet just trying to get familiar with all the options so that I can go into next week's appointment with a general idea of what path I want to take. Are there specific questions that I should be asking? Any help is GREATLY appreciated.

Latest Happenings....

It has been a few weeks since I've had time to actually sit down and focus some time on my poor, neglected blog. Since my last posting, I went to a baby shower for our dear friends whose pregnancy has been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster for myself and my own issues with infertility. It was the first time I have seen her since before she got pregnant and it was the first time I had spoken to her since they announced their news (aside from a letter explaining why I was being so distant). I thought I was prepared and I thought it wouldn't be too painful but I was wrong on both accounts. I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming emotions of seeing her and wishing that I was pregnant. I wasn't prepared to feel so hurt because the struggle for us has been so difficult but yet so easy for everyone else. I tried to put on a happy face and pretend that everything was fine but even she noticed how quiet I was. Luckily, I had my mom there and she was quick to suggest that we go home when she saw that my armor was starting to crack. The whole experience reminded me of a piece of flair that I have on my Facebook that says:

"I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like it's all a dream, and pretend it's not hurting me."

B is wanting to go see them in February one last time before the baby arrives and everything changes. As of right now, I've committed to going but I'm not going to force myself if I'm going to spend the whole weekend upset. It's not fair to them and it wouldn't be fair to me. Enough about that stuff now!

Recent announcements were made at work that put my job and its stability into question. I wallowed in pity and worry for about 5 days but I've smacked myself in the face and told myself to get over it. At this point, we still don't know anything but I've decided that I'm not going to worry about it. If I get laid off, I get laid off and no amount of worrying is going to change it. On the other hand, if I don't get laid off...I will not have wasted time worrying about something that didn't happen. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic...maybe I'm in denial....but either way, I feel like I'm in a better mental state than I was on January 14th.

The family drama has died down some. The family has split itself up into two camps...us and them. Some of us aren't even interested in ever talking to some of them ever again while some of us try to bridge the gap with those in the them group. I've resigned myself to the fact that our family is never going to be the way it used to be but my life goes on. I've got my own family and don't feel like I'm missing out by closing others out of my life. I find it easier and less stressful to just shut doors permanently rather than keeping them partially open and letting myself be repeatedly hurt by the actions of others. Walls are easier to be built while you are strong rather than waiting until you are too weak. By the same token, walls are easier to be torn down when you are strong too...not that I think that these walls will ever come down again. I'm not opposed to the family working it out and becoming the one cohesive group we used to be but it's going to take a lot of work and positive actions from them before I'm even willing to acknowledge them. Maybe I'm being pigheaded and difficult but I value my mental sanity and I despise tumultuous relationships with members of my own family so I'm just stopping it now. My friend David is probably rolling his eyes though because it's just one more wall I've got now and oh how he hates those damn walls!

February is going to be a crazy month...the weekends are already getting full. Spring is around the corner and I can't wait! That's all I've got in me for now!

I should explain...read at your own risk.

On Monday, I put a new countdown clock on my sidebar with a very vague explanation about what would happen in 83 days. Today, I'm going to "reveal" what the countdown actually means.

B and I decided that we were ready to have a baby on December 26, 2006 (yes, I remember the exact date). I had been on birth control pills ever since I was 18 in order to regulate my cycles and knew that coming off the birth control would create all kinds of problems for my body. At my last appointment with my doctor in April of that year, I had mentioned that B and I were tossing around the idea of a baby but that I was concerned about my ability to ovulate. She told me that when we were ready, to start monitoring my cycles and if I wasn't in a normal pattern within 6 months to come back in. I had actually stopped taking birth control pills in October 2006 because I knew I was going to have problems and I figured that if I stopped taking them at that time, it would just give my body more time to adjust. The problem was...I wasn't.

We went to see the doctor in February and I took in my BBT charts. She looked over them and concluded that I wasn't ovulating...duh, I had 2 periods in 6 months! She sent me for the usual work-up and told me that all was not lost. I went home with two prescriptions that day, one for Clomid and one for Progesterone. Once my blood work all came back normal, she told me to take the Progesterone for 10 days and wait for my period. Once it started, I was to take the Clomid from cd5 to cd9 and we started out at the 50mg dose. I was instructed to come back in on cd21 for a blood test to determine if I had ovulated. I was convinced this was going to help so I was methodical in taking my temperature every day, recording it, taking my medicine at the exact same time every day, and wondering if every twitch and pain was a sign that it was working. On cd 21 I went in for my blood test, and the very next day they called with the results. I will never forget that conversation!

"Hello."

"Hi, is LeeAnne there? This is Dr. Gausmann."

"Hi Dr. Gausmann. This is LeeAnne, how are you?"

"I'm good. Listen, we got your blood work back. I'm afraid you didn't ovulate."

"Ok........well.....crap. What was my level, just out of curiosity?"

"It was less than point two."

"Less than point two?! Really? It didn't even register?"

"Don't give up yet. It was such a low dose, I didn't think the first time around would work. Let's try 100mg this month on the same cycle days...."

The rest of the conversation was a blur because I was still focusing on the "LESS THAN .2" thing. So next month, same thing (still less than .2). The month after that we did 150mg and I wasn't surprised when I still didn't register. I was kind of numb at this point and felt like a failure as a woman. The month after that we decided to try 150mg for 7 days rather than 5 and when they called with those results, I just didn't give a damn anymore.

At that point, I was becoming obsessive about the whole thing and decided to just take a break. My doctor wanted to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist and said we could give injections a try. Of course, this scared the crap out of B because the chance of multiples goes up and he wasn't really looking to have twins. So we just let nature take its course until I was ready. Flash forward a year...nothing changed with my body. I wasn't having periods...but would occasionally have bleeding that would last for a day to sometimes as long as twenty days. I was so pissed at my body by this point that I was ready to become the old lady with 50 cats.

July 2008 was when my life got turned upside down. My family hit a rough patch and I was under a lot of pressure. Suddenly I started having "periods" every month...they were irregular and varied in length. I was suddenly optimistic because I felt like my hormones were starting to regulate. We had decided to go back to the doctor in the Fall to try Clomid again and I was ready to handle the emotional roller coaster. Right after we made that decision, our closest friends announced they were pregnant after trying the first month and I was sent reeling. I was so mad with the universe and the hand that B and I had been dealt and I was so hurt and sad that I wasn't in any mood to go see the doctor. It took months for me to even be able to face my dear sweet friend and even then I could only talk to her through texts and a really long letter I sent her to explain my poor behavior. Luckily, she understood and was giving me all the time I needed to get through it. I still haven't been able to see her in person but I am going to her shower this weekend so I'd better prepare myself.

Around my birthday, B started asking when we were going to go back to the doctor and I got so nervous thinking about it. We finally compromised on January....but as January approached I started getting anxious and told him I wasn't ready. So we've made another compromise to make the appointment on March 31st which is what the ticker represents. I have 83 days to lose 25 pounds and get myself ready to give this whole thing another shot. If it doesn't work this time around....I think we're going to try the injections but I'm holding out hope that it won't come to that.

2009 is going to be my year!

Notice the ticker on the right?!

Oh...and New Moon comes out 11/20.

Holding my breath...

Let me say this one thing first. After having a normal period in July and August, I was excited to think that September would bring another timed period. I was obviously wrong to get so excited. I'm on cd34 with no period in sight...and I am feeling so frustrated and down.

Trust me, I'm not holding my breath waiting for my period to show up. If I were...I'd probably pass out first and kill off some brain cells due to a lack of oxygen. No, I'm holding my breath waiting to see what this weekend will bring. We have very dear friends who made the decision to try and start a family and were lucky to get pregnant the first month they tried. They told us of the pregnancy in August and I AM happy for them. None of what I'm feeling now is directed towards them...but I'm really having a hard time with the cosmic hand I've been dealt. We've been trying for almost 2 years and I can't even have a normal period....they try the first month and get pregnant. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.

These friends are coming to visit this weekend and I'm really struggling with it. B didn't really ask me what I thought about having them over and I just don't think I'm ready to see them and hear all about the pregnancy. I feel like it is too soon...and it's very possible that I wouldn't want to see them during the entire pregnancy. Wait...it's not that I don't want to see them (I do)...it's more along the lines that I don't want to have a pregnancy rubbed into my already aching wound. I don't feel like anyone really understands me...especially not B. I'm just so frustrated and if they do come to visit this weekend...I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I don't want to make her feel bad for being here and being pregnant but I don't want to spend the whole weekend feeling sad and depressed. It's just too soon...

In the meantime, I'm going to make more of an effort to get out and walk and watch my diet. I've lost 10 pounds...and that makes me feel great.