I don't know what to say...

Mom went by the dialysis center yesterday to talk to the doctor. Ultimately, it is her decision about when, where, and how my grandfather will spend his last days. She has the power of attorney and she (along with one of her brothers) has his best interests at heart. The doctor gave mom a prescription for a patch to put on him every day to calm him down and hopefully make him less combative and angry. He's had success with it on two other patients...and since it isn't a pill, we have a better chance of actually getting him to wear it without complaining.

Mom spent some time with him while he was having dialysis and he was in a good frame of mind. He was happy to see her and was laughing at her stories. It was a pleasant change from the day before when he was extremely confused. Granddad told mom that he wants to stop dialysis and that he is tired. Mom asked him if he thought he could continue until Larry and Amanda's wedding (August 2nd) but he didn't think he could wait that long. She asked him if he could at least wait until she had her back surgery so she could help out and he more or less agreed to wait until after the surgery. So, it buys us 2 to 3 weeks.

Mom and I talked about it last night and we both agree that we would hate to have this happen right before Larry and Amanda's wedding. It isn't about us being selfish but more about them wanting him there. Mom seems to think that if they can get him to wear the patch and she has some more conversations with him, she can convince him to wait until after the wedding.

It's obvious that he is ready to let go which means I need to be ready to let go too. I hope that the coming weeks pulls our family back to the closeness that we used to have instead of pushing us further and further apart. My mom has to do what is best for him and anyone who loves him would know that "doing whatever it takes to keep him alive" is not the right thing to do.

Vacation can't come soon enough!

Well, I managed to survive May and June has been just as crazy. Vacation is officially 2 weeks and 4 days away. I've been putting off getting my lists together because I've had so much stuff going on but I'm starting to panic!

We went to Charlotte for the weekend to hang out with Jason and Jennifer. Rand and Amy came over Saturday night so we did what we do best...had lots of beer and wine, ate pizza rolls at 1 AM, played a pathetic game of 64, and was generally loud and obnoxious. I will say that it was nice to sleep in my own bed Sunday night...but I do miss hanging out with them.

I'm putting the whole baby thing on hold again....I've got some issues that need to be resolved first and I'm feeling like it's never going to happen for us. I've been off BCP since October 2006 and I've kind of lost hope at this point but I'm working on myself and am setting goals so we may be back on the baby wagon by the end of this year.

My grandfather is not doing well. He hasn't taken any of his medicine for the past 3 weeks and it is really starting to show. His dementia (which wasn't even noticeable before) is creating lots of problems. He's becoming more and more combative and verbally abusive to those around him. I'm still going home about 2 times a month but I don't see this side of him when I'm there. Mom is meeting with the doctor today to discuss options. The general consensus from most of the family is that this can't go on. It's always supposed to be quality over quantity and right now the quality sucks. Larry and Amanda are getting married August 2nd and the plan is to take him off dialysis shortly after that. So...we have a deadline...and I've looked at my calendar so many times in the last few days to see how many more weekends I have with him. B, Marshall, and Bill are going to Seattle 8/30 to 9/6 and I'm so afraid that B is going to end up having to cut his trip short. He's been wonderful about it though and said he would come back without any hesitation. Once we stop the dialysis, I'll be up in Virginia until the end and B is totally supportive of that decision. So...I've got at least 4 more weekends....I need to make them count!

On a happier note, Matt will be down tomorrow night through Monday evening. It's his 5 off break and I'm super excited because I haven't seen him in forever. No big plans have been made...we're just going to hang out and not make many plans.

Enough of the book now...until later!

I always sucked at journals!

This is definitely something that I just can't seem to do on a regular basis. I was never good at writing in journals...and after working with computers all day long, going home to type on one isn't in my top 10 list.

April flew by so quickly! I guess when I'm traveling back to Abingdon twice a month...it makes the time fly. The family is taking the wait and see approach with my grandfather. He hasn't been on the seizure medication for about a month now and he hasn't had a seizure...but it also hasn't reduced his confusion and anger. When I think back to this time last month, I was facing the possibility that I would be watching one of the most influential people in my life start the dying process this month. We aren't to that point yet though. We're continuing treatment as long as we have an occasional good day. It really is the good days we hang on to because they are the only things that get us through the really horrible days. I know in my heart that this can't continue forever. At some point, I will have to say goodbye. It just doesn't seem like there has been enough time.

May is going to be extremely busy! I'm going to Abingdon this weekend and next weekend. The weekend after that we are going to Bryson City, NC for B's 30th birthday celebration with his family. The weekend after that is our anniversary...I can't believe we've been married 7 years already. June already has three weekends filled and then we're into July which means our beach trip finally happens!

Shew....

14 Days Till Christmas!!!!!

With only two weeks left until the holidays are upon us, I've found myself becoming more obsessive with list making. There is the list of things to do before this Thursday, the things to do on Friday, the weekend dinner plan, the weekend grocery list, the did-I-get-all-my-relatives-a-present list, the Christmas card list, the baking list, the packing list, the Fez packing list...all I get done are lists!!!!

I just keep telling myself...this too shall pass...this too shall pass.

17 days till Christmas!

As I sit here in my office and look out the window, I wonder what is in store for me in 2008. I've finally committed to a date to take my CAPM exam. My fingers are crossed that I pass it on my first try.

Matt is in a relationship with someone new. She seems very nice so we'll have to wait and see what happens. He was getting pinned this morning so his training is over! Yeah for him! Mom and dad have a new puppy and its nice to hear the excitement and happiness in her voice for once.

Christmas is around the corner and it's time to start counting my blessings for this year and setting goals for 2008. Have you made your list?