Listening to: Take A Picture by Filter
So another week has come to an end and we're quickly moving through October. B will be leaving next weekend for a vacation trip with his family so I'll be living it up as a single woman the week of the 17th through the 24th. When I say living it up I mean watching chick flicks, reading, crocheting, and snuggling with the dog....yep, that's living it up for me! I'm a little sad that B isn't going to be here for the Blue October concert in Charlotte on the 23rd because I would LOVE to see them perform again.
Looking at the weekends for the remainder of 2009, I can already see that the coming months are going to be full of stress. October's weekends are pretty much booked. With B flying out and back in on Saturdays, it pretty much shoots two weekends in the foot. We might be going to Charlotte for Halloween weekend so that takes up the last weekend. November has B's family coming down the weekend before Thanksgiving and us going to Abingdon Thanksgiving weekend. One weekend we've devoted to celebrating my birthday which only leaves us with one open weekend in November. I was hoping we could go home sometime before Thanksgiving but it's looking doubtful. There is always the possibility that we could go home two weekends in November but I doubt I'll be able to convince B to do it.
I still waiting for my GRE scores to be sent to ECU. Hopefully, I'll be getting good news on that front and can start figuring out what classes to take. Personally, I'm excited at the prospect of going back to school and having homework, projects, and tests to work on.
On the "Project Baby Making" front, we've only got a few more days until the appointment. I'm going to get a notebook this weekend and start jotting down questions that I want to ask. I'm also planning to call a friend of mine who worked in an OB/GYN office and get her advice on questions to ask. Last night we had a discussion about who we would want to raise our child/children should something happen to us and we both agree that there is no clear-cut solution. Although we love our parents and think they are going to be great grandparents, we're reluctant to ask them to be guardians because they've reached a point in their lives where they've raised their own kids and shouldn't be starting over with new ones.
B has a brother and a sister, and I have a brother. B's brother isn't really into having major responsibilities and I wouldn't want to burden him with one. B's sister is a good candidate because she's financially stable, young, and in a solid relationship. But, she's more than likely not going to be living anywhere close to my parents and it is extremely important that my parents be involved after we're gone (they don't have the same financial freedom to see their grandchild whenever). My brother is a good candidate as well. He's young, he would have a bigger support system to help him, and his views on raising children are similar to our own. I know that he wants children someday and I know that he would make an excellent father. The downside is that he's not yet financially stable and he is single. Now I know that the financially stable part shouldn't be that big of a deal because our entire estate would go to our child so there wouldn't be too much of a burden on whoever ends up as guardian. I just struggle with the fact that he's single and I worry about the type of women he could bring into our child's life. He would essentially go from an eligible man with no baggage to an eligible man with baggage and I would hate to do that to him. We even talked about asking our close friends but I'm afraid of what kind of message that would be sending to our families. In any case, it's a big decision that would need to be made but we've got plenty of time to talk about it.
B will be studying most of the weekend but we have a date tomorrow night. Otherwise, I'll be spending my weekend working on my crochet project. The weather is gonna be sucky this weekend so it's a perfect time to stay inside and just relax before the madness starts!
I write like I speak, so if you're a grammar freak just go ahead and close the browser...I won't mind.
Friday, October 09, 2009
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Various and Sundry Things
I did an overhaul on the blog tonight. The hot pink color scheme that I had been rocking for three years just about made me want to claw my eyes out. I think this new look is nice though and I love how easy it is to customize the layout. All in all, I think it's a classier look...neat and sophisticated...something that I wouldn't mind other people seeing.
I'm honestly getting really excited to go to the doctor next Tuesday. Part of me almost wishes that they could have seen me sooner....yeah, funny....I know. I don't know what it is though that has got me chomping at the bit for Tuesday. Part of my eagerness is caused from the time I'm spending on the treadmill in the morning. I'm still trying to find that "perfect" time to exercise and I'm having to think of babies to really stay motivated. During this "me-time", I'm also trying to think of questions that I want to ask the doctor when we see her. Luckily, we live in an area where some of the best infertility specialist work. The doctor we're seeing has actually been rated as one of the Nation's Best Doctors for the last two years. It makes me feel good to be seeing someone of her caliber because I want someone who is as dedicated to this as we are.
Last night, I did something that I haven't done for a while. I pulled out the pregnancy books that I've collected since we started down this road. It was kind of cool to be looking at them and not feel like I'm going to burst into tears. There was a lot of information about the different infertility therapies and I read through some to see what options we would consider. One thing we talked about last night was the risk of multiples. B really would prefer that we only have one child and I am fine with that too. But, some of these medications increase our chances of having multiples to 25% with the highest probability of the multiples being twins. It's important that we're both on the same page on this and when B heard 25%....he got a little nervous. I quickly pointed out though that there was a 75% chance we'd only have one.
We've agreed that having twins wouldn't be a horrible thing. We'd get two out of the deal and would have an instant family. The point where we differ is what if there were three or more. Knowing that a multiples birth means that I would be considered "high risk", I'm not willing to increase the risk by having three babies versus two. Three babies!!! Holy crap! Personally, I feel like it would be in our best interest (health wise) to selectively reduce down to twins. B doesn't feel like he would be ok with that decision. It's probably not even something we'd have to even consider but it's still something that we needed to talk about. So we continue to wait for Tuesday.
I'm honestly getting really excited to go to the doctor next Tuesday. Part of me almost wishes that they could have seen me sooner....yeah, funny....I know. I don't know what it is though that has got me chomping at the bit for Tuesday. Part of my eagerness is caused from the time I'm spending on the treadmill in the morning. I'm still trying to find that "perfect" time to exercise and I'm having to think of babies to really stay motivated. During this "me-time", I'm also trying to think of questions that I want to ask the doctor when we see her. Luckily, we live in an area where some of the best infertility specialist work. The doctor we're seeing has actually been rated as one of the Nation's Best Doctors for the last two years. It makes me feel good to be seeing someone of her caliber because I want someone who is as dedicated to this as we are.
Last night, I did something that I haven't done for a while. I pulled out the pregnancy books that I've collected since we started down this road. It was kind of cool to be looking at them and not feel like I'm going to burst into tears. There was a lot of information about the different infertility therapies and I read through some to see what options we would consider. One thing we talked about last night was the risk of multiples. B really would prefer that we only have one child and I am fine with that too. But, some of these medications increase our chances of having multiples to 25% with the highest probability of the multiples being twins. It's important that we're both on the same page on this and when B heard 25%....he got a little nervous. I quickly pointed out though that there was a 75% chance we'd only have one.
We've agreed that having twins wouldn't be a horrible thing. We'd get two out of the deal and would have an instant family. The point where we differ is what if there were three or more. Knowing that a multiples birth means that I would be considered "high risk", I'm not willing to increase the risk by having three babies versus two. Three babies!!! Holy crap! Personally, I feel like it would be in our best interest (health wise) to selectively reduce down to twins. B doesn't feel like he would be ok with that decision. It's probably not even something we'd have to even consider but it's still something that we needed to talk about. So we continue to wait for Tuesday.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
I did it!
For the past several months, I've been making excuses as to why I couldn't go ahead and make the appointment with my gyno to discuss next steps for dealing with infertility. Although I have a multitude of reasons for not calling, only one is really valid and I can only lean on that excuse for so long before people start to tell me to shut up. Personally, I still think I could have pulled the card out a few more times but what would the final cost end up being?
This past weekend, B made a comment along the lines of the fact that we're already nine months into 2009 and that we could have gotten pregnant and been ready to deliver in that time. At first, I laughed it off but it got me thinking. What have I gained by waiting until now to make the appointment? It's not like much has changed since January (or even May). It's been two years since I last saw my gyno which also happens to be the first time I've ever not been religious about getting the under-carriage checkup. After having a very dear friend die from ovarian cancer (diagnosed too late because she hadn't gone to the doctor in four years), I started to worry that I was putting my own life in danger.
All of a sudden, the excuse I had been holding on to all year suddenly seemed so insignificant when compared to the big picture. I had run out of excuses. Monday morning, I made the appointment. The earliest I could get in with my "mechanic" was 11/3 (Happy Election Day to me!) and part of me was relieved that it was so far out because I was still squeezing the life out of my excuse card. I felt good for finally making the appointment and I was fine with it being next month...life was back in alignment.
Today, I was walking on the treadmill and was starting to have that conversation with myself where I rationalize that it's ok to get off the treadmill early because I'm really not feeling that great anyway, and that slight twinge in my hip really shouldn't be exacerbated because it could really lead to a major injury. Knowing that I had to focus myself or I was going to wimp out, I began to think about the one thing that seems to get me motivated....decorating the nursery of my futuristic baby. So, here I was....Muse blaring from the speakers, my thoughts were on wall colors and themes, and part of my brain was thinking that I needed to replace that song on the walking playlist with something more peppy because I felt like I should be cooling down but I still had 20 minutes. If I waited until November to see the mechanic, I wouldn't be able to get into the RE until mid to late November at the earliest which meant we probably wouldn't actually be able to start a cycle until December. On the other hand, who wants to start a cycle so close to Christmas when you're traveling and sleeping in your old bedroom at your mom and dad's house? Seriously, the idea of "BD" anywhere close to family just makes me cringe...besides, people know we're gonna be trying again. If we were to even be out of the room at the same time, everyone is gonna be thinking that we're sneaking off to a closet and that is just weird.
Do you see how my brain works? So, the first cycle couldn't actually start until January. I really don't want to be seven, eight, or nine months pregnant throughout the whole summer so getting pregnant in January isn't ideal (now I'm just being picky). If I'm going to miss the whole summer misery, I probably shouldn't get pregnant until March (this is me being selfish...oh look, only 10 more minutes to go). This is stupid.....waiting until the 11/3 appointment to make the RE appointment is stupid....I'm going to call the RE today and go ahead and get on their books because they probably won't be able to see me until November anyway.
Fifteen minutes later (I gave myself time to cool down), I called to make the appointment. I almost dropped the phone when they said they could see me next Tuesday...my excuse card just disintegrated. Needless to say, it totally caught B off-guard because he was just thrilled I made the 11/3 appointment and to finally get to see an RE just might have made his whole freaking quarter! Yea me! So, tonight, I've spent lots of time on the internet just trying to get familiar with all the options so that I can go into next week's appointment with a general idea of what path I want to take. Are there specific questions that I should be asking? Any help is GREATLY appreciated.
This past weekend, B made a comment along the lines of the fact that we're already nine months into 2009 and that we could have gotten pregnant and been ready to deliver in that time. At first, I laughed it off but it got me thinking. What have I gained by waiting until now to make the appointment? It's not like much has changed since January (or even May). It's been two years since I last saw my gyno which also happens to be the first time I've ever not been religious about getting the under-carriage checkup. After having a very dear friend die from ovarian cancer (diagnosed too late because she hadn't gone to the doctor in four years), I started to worry that I was putting my own life in danger.
All of a sudden, the excuse I had been holding on to all year suddenly seemed so insignificant when compared to the big picture. I had run out of excuses. Monday morning, I made the appointment. The earliest I could get in with my "mechanic" was 11/3 (Happy Election Day to me!) and part of me was relieved that it was so far out because I was still squeezing the life out of my excuse card. I felt good for finally making the appointment and I was fine with it being next month...life was back in alignment.
Today, I was walking on the treadmill and was starting to have that conversation with myself where I rationalize that it's ok to get off the treadmill early because I'm really not feeling that great anyway, and that slight twinge in my hip really shouldn't be exacerbated because it could really lead to a major injury. Knowing that I had to focus myself or I was going to wimp out, I began to think about the one thing that seems to get me motivated....decorating the nursery of my futuristic baby. So, here I was....Muse blaring from the speakers, my thoughts were on wall colors and themes, and part of my brain was thinking that I needed to replace that song on the walking playlist with something more peppy because I felt like I should be cooling down but I still had 20 minutes. If I waited until November to see the mechanic, I wouldn't be able to get into the RE until mid to late November at the earliest which meant we probably wouldn't actually be able to start a cycle until December. On the other hand, who wants to start a cycle so close to Christmas when you're traveling and sleeping in your old bedroom at your mom and dad's house? Seriously, the idea of "BD" anywhere close to family just makes me cringe...besides, people know we're gonna be trying again. If we were to even be out of the room at the same time, everyone is gonna be thinking that we're sneaking off to a closet and that is just weird.
Do you see how my brain works? So, the first cycle couldn't actually start until January. I really don't want to be seven, eight, or nine months pregnant throughout the whole summer so getting pregnant in January isn't ideal (now I'm just being picky). If I'm going to miss the whole summer misery, I probably shouldn't get pregnant until March (this is me being selfish...oh look, only 10 more minutes to go). This is stupid.....waiting until the 11/3 appointment to make the RE appointment is stupid....I'm going to call the RE today and go ahead and get on their books because they probably won't be able to see me until November anyway.
Fifteen minutes later (I gave myself time to cool down), I called to make the appointment. I almost dropped the phone when they said they could see me next Tuesday...my excuse card just disintegrated. Needless to say, it totally caught B off-guard because he was just thrilled I made the 11/3 appointment and to finally get to see an RE just might have made his whole freaking quarter! Yea me! So, tonight, I've spent lots of time on the internet just trying to get familiar with all the options so that I can go into next week's appointment with a general idea of what path I want to take. Are there specific questions that I should be asking? Any help is GREATLY appreciated.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
26 Days Later
I've been really trying to work hard at this whole "healthy eating" way of life. Since starting this process, I've actually only been on the wagon for 26 days (traveling really got in the way). So far I've lost 13.4 pounds....yep, 13.4! I'm still kind of in shock that I've lost that much so soon but I will tell you, it keeps me motivated to stick with it.
Yesterday was really hard though. My body is going through this hormonal issue right now and I have started my period (22 days after the last one started, mind you!). I don't know what it was about yesterday but I was STARVING all day long! I really tried to stick to my diet, and I did fine with breakfast and lunch but I knew I couldn't stick to it for dinner. Yesterday was also the first day in over a week that I haven't done my hour on the treadmill. I just had no energy!
So, last night...I fell off the wagon and went to Cook-Out and had a hamburger, onion rings, and a sweet tea. On our way home, I also ate a Kit-Kat bar....remember, I'm hormonal!!!!! I didn't beat myself up about it though. Today is a different day and I really haven't had the hunger issue today like I did yesterday. In fact, I'll probably be on the treadmill in a couple of hours.
I like this new me and I love that my clothes are getting looser. Do I think my improved diet and exercise program may be playing a part in my hormone issues? Sure, anything is possible at this point! I feel good and actually look forward to getting on the scales in the morning! All in all, not a bad start!
Yesterday was really hard though. My body is going through this hormonal issue right now and I have started my period (22 days after the last one started, mind you!). I don't know what it was about yesterday but I was STARVING all day long! I really tried to stick to my diet, and I did fine with breakfast and lunch but I knew I couldn't stick to it for dinner. Yesterday was also the first day in over a week that I haven't done my hour on the treadmill. I just had no energy!
So, last night...I fell off the wagon and went to Cook-Out and had a hamburger, onion rings, and a sweet tea. On our way home, I also ate a Kit-Kat bar....remember, I'm hormonal!!!!! I didn't beat myself up about it though. Today is a different day and I really haven't had the hunger issue today like I did yesterday. In fact, I'll probably be on the treadmill in a couple of hours.
I like this new me and I love that my clothes are getting looser. Do I think my improved diet and exercise program may be playing a part in my hormone issues? Sure, anything is possible at this point! I feel good and actually look forward to getting on the scales in the morning! All in all, not a bad start!
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Off the diet topic
This past weekend, B and I had the opportunity to travel with my mom, brother, and grandmother to Washington, DC to visit some family. I had seen Aunt Ruth, Gary and Liz at my grandfather's funeral (almost a year ago) but hadn't seen Diana and Alexandra since I was 15. It was so nice to be around family that we hadn't spent a lot of time with. It was also good to be around Aunt Ruth since she is the last sibling of my grandfather's that is still alive. To hear the stories and see the pictures of a generation ago...it was so thrilling to have new visions of my grandfather to think about when I feel sad.
My Aunt Ruth is a dear, sweet lady. She is always so thoughtful and always so vocal about how great it is for us to visit. She is definitely a very special lady and I have always been closer to her above all of my grandfather's other siblings. I know that she has had a really hard year, having to experience the death of her brother, sister, and brother-in-law within the span of four months. It has been an eye opening experience for her since this was the first time in her long life that she feels old.
To see her in action, you would never believe that she is 87 years old. In fact, she's got more get-up-and-go than most 50 year olds. If I am even half as mobile and rowdy at her age when I'm 87, I will be eternally happy. She mentioned to me, while giving me a tour of her active adult community, that having us come to visit filled a void that she had felt since my grandfather passed away. Those words stuck me more deeply than she could have ever imagined.
It hadn't occurred to me that Aunt Ruth saw us as the last link she had of my grandfather and being with us helped her feel more at peace with his death. She has a loving family of her own, but she also needs to feel and be reassured of our love for her too. She also mentioned that our visit had helped relieve a lot of guilt that she had but before I could ask what guilt, her eyes started to shimmer and I knew it was better to not push further and cause her to feel even more sadness. Maybe she felt guilty for continuing to live when all of her siblings are gone. Maybe she felt guilty because she didn't get to spend time with him right before he passed away. Maybe it was even guilt for not being more involved in our lives. I don't know if I will ever find the reason for her guilt.
If granddad were here, he would tell her to not feel guilty for living because it just wasn't her time to go. He'd tell her that the end would be here soon enough so she needed to make each day count and be comforted in the knowledge that when it was all said and done...her siblings, parents, and loved ones would be there for her again. He would tell her that even though she wasn't there at the end, he knew she loved him and that their last weekend together was full of his favorite memories and the sound of laughter. He would tell her that even though we are a family that is cast to all parts of the country, we are still a family and no amount of distance could break that bond. We may not see each other as often as we like but we're never far from our thoughts.
He would also appreciate the quote from Julie Burchill that I have on my Facebook:
"Tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile."
He would say that he had lived his life completely and was ready to go. How can I possibly disagree with him? Realizing that grief is really for the living, I can't cry for what we've lost because I know that he's happy and I am happy for him. My only hope is that spending time with Aunt Ruth this weekend allowed her to heal and let go of any guilt that she might have felt because life is too short and too precious to go around feeling guilty.
My Aunt Ruth is a dear, sweet lady. She is always so thoughtful and always so vocal about how great it is for us to visit. She is definitely a very special lady and I have always been closer to her above all of my grandfather's other siblings. I know that she has had a really hard year, having to experience the death of her brother, sister, and brother-in-law within the span of four months. It has been an eye opening experience for her since this was the first time in her long life that she feels old.
To see her in action, you would never believe that she is 87 years old. In fact, she's got more get-up-and-go than most 50 year olds. If I am even half as mobile and rowdy at her age when I'm 87, I will be eternally happy. She mentioned to me, while giving me a tour of her active adult community, that having us come to visit filled a void that she had felt since my grandfather passed away. Those words stuck me more deeply than she could have ever imagined.
It hadn't occurred to me that Aunt Ruth saw us as the last link she had of my grandfather and being with us helped her feel more at peace with his death. She has a loving family of her own, but she also needs to feel and be reassured of our love for her too. She also mentioned that our visit had helped relieve a lot of guilt that she had but before I could ask what guilt, her eyes started to shimmer and I knew it was better to not push further and cause her to feel even more sadness. Maybe she felt guilty for continuing to live when all of her siblings are gone. Maybe she felt guilty because she didn't get to spend time with him right before he passed away. Maybe it was even guilt for not being more involved in our lives. I don't know if I will ever find the reason for her guilt.
If granddad were here, he would tell her to not feel guilty for living because it just wasn't her time to go. He'd tell her that the end would be here soon enough so she needed to make each day count and be comforted in the knowledge that when it was all said and done...her siblings, parents, and loved ones would be there for her again. He would tell her that even though she wasn't there at the end, he knew she loved him and that their last weekend together was full of his favorite memories and the sound of laughter. He would tell her that even though we are a family that is cast to all parts of the country, we are still a family and no amount of distance could break that bond. We may not see each other as often as we like but we're never far from our thoughts.
He would also appreciate the quote from Julie Burchill that I have on my Facebook:
"Tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile."
He would say that he had lived his life completely and was ready to go. How can I possibly disagree with him? Realizing that grief is really for the living, I can't cry for what we've lost because I know that he's happy and I am happy for him. My only hope is that spending time with Aunt Ruth this weekend allowed her to heal and let go of any guilt that she might have felt because life is too short and too precious to go around feeling guilty.
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