LeeAnne's Little Web Window

2nd Beta Results - 14 dpo

2010-04-08T10:00:00.003-05:00

I just spoke with my doctor and my Beta this morning was 200 which is a great number. They like to see the number double every 48 hours which mine definitely did. In fact, my doubling time was almost 36 hours. Our first OB scan is 4/26 at 8AM and this will be when we get to see a heartbeat and they will determine how many babies are in our future. I feel great about today's numbers and I'll feel even better after we see the heartbeat! Today is a great day!

We're PREGNANT! - 12 dpo

2010-04-06T13:19:00.004-05:00

After the trigger shot that I took on 3/23, I was concerned that I wouldn't ovulate...I mean, it had been a damn uphill battle just to get me to ovulate so I wasn't 100% convinced that a single HCG shot was going to do it for me. I brought up my concerns when we went in for the IUI and Angela (the nurse) said that I had to take a leap of faith and just trust that it did what it was supposed to do. So, I begrudgingly did as she asked and just took that jump.

Of course, we then hit the horrible 2ww and I will admit that I was a little obsessive about analyzing any and all "pregnancy" symptoms. As we got closer to our Easter trip home, I became more and more convinced that the IUI didn't work and I was definitely not pregnant. All things considered, I was ok with that...we could always do another round of injections and I was going to insist that they give me two trigger shots this next time instead of just the one.

Saturday was spent having an Easter picnic at Sugar Hollow and was full of people asking me if we were pregnant yet. Saturday night, when I wiped with the toilet paper, it was slightly...faintly....pink but I pushed the thought out of my head. Sunday morning, there were a couple of other instances of the pink spotting and I was beginning to wonder if it was possible that I was experiencing implantation bleeding. My friend, J, told me her implantation bleeding story and it sounded really similar but I didn't dare to hope.

Monday morning, I woke up from a horrible dream in which B got us banned from a Harris Teeter for stealing a pregnancy test. Before I even realized what I was doing, I had PIAC and dipped an internet test strip. Three minutes later, it had a faint second line. My hands were shaking as I called B and he immediately wanted to see pics of this "positive" test. Unfortunately, in the pictures it was so faint that you almost thought you were imagining it. I decided to take another brand around 9:30 and it was without a doubt positive so I took it and went to the Triangle to have lunch with B so that he could see.

On the way home, I purchased a pack of digital tests and waited for B to get home to take it. Two minutes after putting the cap on, it popped up the single most beautiful word in the world: PREGNANT. We couldn't deny it now.....we were pregnant.

Monday evening was pretty much spent on the phone telling our family and by 10 PM I was ready for bed. Tuesday morning dawned (after a very restless night of sleep) and I PIAC and dipped a non-digital test that I had also purchased Monday. Three minutes later....only one line, my heart fell through the floor. Refusing to admit defeat, I pulled out the extra digital and dipped it. Two minutes later....PREGNANT. I went back to the remaining non-digital and tested it.........no line. Two internet strips.....extremely faint lines. B said not to worry, to call the doctor, have the blood test, and relax. As soon as he left, I went to four different places (most stores are not open at 6:45 in the morning) and bought three different boxes. I went back to the house and dipped again. The non-digital one was super faint but the two digital test both said PREGNANT. I was scared and worried and had to wait until 8:20 for me to reach someone at the doctor's office.

The appointment was made for me to come in for the blood draw at 10 AM and I was home by 10:30 AM. At around 11:30 AM, Angela called with the results.....................I was officially pregnant. Levels are below:

HCG - 79
Progesterone - 29

I go back in on Thursday for a repeat blood test to measure the doubling time and will go in on April 22nd for the first u/s to look for a heartbeat (and find out how many I'm carrying). My due date is December 16, 2010.

This journal's focus will be shifting in the coming weeks from a summary of my life with infertility to a journal of my life as we make plans to welcome our little one at the end of the year. It has been a difficult journey...one I never thought we'd see the end of, but I'm so glad to be moving on to the next phase of my life with B and "Wilson".

I finally get a break!

2010-03-23T15:11:00.001-05:00

B and I had ANOTHER ultrasound today and were given the go ahead to do the trigger shot tonight. My E2 level was 454 which is much higher than it was on Sunday. We've got four dominant follicles which makes B nervous but I'm just excited to have that many targets for his "little men" to hit. It could only increase the probability of us getting pregnant right?

My last shot for the next few weeks is tonight and I couldn't be more excited. B has to be at the doctor's office at 7:30 on Thursday to do his thing and then I go in at 8:30 for the IUI. I've already taken that day off so that I can spend the day relaxing and sending positive vibes to the free floating eggs. Fingers crossed because I could be a mom before this week is out!

This is gonna be a long one.....

2010-03-21T19:58:00.002-05:00

Tonight, I went and looked at the last time I posted on this thing and I was surprised that I hadn't posted anything since the start of my very first cycle. Reading through my entry, it was obvious that I was excited and was determined and confident that this was going to be our answer. I wish I could flash back in time and visit myself that night to give me some advice that I would need to repeat to myself for many months after my last post.

What would my wonderful advice be??? It would be to tell myself that this was actually going to be a long, long marathon to even get a response and that there were going to be times after ultrasounds and bad news that I would want to do nothing but lay in bed and cry until I couldn't shed one more tear and it was ok to do so...in fact, I needed to do it. I would tell myself that over the next 5 and a half months, I would be learning so much about myself as a person and I would be tested a hundred times and face constant bad news and many, many hurdles to see if I was really committed to THIS journey. I would tell myself that I was about to experience something that would so fundamentally change who B and I were as a couple and despite all of the tears that would be shed.....nothing, and I mean nothing, would bring us closer together than this bumpy journey. I would tell myself that there would be so many days that I would feel all alone in this but there would always be someone that would reach out and give me the confidence and strength to keep going even when it seemed like the light at the end of the tunnel was getting dimmer and dimmer. My last piece of advice would be to never, ever, ever give up....even when the doctors and nurses were gathered in a circle whispering as you came out of the exam room....because the time WOULD come when everything would suddenly fall into place and the one thing that had always seem to be so far out of reach would somehow fall right into your lap.

It took us 5 and a half months, countless subcutaneous injections in the stomach, legs, and arms, many painful intramuscular shots in the leg, countless hours with my feet in stirrups while being prodded with a wand, many times being stuck and restuck just to draw a vial of blood, and many, many tears to finally hear the words that I never thought would be said....I have activity. This cycle started on 3/4/10 with injections beginning 3/5/10. On 3/16/10, I had an ultrasound that still showed no activity and the doctors were starting to talk about stopping. This was our last cycle. There was going to be no chance for us to even try to get pregnant. After begging to increase my dosage and insisting that I wanted to keep doing the shots in the backs of my arms, they agreed to up my doses to 20 units of Lupron (twice a day), 225 IUs of Menopur (once a day), and 225 IUs of Gonal-F (once a day). They didn't expect anything to happen because I was already on a "large" dose (compared to most women) so they were only giving me until 3/19/10 before doing another ultrasound and calling off the cycle. They didn't think this was going to work.

The morning of 3/19/10, I was apprehensive about the appointment because I really didn't know how I was going to handle the bad news that this journey was over. Going to the doctor was no longer fun and I usually was full of angst the day before the appointments and then spent most of the actual appointment day crying over my stupid, horrible ovaries. 3/19/10 turned out to be one of the best days of my entire life....I finally, finally, finally responded to the medication.

On 3/16 my uterine lining was 3.2 mm and most of the follicles were still in the pre stage that they seemed to stay in all the damn time. My estrogen level was 55. Things sucked......badly.

On 3/19 my uterine lining was 6.2 mm and I had three HUGE (for me) follicles with the biggest one measuring 15.6 mm. They didn't even check my estrogen because it was obviously higher. The doctor was speechless...totally surprised....I was sobbing happy tears and B was over the moon. In fact, the doctor was concerned that I was going to have to be dialed down some! Who knew that they'd ever have to consider LOWERING my dose!!!!

On 3/21 we went for another ultrasound and it was the first time since November that I was actually excited to go to the doctor. I continued to show improvement in this visit as well. My uterine lining was 8.8 mm, the biggest follicle measured 17.7 mm, and my estrogen level was 239.7. Holy crap batman! I'm so close to being at the right levels for the IUI so we go back on Tuesday for another scan and it looks like we're doing our very first IUI on Thursday or Friday. I never gave up. I may have lost hope for a while but I never gave up. Miracles can happen. And that would be the ultimate advice I would have given myself back in November.

I'm o.k. to go.....

2009-11-18T10:37:00.001-05:00

Listening to: Soul Meets Body by Death Cab For Cutie

I had my ultrasound this morning and I've been given the go ahead to start the medicine tonight! My next ultrasound is 11/25 at 9 AM and we'll be looking to see how the follicles are growing to determine how many more days of shots I need to do before the IUI. Needless to say, I am way excited and am totally expecting today to drag along.

On a completely different topic, I bought the ham and turkey for our Thanksgiving dinner next week. Looking at the list of food that will be made, you would think I was cooking for 20 people...but no, it's just 6. We've got company Friday to Sunday and then more company next Wednesday to Sunday. There are a lot of things that I need to get done around the house for next week's company but I'll be lucky if I can get most of the items marked off the list.

UPDATE: I took 2 Letrozole pills (5mg total) at 6 PM. No side effects so far but that might not mean anything.

Let's get this party started!

2009-11-17T15:33:00.002-05:00

Listening to: Arizona by Kings of Leon

We went to Charlotte this past weekend to spend time with our friends and their little girl. I spotted slightly most of the weekend but it was sporadic so I didn't think anything about it. Monday morning, the spotting was a little bit more frequent and I still had two more doses of Prometrium to take. I called my RE's office to speak to the nurse and she told me to just go ahead and stop taking them...evidently, some women start their periods while taking them so it was perfectly normal to be spotting. When I took progesterone before, I always ended up taking all the pills and then waiting for my period to start 3 to 5 days later and I was expecting the same thing with this medicine. Turns out I was wrong...but it's nice to be wrong because Prometrium made me feel really weird and tired so not taking it meant no side effects! So, I officially started my period last night and called my RE's office again to schedule my baseline ultrasound for tomorrow morning at 9 AM. Tomorrow's appointment is just to make sure that there are no cysts so it shouldn't be too big of a deal.

So, what does this mean? Yesterday was cd1 and tomorrow will be cd3 which means I start taking the Letrozole tomorrow night! I will be taking it cd3 to cd7 and then on cd7 I start doing the FSH injections and continue those to cd10. On cd10, I go in for the ultrasound to see what's going on and they tell me how many more days to continue the injections. Finally. We're finally getting somewhere. Excited doesn't even begin to accurately describe the emotion I'm feeling right now!

Waiting

2009-11-09T14:20:00.001-05:00

I gave up on waiting around for my period to start and began the Prometrium last night. Damn it. So, now I've got 10 days of pills to take and then I wait for my period. I feel like absolute crap. I guess waking up at 4 AM does that to a person!

Still listening to the New Moon soundtrack and I will admit that it's growing on me. These are the songs that I really enjoy:

Meet Me On The Equinox by Death Cab For Cutie
Possibility by Lykke Li
A White Demon Love Song by The Killers
I Belong to You by Muse
Done All Wrong by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
The Violet Hour by Sea Wolf
Shooting The Moon by Ok Go
No Sound But The Wind by Editors
New Moon by Alexandre Desplat

Less than 2 weeks until the premiere!

Merry Samhain!

2009-10-31T18:06:00.003-05:00

Listening to: Drive by R.E.M.

So, I had a moment of freaking out and ended up having my medicine shipped yesterday. It arrived this morning by Fed-Ex and for a moment, I felt like a child opening up the first Christmas present. Right now, it's sitting on the dining room table (except for the stuff in the refrigerator) and I get giddy every time I walk by it. Sick, I know.

B finally got home this morning after a nightmare trip home on Delta. You'd think he'd been gone forever by the way he's acting. It's great to have him home though....and hopefully I'll be able to sleep better now that he's in bed beside me.

To avoid indulging in Halloween candy, I didn't even buy any this year. Nope, we're not doing the whole trick-or-treat thing this year. Call us party poopers if you must but I'm not missing it.

Information Overload

2009-10-29T20:38:00.001-05:00

Listening to: I Belong To You by Muse

Wow. Today I had my injections class and it went smoothly. It's really not that much different than my allergy injections I used to give myself...except now they're in my stomach. We got this little packet of information with all the instructions and information about the IUI...and they faxed in my prescription and I've already set up the delivery date for my medication (November 6th). Now we just wait around for AF to start which "SHOULD" be next Friday. I'm only giving myself until Sunday and if nothing has happened....I'm going to start the Prometrium.

So, in case your interested, here is the complete medication list for the first cycle:

Ovidrel 250 ug pre-filled syringe
Gonal-f RFF 450
Antagon .25mg prefilled syringe
Progesterone suppositories 50mg (oh yes, suppositories for my whoo-whoo)
Letrozole 2.5mg

As for other non-baby related, I drug the dog on another 3 mile walk today. Poor little guy, he's walked 6 miles in two days...he's exhausted and gives me the evil eye if I mention going again tomorrow. When I turned off the lights downstairs to come up to the computer, he was laying in his downstairs nest and didn't look like he was going to be moving anytime soon.

B comes home late tomorrow night! We've only got to spend 18 hours alone together in the last two weeks so I'm excited to get some quality snuggle time. Unfortunately, he's got a lot going on with school and will probably be spending most of his weekend studying for his test and working on his project.

One last thing...yeah for the time change this weekend (one extra hour of sleep that night) but I'm sad that it'll be getting darked earlier. That will limit my walking on the trails to weekends which is kind of a bummer!

Now, I'm off to bed to see if I can actually fall asleep before 1 AM. This week I haven't had much luck and I feel tired but I've felt tired all week.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!

2009-10-27T08:19:00.003-05:00

Listening to: The Violet Hour by Sea Wolf

B and I had our follow-up with the doctor yesterday and there are three options she's recommending. The first option is a monitoring cycle of Letrozole and TIC with a cd21 blood draw to see if it worked. The second option is a straight cycle of Letrozole and an IUI. The third option was a sequential cycle of Letrozole and FSH injections with an IUI. Obviously, the options range from very conservative to fairly aggressive and the possibility of multiples really becomes a factor in the third option (20% chance).

It was a lot to think about but B is out of town for the week and we needed to make a decision soon since I'm already on cd18. The doctor doesn't think that I will respond well to the Letrozole alone since I didn't respond to Clomid and she feels that the third option gives us the most "bang for our buck". So....we're going for option three and are keeping our fingers crossed that we fall into the 80% chance of a single birth.

Now, I've got to call and schedule myself for an injections class and wait for AF to show up. Once she does, life is gonna get kinda busy for a while but then the two week wait will begin and I'll go mad. Sitting here now, looking at the protocol list...I'm excited and scared and hopeful that this works. The only negative side to this whole thing is that we're probably going to be missing out on Thanksgiving because of the IUI but it's a small price to pay if this works!

UPDATE: I've scheduled my injections class for Thursday at 1:30. Having given myself allergy shots for two years in the past, I don't think this is going to be too difficult. I just hate that I have to go by myself but it can't be helped.

All I Want

2009-10-25T19:56:00.000-05:00

Listening to: All I Want by Toad the Wet Sprocket

B made it home from his train vacation last night so we've spent most of the weekend just snuggling up and spending time with each other. Waiting at the airport gate, I watched all the small children when their mommies and daddies got off the plane. I couldn't help but feel like B was missing out by not having his own child there to be excited about his homecoming. With Halloween comes precious children in adorable costumes and another reminder of what we don't have. The hurt is a bitter pill to swallow sometimes but I'm going into this holiday season with more hope than I've had before. It may not be our child at the airport this time or our child going door to door begging for candy but the possibilities for next year are wide open.

Tomorrow is our follow-up appointment with Dr. C so we should have a clear outline of the schedule for the next month. Now, we just have to wait for cd1 to arrive!

Last Test Done

2009-10-20T14:48:00.001-05:00

Listening to: Strange Love by Goo Goo Dolls

This morning I had the ultrasound done to make sure there was nothing unusual going on "down there". Unlike the incident with the my appendix and it's unusual decision to grow up rather than down, everything is exactly where it should be. One tube is definitely open and they can't say for certain that both are open without subjecting me to IV contrast and a rash so I'm content with knowing at least I have one to work with.

All things considered, the testing went fine. I passed all my tests and B sorta passed his so now we've just got to convince my eggs to join the party and we'll actually have a real chance at getting pregnant.

The next appointment is on Monday and we'll be discussing the medication that we will be using in this first cycle. Timing wise, it looks like the first cycle will be mid-November so the possibility of us finally granting my mother's Christmas wish could actually come true this year.

The Infertility Marathon

2009-10-18T21:44:00.000-05:00

Listening to: Silence

We met with the RE as planned on the 13th. The meeting went better than I expected it to and for that I am so grateful. She wanted to check my AMH level, do an HSG, and have B's "gang" tested as part of our initial work-up. She also put me on 500mg of Glucophage which she thinks might help regulate my hormones. I spoke with the doctor on Friday who let me know my AMH level was fine and that she thought our best starting point would be the Femara. If I don't ovulate within the first cycle on the medication, we're going to move on to Femara and injections to try and beat my ovaries into submission.

We briefly talked about B's results. Most all of his numbers were fine but the numbers for motility were lower than normal and she said that it wouldn't be a bad idea to consider doing an IUI just to improve the chances of conceiving. It looks like our baby is going to end up being created in the least personal way possible...but it will still be created out of love so that's a good thing! My HSG is scheduled for Tuesday and I absolutely CAN'T wait to be subjected to that torture. A fun time will be had by all. On the positive side, she doesn't expect to see anything unusual so another positive mark in our column. We have a follow up appointment with her on 10/26 to go over protocols and then we just have to wait until I have another period to begin. She wants me to give it 30 days and if I haven't started, she'll call me in a round or progesterone to force the start. So, it's looking like it will be after 11/8 before we can start the first cycle....but it will be here before you know it.

I'm trying to keep a level head about all of this but I'm finding it difficult to not be excited beyond belief. All my free time is spent thinking about what will happen when we finally get pregnant and for the first time, I feel hopeful. I am just praying that this works out for us and that I won't be faced with even further disappointment. For now, I'm focusing on losing weight, looking at baby furniture, and imagining how I want to decorate the nursery. I can't wait for it to become a reality!

Is This Week Already Ruined?

2009-10-12T12:23:00.002-05:00

Listening to: Possibility by Lykke Li

If I could go back to bed and start this day over, I would. Have you ever had one of those days that you just were pissed off and there wasn't any one thing or person that put you in that mood? Today is that way for me.

In reality, I should be feeling happy and excited for tomorrow but I'm beginning to feel like this is just a foreshadowing of the mood I'm going to be in tomorrow evening. Actually, the pissed off feeling started on Saturday when I started my period. My last period was 8/20.....and wouldn't you know that my period would show up right before my appointment. I'm not sure what this means but I'm afraid this is going to push us further out and delay starting our first cycle again. Maybe it's my body's way of telling me to not go to the doctor! In any case, I'm still going tomorrow. But I'm already feeling annoyed about the whole appointment.

I got a sneak preview of the New Moon soundtrack (which is officially released 10/20). I find it lacking and I'm really disappointed in the overall sound. On the Twilight soundtrack, there were several catchy tunes right from the get go. Not so much on this one. Of the 15 songs on the track list, only three capture my attention, four kinda grows on me, one appeals to the classical side of me, three make me wonder WTF, and the rest I don't even remember. I'm hoping that if I take the time and listen to each track, I'll see the value of each. Here is the track list, with my initial thoughts:

Meet Me On The Equinox by Death Cab For Cutie - Kinda reminded me of Spotlight by Mutemath off the Twilight soundtrack. It's catchy and probably one of my favorites off the whole album.
Friends by Band of Skulls - Eh...jury is still out on this one. Sort of sounds like the lead singer of BTE. I doubt it'll be one that I just HAVE to hear over and over.
Hearing Damage by Thom Yorke - Hate it. I feel like I'm in a bad 80s music video.
Possibility by Lykke Li - Surprisingly good if you can get past the fact that she sounds like MIA.
A White Demon Love Song by The Killers - Usually one of my favorite bands but I really wasn't feeling this song. Maybe I need to hear it a couple of times for it to grow on me.
Satellite Heart by Anya Marina - If Colbie Caillat and Jewel had a baby, it would be this singer. It's definitely not memorable.
I Belong To You (New Moon Remix) by Muse - When I first heard the original version of this song on Muse's latest album, I hated it. I told B that in order for me to like it on the New Moon soundtrack, it would have to be a completely different song. That was a while ago. Having heard the remix, I appreciate the original version so much more. Another one of my ultimate favorite bands but they should have stuck with the original version...the remix is lacking.
Roslyn by Bon Iver and St. Vincent - A song that I'll forget about as soon as I go to the next one. I get the symbolism though...
Done All Wrong by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Love it. It sounds so much like an Edward song. Full of angst and pain which is typical of the whole Bella/Edward relationship.
Monsters by Hurricane Bells - I find myself wanting to fine tune the station because it sounds like horrible reception. For some reason, I imagine Barney singing this. Ugh, moving on.
The Violet Hour by Sea Wolf - Has potential to become a favorite. It's such a Jacob song and it really makes me feel for the poor guy.
Shooting The Moon by Ok Go - Another band that I really enjoy but it took a couple of listens to really get into this one. Probably the second strongest song on the album (next to Meet Me On The Equinox).
Slow Life by Grizzly Bear - The simplicity of this one is what first draws me in. Not a favorite but it doesn't make my ears bleed either.
No Sound But The Wind by Editors - This one made me question their sanity. Really? Were you just trying to fill up the album and this was the bottom of the barrel? I keep expecting it to break into the Big Love opener. The lyrics are deep but the music just ruins it.
New Moon (The Meadow) by Alexandre Desplat - Strictly appeals to my classical love. It would have been better if they could have continued with Bella's Lullaby from the first movie because this one doesn't really sound similar and that song was a constant throughout the books.

Obviously the soundtrack is a mixed bag of songs/crap. Overall, I'm disappointed because I expected so much better and have been counting down the days till the release date. So poor soundtrack + crappy ovaries + annoyance with male population + being a monday = really bad day.

Weekly Wrap-Up

2009-10-09T10:54:00.002-05:00

Listening to: Take A Picture by Filter

So another week has come to an end and we're quickly moving through October. B will be leaving next weekend for a vacation trip with his family so I'll be living it up as a single woman the week of the 17th through the 24th. When I say living it up I mean watching chick flicks, reading, crocheting, and snuggling with the dog....yep, that's living it up for me! I'm a little sad that B isn't going to be here for the Blue October concert in Charlotte on the 23rd because I would LOVE to see them perform again.

Looking at the weekends for the remainder of 2009, I can already see that the coming months are going to be full of stress. October's weekends are pretty much booked. With B flying out and back in on Saturdays, it pretty much shoots two weekends in the foot. We might be going to Charlotte for Halloween weekend so that takes up the last weekend. November has B's family coming down the weekend before Thanksgiving and us going to Abingdon Thanksgiving weekend. One weekend we've devoted to celebrating my birthday which only leaves us with one open weekend in November. I was hoping we could go home sometime before Thanksgiving but it's looking doubtful. There is always the possibility that we could go home two weekends in November but I doubt I'll be able to convince B to do it.

I still waiting for my GRE scores to be sent to ECU. Hopefully, I'll be getting good news on that front and can start figuring out what classes to take. Personally, I'm excited at the prospect of going back to school and having homework, projects, and tests to work on.

On the "Project Baby Making" front, we've only got a few more days until the appointment. I'm going to get a notebook this weekend and start jotting down questions that I want to ask. I'm also planning to call a friend of mine who worked in an OB/GYN office and get her advice on questions to ask. Last night we had a discussion about who we would want to raise our child/children should something happen to us and we both agree that there is no clear-cut solution. Although we love our parents and think they are going to be great grandparents, we're reluctant to ask them to be guardians because they've reached a point in their lives where they've raised their own kids and shouldn't be starting over with new ones.

B has a brother and a sister, and I have a brother. B's brother isn't really into having major responsibilities and I wouldn't want to burden him with one. B's sister is a good candidate because she's financially stable, young, and in a solid relationship. But, she's more than likely not going to be living anywhere close to my parents and it is extremely important that my parents be involved after we're gone (they don't have the same financial freedom to see their grandchild whenever). My brother is a good candidate as well. He's young, he would have a bigger support system to help him, and his views on raising children are similar to our own. I know that he wants children someday and I know that he would make an excellent father. The downside is that he's not yet financially stable and he is single. Now I know that the financially stable part shouldn't be that big of a deal because our entire estate would go to our child so there wouldn't be too much of a burden on whoever ends up as guardian. I just struggle with the fact that he's single and I worry about the type of women he could bring into our child's life. He would essentially go from an eligible man with no baggage to an eligible man with baggage and I would hate to do that to him. We even talked about asking our close friends but I'm afraid of what kind of message that would be sending to our families. In any case, it's a big decision that would need to be made but we've got plenty of time to talk about it.

B will be studying most of the weekend but we have a date tomorrow night. Otherwise, I'll be spending my weekend working on my crochet project. The weather is gonna be sucky this weekend so it's a perfect time to stay inside and just relax before the madness starts!

Various and Sundry Things

2009-10-07T18:18:00.005-05:00

I did an overhaul on the blog tonight. The hot pink color scheme that I had been rocking for three years just about made me want to claw my eyes out. I think this new look is nice though and I love how easy it is to customize the layout. All in all, I think it's a classier look...neat and sophisticated...something that I wouldn't mind other people seeing.

I'm honestly getting really excited to go to the doctor next Tuesday. Part of me almost wishes that they could have seen me sooner....yeah, funny....I know. I don't know what it is though that has got me chomping at the bit for Tuesday. Part of my eagerness is caused from the time I'm spending on the treadmill in the morning. I'm still trying to find that "perfect" time to exercise and I'm having to think of babies to really stay motivated. During this "me-time", I'm also trying to think of questions that I want to ask the doctor when we see her. Luckily, we live in an area where some of the best infertility specialist work. The doctor we're seeing has actually been rated as one of the Nation's Best Doctors for the last two years. It makes me feel good to be seeing someone of her caliber because I want someone who is as dedicated to this as we are.

Last night, I did something that I haven't done for a while. I pulled out the pregnancy books that I've collected since we started down this road. It was kind of cool to be looking at them and not feel like I'm going to burst into tears. There was a lot of information about the different infertility therapies and I read through some to see what options we would consider. One thing we talked about last night was the risk of multiples. B really would prefer that we only have one child and I am fine with that too. But, some of these medications increase our chances of having multiples to 25% with the highest probability of the multiples being twins. It's important that we're both on the same page on this and when B heard 25%....he got a little nervous. I quickly pointed out though that there was a 75% chance we'd only have one.

We've agreed that having twins wouldn't be a horrible thing. We'd get two out of the deal and would have an instant family. The point where we differ is what if there were three or more. Knowing that a multiples birth means that I would be considered "high risk", I'm not willing to increase the risk by having three babies versus two. Three babies!!! Holy crap! Personally, I feel like it would be in our best interest (health wise) to selectively reduce down to twins. B doesn't feel like he would be ok with that decision. It's probably not even something we'd have to even consider but it's still something that we needed to talk about. So we continue to wait for Tuesday.

I did it!

2009-10-06T20:30:00.003-05:00

For the past several months, I've been making excuses as to why I couldn't go ahead and make the appointment with my gyno to discuss next steps for dealing with infertility. Although I have a multitude of reasons for not calling, only one is really valid and I can only lean on that excuse for so long before people start to tell me to shut up. Personally, I still think I could have pulled the card out a few more times but what would the final cost end up being?

This past weekend, B made a comment along the lines of the fact that we're already nine months into 2009 and that we could have gotten pregnant and been ready to deliver in that time. At first, I laughed it off but it got me thinking. What have I gained by waiting until now to make the appointment? It's not like much has changed since January (or even May). It's been two years since I last saw my gyno which also happens to be the first time I've ever not been religious about getting the under-carriage checkup. After having a very dear friend die from ovarian cancer (diagnosed too late because she hadn't gone to the doctor in four years), I started to worry that I was putting my own life in danger.

All of a sudden, the excuse I had been holding on to all year suddenly seemed so insignificant when compared to the big picture. I had run out of excuses. Monday morning, I made the appointment. The earliest I could get in with my "mechanic" was 11/3 (Happy Election Day to me!) and part of me was relieved that it was so far out because I was still squeezing the life out of my excuse card. I felt good for finally making the appointment and I was fine with it being next month...life was back in alignment.

Today, I was walking on the treadmill and was starting to have that conversation with myself where I rationalize that it's ok to get off the treadmill early because I'm really not feeling that great anyway, and that slight twinge in my hip really shouldn't be exacerbated because it could really lead to a major injury. Knowing that I had to focus myself or I was going to wimp out, I began to think about the one thing that seems to get me motivated....decorating the nursery of my futuristic baby. So, here I was....Muse blaring from the speakers, my thoughts were on wall colors and themes, and part of my brain was thinking that I needed to replace that song on the walking playlist with something more peppy because I felt like I should be cooling down but I still had 20 minutes. If I waited until November to see the mechanic, I wouldn't be able to get into the RE until mid to late November at the earliest which meant we probably wouldn't actually be able to start a cycle until December. On the other hand, who wants to start a cycle so close to Christmas when you're traveling and sleeping in your old bedroom at your mom and dad's house? Seriously, the idea of "BD" anywhere close to family just makes me cringe...besides, people know we're gonna be trying again. If we were to even be out of the room at the same time, everyone is gonna be thinking that we're sneaking off to a closet and that is just weird.

Do you see how my brain works? So, the first cycle couldn't actually start until January. I really don't want to be seven, eight, or nine months pregnant throughout the whole summer so getting pregnant in January isn't ideal (now I'm just being picky). If I'm going to miss the whole summer misery, I probably shouldn't get pregnant until March (this is me being selfish...oh look, only 10 more minutes to go). This is stupid.....waiting until the 11/3 appointment to make the RE appointment is stupid....I'm going to call the RE today and go ahead and get on their books because they probably won't be able to see me until November anyway.

Fifteen minutes later (I gave myself time to cool down), I called to make the appointment. I almost dropped the phone when they said they could see me next Tuesday...my excuse card just disintegrated. Needless to say, it totally caught B off-guard because he was just thrilled I made the 11/3 appointment and to finally get to see an RE just might have made his whole freaking quarter! Yea me! So, tonight, I've spent lots of time on the internet just trying to get familiar with all the options so that I can go into next week's appointment with a general idea of what path I want to take. Are there specific questions that I should be asking? Any help is GREATLY appreciated.

26 Days Later

2009-06-17T11:42:00.002-05:00

I've been really trying to work hard at this whole "healthy eating" way of life. Since starting this process, I've actually only been on the wagon for 26 days (traveling really got in the way). So far I've lost 13.4 pounds....yep, 13.4! I'm still kind of in shock that I've lost that much so soon but I will tell you, it keeps me motivated to stick with it.

Yesterday was really hard though. My body is going through this hormonal issue right now and I have started my period (22 days after the last one started, mind you!). I don't know what it was about yesterday but I was STARVING all day long! I really tried to stick to my diet, and I did fine with breakfast and lunch but I knew I couldn't stick to it for dinner. Yesterday was also the first day in over a week that I haven't done my hour on the treadmill. I just had no energy!

So, last night...I fell off the wagon and went to Cook-Out and had a hamburger, onion rings, and a sweet tea. On our way home, I also ate a Kit-Kat bar....remember, I'm hormonal!!!!! I didn't beat myself up about it though. Today is a different day and I really haven't had the hunger issue today like I did yesterday. In fact, I'll probably be on the treadmill in a couple of hours.

I like this new me and I love that my clothes are getting looser. Do I think my improved diet and exercise program may be playing a part in my hormone issues? Sure, anything is possible at this point! I feel good and actually look forward to getting on the scales in the morning! All in all, not a bad start!

Off the diet topic

2009-06-03T11:15:00.003-05:00

This past weekend, B and I had the opportunity to travel with my mom, brother, and grandmother to Washington, DC to visit some family. I had seen Aunt Ruth, Gary and Liz at my grandfather's funeral (almost a year ago) but hadn't seen Diana and Alexandra since I was 15. It was so nice to be around family that we hadn't spent a lot of time with. It was also good to be around Aunt Ruth since she is the last sibling of my grandfather's that is still alive. To hear the stories and see the pictures of a generation ago...it was so thrilling to have new visions of my grandfather to think about when I feel sad.

My Aunt Ruth is a dear, sweet lady. She is always so thoughtful and always so vocal about how great it is for us to visit. She is definitely a very special lady and I have always been closer to her above all of my grandfather's other siblings. I know that she has had a really hard year, having to experience the death of her brother, sister, and brother-in-law within the span of four months. It has been an eye opening experience for her since this was the first time in her long life that she feels old.

To see her in action, you would never believe that she is 87 years old. In fact, she's got more get-up-and-go than most 50 year olds. If I am even half as mobile and rowdy at her age when I'm 87, I will be eternally happy. She mentioned to me, while giving me a tour of her active adult community, that having us come to visit filled a void that she had felt since my grandfather passed away. Those words stuck me more deeply than she could have ever imagined.

It hadn't occurred to me that Aunt Ruth saw us as the last link she had of my grandfather and being with us helped her feel more at peace with his death. She has a loving family of her own, but she also needs to feel and be reassured of our love for her too. She also mentioned that our visit had helped relieve a lot of guilt that she had but before I could ask what guilt, her eyes started to shimmer and I knew it was better to not push further and cause her to feel even more sadness. Maybe she felt guilty for continuing to live when all of her siblings are gone. Maybe she felt guilty because she didn't get to spend time with him right before he passed away. Maybe it was even guilt for not being more involved in our lives. I don't know if I will ever find the reason for her guilt.

If granddad were here, he would tell her to not feel guilty for living because it just wasn't her time to go. He'd tell her that the end would be here soon enough so she needed to make each day count and be comforted in the knowledge that when it was all said and done...her siblings, parents, and loved ones would be there for her again. He would tell her that even though she wasn't there at the end, he knew she loved him and that their last weekend together was full of his favorite memories and the sound of laughter. He would tell her that even though we are a family that is cast to all parts of the country, we are still a family and no amount of distance could break that bond. We may not see each other as often as we like but we're never far from our thoughts.

He would also appreciate the quote from Julie Burchill that I have on my Facebook:
"Tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile."

He would say that he had lived his life completely and was ready to go. How can I possibly disagree with him? Realizing that grief is really for the living, I can't cry for what we've lost because I know that he's happy and I am happy for him. My only hope is that spending time with Aunt Ruth this weekend allowed her to heal and let go of any guilt that she might have felt because life is too short and too precious to go around feeling guilty.

Diet Day 7

2009-05-27T20:59:00.002-05:00

So what happened to day 6? Well, I ate really well for breakfast and lunch. I walked 2.5 miles. I consumed my 64 ounces of water. The reason I didn't document it was because we had sushi for dinner and I'm not even sure how many calories I had but I'm positive that I was within my ranges. Of course, weigh-in this morning showed a 3.6 pound gain but I am attributing that to water retention because I would have to eat more than 10,000 calories to gain 3.6 pounds overnight. In case you're interested, here is my data for day 6 (not including dinner)goal/actual:

Calories: 1600/671
Carbs (g): 240/120
Protein (g): 80/33
Fat (g): 36/13
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/19
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 2/2.5

Weight loss as of this morning (total): 5.4 pounds

Here is the breakdown for day 7 (goal/actual):
Calories: 1600/1457
Carbs (g): 240/242.1
Protein (g): 80/67
Fat (g): 36/28.2
Dietary Fiber (g): 25/27.5
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 2/2.5

Weight loss as of this morning (total): 1.8 pounds

Tomorrow night, we're having sushi again for dinner so I will post my breakfast and lunch totals only. We're also going to be having birthday cake after dinner and I'm not going to deny myself but will try to only limit myself to a small piece (no promises!).

Day 5...and then I'm going to relax my eating

2009-05-22T12:04:00.002-05:00

Even with eating out tonight, I'm still going to be sticking to my targets.

Here is the breakdown for day 5 (goal/actual):
Calories: 1600/1452
Carbs (g): 240/217
Protein (g): 80/79
Fat (g): 36/32.5
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/29
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 0/0 - Got too much other stuff to do today!

Weight loss as of this morning: 5.2 pounds

Mom is really concerned about what to fix while I'm home but I keep telling her to just relax and fix what she would normally make. Of course, I did veto the homemade cinnamon rolls because if I can't eat them...no one else can either.

For the next few days, I won't have my scale or my tracker so I'm not going to have anything to post. We will be getting back Monday night so I will officially start back on the "lifestyle change" on Tuesday. On the other hand, I'm not going to go hog wild and pig crazy this weekend either so Tuesday's weigh-in should be interesting.

It was a breeze I tell ya!

2009-05-21T20:46:00.004-05:00

Day 4 was way easier than day 3. I didn't have any cravings the whole day and really didn't feel hungry all day. I had to force myself to eat a bowl of Fiber One cereal at about 9pm in order to get my calories and dietary fiber up. I really don't want to consume any less than 1200 calories and one bowl of cereal is 200 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, and 13 grams of dietary fiber so getting the 30 grams of dietary fiber is much easier!

Here is the breakdown for day 4 (goal/actual):
Calories: 1600/1391
Carbs (g): 240/210
Protein (g): 80/96.5
Fat (g): 36/26
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/34
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 1.2/2.45

Weight loss as of this morning: 4.4 pounds

Tomorrow we're heading home but I have my dinner already planned out so I feel prepared. I'm also taking a box of my cereal to eat for breakfast and lunch so I can be more liberal at dinner. Unfortunately, I won't have my tracker or scale with me so I will have to pick back up on that when I return.

Today I won my first battle

2009-05-20T19:28:00.004-05:00

Today has been yet another stressful day at work and by 5:30 my stomach was screaming to eat. Sitting at my desk all day, I couldn't help but notice a cup from my last trip to Cook-Out last week and it seems that the cup had learned the art of torture. By the end of the day, all I could think about is "I WANT A BURGER, CAJUN FRIES, AND A SWEET TEA FROM COOK-OUT".

Of course, it was even more tempting because B was working late tonight so I had to fend for dinner on my own. In an effort to dissuade myself, I called my mom so that I could listen to her coaching me to stick with my healthy eating. Turns out, my mom wasn't really into coaching today. After I explained my great predicament and exclaimed that cup was practically begging me to drive to Cook-Out and that I was thisclose to giving in to my temptation...my mom tells me "Well.....I've gotta go cook dinner so I'll talk to you later". Huh?!

Your child just called to tell you that THE most powerful drug she could ever desire (fatty, calorie laden foods) is trying to bust down the door of her healthy eating temple and you have to go cook dinner? Gee thanks....when I gain 5 pounds of water weight from the fry seasoning, I know where to point the finger!

So, for the next hour I argued with myself...eat healthy....go to Cook-Out....eat healthy....one meal off the wagon won't kill you....eat healthy. Finally, I forced myself to drive to Wendy's and get a Grilled Chicken Sandwich. Believe me, it was touch and go all the way to the drive-thru menu because I really thought the car was going to overpower me and drive my ass to Fuquay-Varina and force (not really) fries and a hamburger down my throat.

The point of all of this is that I didn't give in to willpower. I know that Friday night, I probably won't be eating healthy because we'll be driving back to Abingdon and I don't want the eventual guilt of eating "poorly" two nights out of five. Besides, eating back home is so much harder than eating at home and I'm sure it will be even harder to eat healthier there. I feel like I've accomplished something by being stronger than the pull of the craving. I feel empowered! Oh, and that cup....I made B remove it when he got home! Try talking me into giving in now!

Here is the breakdown for day 3 (goal/actual):
Calories: 1600/1476
Carbs (g): 240/138
Protein (g): 80/49.5
Fat (g): 36/25
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/33
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/8
Walked (miles): 1.2/0**

Weight loss as of this morning: Still holding at 2.6 lbs

**I will be making this up on Friday.

Day 2 of the diet

2009-05-19T20:59:00.004-05:00

I managed to stick with it even with some extra work stress....but it was a real battle not to grab the most fattening food I could find in the pantry. Here is the breakdown for today (goal/actual):

Calories: 1600/1244
Carbs (g): 240/170.5
Protein (g): 80/82
Fat (g): 36/35
Dietary Fiber (g): 30/23.5
Water (8 oz glasses): 8/6
Walked (miles): 1/2.6

Weight loss as of this morning: 2.6 lbs

Falling off the wagon

2009-05-19T08:43:00.003-05:00

My name is LeeAnne and I am an emotional eater. If I'm stressed, I eat. If I'm happy, I eat. If I'm sad, I eat. It is a horrible cycle that I have yet to find a way to stop. I realize the need to improve my diet and exercise more....but losing weight has been exceptionally hard. I like convenience and I like quick and neither of these things really describe healthy eating and exercise. I also like immediate results which is probably why I have spent more time off the wagon instead of on it. I get really motivated at the beginning but the results take FOREVER so I lose what motivation I had...and then I feel bad about myself so I eat!

I'm also the kind of girl that can think of her favorite foods and instantly be overtaken by a craving that leaves me crumpled in a heap begging to get the images out of my head. Unfortunately, the only way to get rid of the craving is to give in....so I eat. Guilt then ensues and that only drives me to eat MORE...and the 6 Thin Mints have now turned into a whole sleeve of Thin Mints (damn you Girl Scouts and your little satan cookies!).

I began a new experiment yesterday to see if I have better results. My new "diet" consists of this (note: this is an experiment for a major Type A control freak):

1. I now keep a food journal (in Excel) of everything I eat during the day. I track how much I eat and the nutritional information for that item (calories, fat, protein, carbs, and dietary fiber).
2. My daily caloric intake will not exceed 1600 but I will not flog myself mercilessly in the town square if I sometimes find myself going over that target.
3. My carbs/protein/fat breakdown will stick as close to 60%/20%/20% as possible.
4. I will eat 3 meals a day PLUS 2 snacks...and no eating after 8 PM.
5. I will drink as close to 8 glasses of water a day as possible.
6. Before going out to eat, I will check nutritional information of the restaurant before leaving the house so that I have a plan and will focus on that plan so as not to be dissuaded by other "non-healthy but oh-so-tasting" items on the menu.
7. Every other day, I will walk 2 miles on my treadmill and if my fat inner self tries to talk me out of it, I WILL fight back and piss myself off enough to lug my fat butt onto the treadmill just to prove that I can do it.
8. I will walk a mile outside every day just to change up the scenery and get out in the fresh air.
9. If I find myself cowering in a corner because of a craving, I will picture myself pregnant and decorating the nursery to try and keep my focus.
10. If I give in to the craving, I will not beat myself up but will brush myself off and pick up where I left off.
11. I WILL TRY NOT TO GET DISCOURAGED when the weight seems to take longer to get off then it does to put on. To focus on the small victories, I will weigh myself every morning and record my weight in a nice, pretty graph.
12. I will set shorter goals (i.e., drop 6 pounds in 2 weeks as opposed to losing 30 pounds in 3 months) to keep my drive up and the finish lines in sight.

So there is my 12 step plan. I can do this and I WILL do this.

Yesterday wasn't so bad (and I even had Wendy's for dinner!). Here is what the final totals were for the day (target/actual):

Calories: 1600/1572
Carbs: 240/251
Fat: 36/26
Protein: 80/80.5
Dietary Fiber: 30/30
Water Intake: 8/7
Exercise: 3 miles/3.2 miles

Day 2 is a little harder because I've cut out caffine and am more hungry today for some reason but I'm holding onto my spreadsheet as hard as I can.

Latest Happenings....

2009-01-29T11:29:00.003-05:00

It has been a few weeks since I've had time to actually sit down and focus some time on my poor, neglected blog. Since my last posting, I went to a baby shower for our dear friends whose pregnancy has been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster for myself and my own issues with infertility. It was the first time I have seen her since before she got pregnant and it was the first time I had spoken to her since they announced their news (aside from a letter explaining why I was being so distant). I thought I was prepared and I thought it wouldn't be too painful but I was wrong on both accounts. I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming emotions of seeing her and wishing that I was pregnant. I wasn't prepared to feel so hurt because the struggle for us has been so difficult but yet so easy for everyone else. I tried to put on a happy face and pretend that everything was fine but even she noticed how quiet I was. Luckily, I had my mom there and she was quick to suggest that we go home when she saw that my armor was starting to crack. The whole experience reminded me of a piece of flair that I have on my Facebook that says:

"I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like it's all a dream, and pretend it's not hurting me."

B is wanting to go see them in February one last time before the baby arrives and everything changes. As of right now, I've committed to going but I'm not going to force myself if I'm going to spend the whole weekend upset. It's not fair to them and it wouldn't be fair to me. Enough about that stuff now!

Recent announcements were made at work that put my job and its stability into question. I wallowed in pity and worry for about 5 days but I've smacked myself in the face and told myself to get over it. At this point, we still don't know anything but I've decided that I'm not going to worry about it. If I get laid off, I get laid off and no amount of worrying is going to change it. On the other hand, if I don't get laid off...I will not have wasted time worrying about something that didn't happen. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic...maybe I'm in denial....but either way, I feel like I'm in a better mental state than I was on January 14th.

The family drama has died down some. The family has split itself up into two camps...us and them. Some of us aren't even interested in ever talking to some of them ever again while some of us try to bridge the gap with those in the them group. I've resigned myself to the fact that our family is never going to be the way it used to be but my life goes on. I've got my own family and don't feel like I'm missing out by closing others out of my life. I find it easier and less stressful to just shut doors permanently rather than keeping them partially open and letting myself be repeatedly hurt by the actions of others. Walls are easier to be built while you are strong rather than waiting until you are too weak. By the same token, walls are easier to be torn down when you are strong too...not that I think that these walls will ever come down again. I'm not opposed to the family working it out and becoming the one cohesive group we used to be but it's going to take a lot of work and positive actions from them before I'm even willing to acknowledge them. Maybe I'm being pigheaded and difficult but I value my mental sanity and I despise tumultuous relationships with members of my own family so I'm just stopping it now. My friend David is probably rolling his eyes though because it's just one more wall I've got now and oh how he hates those damn walls!

February is going to be a crazy month...the weekends are already getting full. Spring is around the corner and I can't wait! That's all I've got in me for now!

I should explain...read at your own risk.

2009-01-06T19:42:00.004-05:00

On Monday, I put a new countdown clock on my sidebar with a very vague explanation about what would happen in 83 days. Today, I'm going to "reveal" what the countdown actually means.

B and I decided that we were ready to have a baby on December 26, 2006 (yes, I remember the exact date). I had been on birth control pills ever since I was 18 in order to regulate my cycles and knew that coming off the birth control would create all kinds of problems for my body. At my last appointment with my doctor in April of that year, I had mentioned that B and I were tossing around the idea of a baby but that I was concerned about my ability to ovulate. She told me that when we were ready, to start monitoring my cycles and if I wasn't in a normal pattern within 6 months to come back in. I had actually stopped taking birth control pills in October 2006 because I knew I was going to have problems and I figured that if I stopped taking them at that time, it would just give my body more time to adjust. The problem was...I wasn't.

We went to see the doctor in February and I took in my BBT charts. She looked over them and concluded that I wasn't ovulating...duh, I had 2 periods in 6 months! She sent me for the usual work-up and told me that all was not lost. I went home with two prescriptions that day, one for Clomid and one for Progesterone. Once my blood work all came back normal, she told me to take the Progesterone for 10 days and wait for my period. Once it started, I was to take the Clomid from cd5 to cd9 and we started out at the 50mg dose. I was instructed to come back in on cd21 for a blood test to determine if I had ovulated. I was convinced this was going to help so I was methodical in taking my temperature every day, recording it, taking my medicine at the exact same time every day, and wondering if every twitch and pain was a sign that it was working. On cd 21 I went in for my blood test, and the very next day they called with the results. I will never forget that conversation!

"Hello."

"Hi, is LeeAnne there? This is Dr. Gausmann."

"Hi Dr. Gausmann. This is LeeAnne, how are you?"

"I'm good. Listen, we got your blood work back. I'm afraid you didn't ovulate."

"Ok........well.....crap. What was my level, just out of curiosity?"

"It was less than point two."

"Less than point two?! Really? It didn't even register?"

"Don't give up yet. It was such a low dose, I didn't think the first time around would work. Let's try 100mg this month on the same cycle days...."

The rest of the conversation was a blur because I was still focusing on the "LESS THAN .2" thing. So next month, same thing (still less than .2). The month after that we did 150mg and I wasn't surprised when I still didn't register. I was kind of numb at this point and felt like a failure as a woman. The month after that we decided to try 150mg for 7 days rather than 5 and when they called with those results, I just didn't give a damn anymore.

At that point, I was becoming obsessive about the whole thing and decided to just take a break. My doctor wanted to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist and said we could give injections a try. Of course, this scared the crap out of B because the chance of multiples goes up and he wasn't really looking to have twins. So we just let nature take its course until I was ready. Flash forward a year...nothing changed with my body. I wasn't having periods...but would occasionally have bleeding that would last for a day to sometimes as long as twenty days. I was so pissed at my body by this point that I was ready to become the old lady with 50 cats.

July 2008 was when my life got turned upside down. My family hit a rough patch and I was under a lot of pressure. Suddenly I started having "periods" every month...they were irregular and varied in length. I was suddenly optimistic because I felt like my hormones were starting to regulate. We had decided to go back to the doctor in the Fall to try Clomid again and I was ready to handle the emotional roller coaster. Right after we made that decision, our closest friends announced they were pregnant after trying the first month and I was sent reeling. I was so mad with the universe and the hand that B and I had been dealt and I was so hurt and sad that I wasn't in any mood to go see the doctor. It took months for me to even be able to face my dear sweet friend and even then I could only talk to her through texts and a really long letter I sent her to explain my poor behavior. Luckily, she understood and was giving me all the time I needed to get through it. I still haven't been able to see her in person but I am going to her shower this weekend so I'd better prepare myself.

Around my birthday, B started asking when we were going to go back to the doctor and I got so nervous thinking about it. We finally compromised on January....but as January approached I started getting anxious and told him I wasn't ready. So we've made another compromise to make the appointment on March 31st which is what the ticker represents. I have 83 days to lose 25 pounds and get myself ready to give this whole thing another shot. If it doesn't work this time around....I think we're going to try the injections but I'm holding out hope that it won't come to that.

2009 is going to be my year!

2009-01-05T10:00:00.001-05:00

Notice the ticker on the right?!

Oh...and New Moon comes out 11/20.

It's THAT time of the year!

2008-12-18T12:31:00.004-05:00

I really think that Christmas has become too commercialized over the past few years and it is that commercialization that causes me unnecessary stress. Not only do I obsess over the perfect gifts to give my family but I also have to worry about coming up with ideas for them to give to me. So, it's really two Christmas shopping lists I come up with...everyone else's and my own.

Of course, coming up with my wish list is always harder because I don't like to think about it and end up procrastinating until the last possible minute. Not only does this stress out the people who have no idea what to give me but it usually involves me naming off little stuff that I don't really want or need. I am very fortunate to live my life because there are very few things that I want that I don't just go out and get for myself. Of course there are some things that I want that I don't have but those items are WAY too expensive for anyone (but B) to get me as a gift. In reality, B is so practical and would never indulge me by buying those things but I have a 10 year plan that will allow me to collect these items over time so I don't worry about not having them now.

This year it is important that I think about all the things that I have been grateful for in 2008. It has been an emotionally trying time for me and my family and I think I need to remind myself of all the good things that has happened.

1. My husband, mom, dad, and brother for getting me through this year with my sanity even when they had their own hurt, grief, and anger to get through.
2. My grandmother for proving to me that the world did not cease to exist when it felt like it would.
3. My grandfather for still thinking of others when he was dying himself. I miss you more than anyone else realizes!
4. My extended family for being there with us when we needed them. For comforting my loved ones while I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to do the same for them.
5. My co-workers and boss for giving me the time and freedom to spend those last few weeks in July with my grandfather and grandmother. Thank you for letting me physically be where my thoughts and heart already were.
6. The company I work for which provided me the technology and flexibility to really work anytime from anyplace. Having that freedom made it easier for me to take care of my family.
7. My friends for being there and thinking of me and showing me that I had people outside of my family who loved me. I've never been one to have many friends but the ones I do have are fiercely loyal and I would go through hell and back from them.
8. My Fez for somehow understanding who needed the most attention in the days that followed my grandfather's death. It was amazing to me to see the way he provided silent strength to my grandmother when we brought her home from the hospice house that morning. He never left her side. I had never seen him be like that with anyone else but he knew she needed something and he was willing to be that something. He spent days going from one person to the next...just being there...and that just reinforces that I will never have another dog like him.
9. The ability to laugh and reminisce about the good times without feeling overwhelmed with sorrow. Keeping the memories alive keeps the spirit alive.
10. My home. Having a place to retreat to when I felt like I was going to break, a place to start new family traditions when old ones seemed just to hard to face. A quiet place to be...the home I always wanted to have with B.

I have so many things to be grateful about and I look forward to 2009 and all the surprises that wait for me there. Merry Christmas!

Tired of all the drama

2008-10-21T07:43:00.004-05:00

It's only Tuesday but I already feel like this has been the longest week ever. The family drama is really starting to wear on my nerves and I can't help but feel like it is going to get worse before it gets better.

What makes me so mad is that none of this would be happening if my grandfather was still around. This all started the day we buried him (July 27th) and the longer it goes on, the more the anger and hurt build. My mom says that what is going on is between her and her brothers to work out but they aren't working it out. As much as they think this doesn't affect the others in the family, it does. Unfortunately, the kids are forced to pick sides and who's side are we going to be on if not our parent's? Bruce will be sentenced on 11/20 and I'm pretty confident he will be remanded directly to jail. No one knows for sure how long he is going to be away. Maybe being locked up is the best thing for him. I hate it for my grandmother and for mom and Jerry because he's going to go away without this being resolved.

I'm so angry with grandmother right now because I've seen her play favorites for the first time in my life. This wasn't something that was such an issue when my grandfather was around. I blame her for all of this drama too. She's stirring it up and taking sides...rather than stepping up as the leader of the family and putting a stop to it.

Ugh, I'm dreading this weekend and the holiday season....

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff

2008-10-20T10:24:00.002-05:00

Frankly, I didn't think Sunday would get here soon enough. I had been waiting all week long for the next episode of TrueBlood! Last night's episode didn't disappoint...but personally, I thought the first 2 minutes were the best. There are two things I will complain about though. First, another week has gone by without further developing the storyline with Eric! Second, I now have another 6 days until the next episode comes on. What really sucks is that there are only 5 more episodes left in this season...which also is the number of chapters in the first book. I REALLY don't know how I'm going to be able to make it once the show is on hiatus and the next book isn't due out until MAY!

I was able to keep busy this weekend though. We ran some errands and I bought a KVM switch for my desktop computer. Yesterday, I got my work area cleaned up and installed all the stuff on my desktop that had been recently formatted. I installed a new game too and spent a lot of time trying it out. I watched 8 episodes of Angel from season 1...mainly hoping that the distraction of a non-Bill/non-Eric vampire would somehow make me forget how long I had until the next episode. It didn't help.

We're going back to Abingdon this weekend. Mom's chicks should be arriving on Wednesday and she's super excited. Matt will be staying with us next week. I've also got some family drama going on that I'm going to have to deal with. I'm so tired of all this crap going on within the family since my grandfather's death. Hopefully, grandmother and I will have some time to talk this weekend.

TrueBlood: All Flavor No Bite

2008-10-15T15:30:00.010-05:00

I've been watching the new series on HBO ever since the first show aired. Immediately after seeing that premiere episode, I went out to Borders and purchased the first 2 Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris.

Let me first just say that my ability to read and comprehend is a little different than most people's ability. When I say that I can read a book rather quickly...I ain't lying....I mean quickly. It's not that I'm skipping over things in the books either! You could give me a quiz on the material later and I would pass with flying colors. How fast am I talking about here? Well, the final Harry Potter book arrived on a Friday evening and I was completely done with it by Saturday evening. I even slept 8 hours....and ate.....and watched a little TV. It drives B insane because I'm the best customer for Barnes and Noble or Borders. We got me a library card because it would cost to dang much to keep buying new books. Ok, now on with my entry....

I read the first 2 books in a day and....B doesn't know this because I was still reading on them 4 days later. What he doesn't know is that I was reading them for the third time. Immediately, I was hooked and went out to Amazon to buy the next three books but they took forever to arrive. Luckily, I still had the tv show to keep me entertained during this wait! The books arrived and were quickly devoured in 2 days...hey, I do have other work to do! I picked up the last three and Barnes and Noble at the end of the week and finished them over the weekend.

So, I've read all 8 books...several times a piece. I've read them in order many times and now I'm reading them in reverse order. I'm obsessed! The next book comes out in May and that seems like forever!

So, back to the show. The books and the show are very similar except with some changes with Tara and Lafayette. Jason is a little different too. Having seen the episodes before reading the book, I picture "book Bill" and "book Eric" and "book Jason" just as they appear in the show...I don't care what the book description says!

I love, love, love this show and these books and am super excited that HBO picked it up for a second season!

The only problem is me trying to figure out if I am more in love with Bill or with Eric....but luckily, I found a picture with both of them so I can just sit and stare at it!

Damn!

In case I get bored, I've also got the individual pictures too.

Bill

Eric

I've been busy....I'm sorry!

2008-10-14T13:07:00.002-05:00

I can't believe that it has been a month since I posted anything to my blog. I've had so much going on and I just really haven't felt like writing about stuff.

Our dining room table was delivered and looks amazing. I'm so happy with the purchase...now if I could just get B's dad to come get the old one! I finally got my Monet replica framed and it is a huge piece! Right now it's setting on the mantel of the fireplace. Here is what it looks like though:

B actually got me the painting 2 years ago. He sent this art company a picture of the Monet painting and they do a museum quality replica of it using the same medium that the original is done in. It took them 12 to 16 weeks to finish it but the end result is stunning. The real Monet painting has very special memories for us because it is a painting that actually hangs in the NC MoA and that is the first art museum I ever visited...and B was the one who took me. *sigh*

While he was on his railfan vacation, he picked me up a beautiful photograph of Seattle with Mt. Rainer in the background. I picked it up from the frame shop last week and hung it on the wall of our breakfast nook (directly above the dog's bowl...he like art too!).

While we were home this weekend, my grandmother gave me the "End of the Trail" print that B and I got my grandfather several years ago. It was extremely important to him that I have it once he passed away but I wanted grandmother to keep it as long as she wanted to. Here is the print:

Right now, I have it sitting on the dining room table but I am going to hang it in our bedroom this weekend. It's important to me that I put it somewhere that I will see it everyday because it was definitely something he looked at everyday.

I will write more later because I still haven't covered Thanksgiving 2008, TrueBlood, and The Southern Vampire Series that I've been reading. Like I said, I've been busy!

Weekend Update

2008-09-19T10:52:00.003-05:00

Our friends decided to stay home this weekend rather than come stay with us. I'm sad that we're not going to see them but I also feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know that at some point I'm going to have to face them but I need more time...luckily, I've got it! I sent Matt a text message this morning and told him that if he wanted to come down this weekend he could. He's working so he won't get the text until this evening when he is getting ready to leave. I don't know if he'll come on down or if he'll go back to Abingdon. If he decides to go on to Abingdon, I won't be upset...it's not like B and I can't find something to get into this weekend.

The weather is supposed to be absolutely wonderful so maybe we'll go over to Harris Lake and do the 5 mile loop with the dog. I'm sure B is going to want to go look at trains this weekend too...not so sure I want to do that but I can always stay home.

Our dining room table is being delivered today...I'm super excited. They should deliver it after 2pm and I still have to get the old table and chairs out of the way. I'm also looking forward to Monday because our picture is finally going to be framed...so B and I will need to get some stuff to hang it. I also want to go to Lowes this weekend and see what kind of Fall flowers they have and maybe get some to plant in our front flowerbed.

This weekend is starting to look up!

Holding my breath...

2008-09-18T07:43:00.003-05:00

Let me say this one thing first. After having a normal period in July and August, I was excited to think that September would bring another timed period. I was obviously wrong to get so excited. I'm on cd34 with no period in sight...and I am feeling so frustrated and down.

Trust me, I'm not holding my breath waiting for my period to show up. If I were...I'd probably pass out first and kill off some brain cells due to a lack of oxygen. No, I'm holding my breath waiting to see what this weekend will bring. We have very dear friends who made the decision to try and start a family and were lucky to get pregnant the first month they tried. They told us of the pregnancy in August and I AM happy for them. None of what I'm feeling now is directed towards them...but I'm really having a hard time with the cosmic hand I've been dealt. We've been trying for almost 2 years and I can't even have a normal period....they try the first month and get pregnant. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.

These friends are coming to visit this weekend and I'm really struggling with it. B didn't really ask me what I thought about having them over and I just don't think I'm ready to see them and hear all about the pregnancy. I feel like it is too soon...and it's very possible that I wouldn't want to see them during the entire pregnancy. Wait...it's not that I don't want to see them (I do)...it's more along the lines that I don't want to have a pregnancy rubbed into my already aching wound. I don't feel like anyone really understands me...especially not B. I'm just so frustrated and if they do come to visit this weekend...I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I don't want to make her feel bad for being here and being pregnant but I don't want to spend the whole weekend feeling sad and depressed. It's just too soon...

In the meantime, I'm going to make more of an effort to get out and walk and watch my diet. I've lost 10 pounds...and that makes me feel great.

Busy, busy, busy

2008-09-15T13:22:00.003-05:00

I can't believe that September is half way through! The weather people are forecasting cooler temperatures for the area which makes me hopeful that Fall is finally starting to come to town. The trees don't change until October or November but the cooler temperatures and drier air are definitely worth getting excited about! With the cooler days, B and I will spend more time outside on the weekends...doing the 5 mile loop at Harris Lake and exploring Eno River State Park.

All has not been lost though...even though the weather may have been hot and muggy, the stores and malls have been wonderfully cool! I've been on a spending spree lately and have been been working on doing some minor decorating. In addition to the bedroom set we bought at the end of August, we purchased a 46" LCD tv for the bedroom...new lamps for the bedroom....an ottoman for my vanity table....some fabric and paint to refurbish my sofa table and turn it into the vanity table I mentioned above. I also bought a dining room table, ordered custom framing for my Monet replica, and bought a Wii.

Gotta run for now...but will definitely be writing more this week 'cause I've got something heavy weighing on my chest and will need to vent.

No title...just words

2008-08-28T11:18:00.004-05:00

I'm still recovering from my surgery on Monday and am going to see the doctor tomorrow for my post-op visit. Let me just say that he greatly exaggerated how great I was going to feel. There was no way I could have gone back to work the day after and I have felt like crap since the surgery. Last night I spiked a fever and took some Tylenol. The fever broke and I haven't had another one since.

This weekend is going to be super busy! Mom and grandmother are coming down today and Larry and Amanda are showing up tomorrow night. B leaves for Seattle on Saturday and the rest of us are going to Mt. Gillead for a cook-out at another family member's house.

I'm really looking forward to having most of next week off and getting to come back and start my new job!

Enough for now...feeling bad and need to get something to eat. Talk more later!

Bedroom Furniture

2008-08-22T10:36:00.003-05:00

We finally bought some bedroom furniture for our bedroom last weekend and it is being delivered tomorrow! I'm super excited that we're finally starting to fill in the house...we've lived in our first home for the past two years and there is so much empty space that needs furniture! I'm pretty happy with the family room but that is really the only room that is even close to being done. The breakfast table we have is falling apart so I'm going to buy a new set in the next couple of weeks. We've still got the formal living and dining room to fill, the guest bedrooms, and the loft.

The main problem I'm running into is that B and I have completely different tastes. We find it difficult to find furniture we both agree on which is why it took us a year to find our bedroom furniture!

Gotta run for now...something just came up!

Where has the time gone?

2008-08-15T08:50:00.004-05:00

I can't believe that we're already half way through August! A lot has been going on in my personal life. I went back to Virginia on July 18th to be with the family since my grandfather's last official dialysis treatment was July 14th. He passed away on July 24th...5 days after his 62nd wedding anniversary. I was able to spend time with him in his last few days. He couldn't really speak when I arrived at his house on the 18th but he recognized me and I was able to tell him how much I loved him. I spent every day with him and my grandmother and I was there when he was taken to hospice...the last time he would ever stay at the cabin. His passing was sad but I found myself being at peace and actually happy that he was finally able to be where he wanted to be his entire life. The burial was July 27th and it was a beautiful service and the weather was perfect.

I came back to Raleigh on July 29th but went back to Abingdon on July 31st for Larry and Amanda's wedding. They had paid tribute to my grandfather by placing his bible beside my grandmother and putting a rose on top. Larry carried my grandfather's pocket watch. It was a happy occasion and definitely something the family needed but it was also bittersweet. I've been in Raleigh since the wedding and it has been great to get back into a normal work routine...it keeps me from thinking too much and getting sad and depressed!

Grandmother and mom are coming down in 2 weeks and I am so excited! I also think Larry and Amanda are going to be spending Labor Day weekend with us which will be cool. Of course, B will miss out on all the fun because he'll be stomping around in Washington...looking for trains and Big Foot. We'll still have a blast without him!

So, that is the summary of things that have happened to date. I will be making more of an attempt to update more!

I'm baaaack!

2008-07-15T07:54:00.005-05:00

Vacation was wonderful! The weather was awesome, the house was great, the food was delicious, and the lighthouses were beautiful! It was a great vacation...except for B constantly checking his work email. Oh well, I didn't let it rain on my parade too much!

Although I spent a lot of time lounging around and reading the new Clive Cussler book I purchased, I did get to do some of the things on my list. The outdoor drama we went to was so cool...but it was seriously lacking in the hot Indian department. B, Matt, and I went to Ocracoke Island and saw the Banker Ponies, the lighthouse, the British Cemetery, and had snow cones. We also went and saw the Hatteras lighthouse with Mom, Dad, and Matt on a different day.

B got the SUV stuck in the sand one day so Dad and I drove up to Pea Island to try to help him get out. Luckily, a nice man had a tow strap and we were able to pull it out easily. Of course, B was pissed that we didn't go ahead and get 4-wheel drive when we bought it...but he was the one who said we would never use it.

We went to Kitty Hawk one evening for a buffet dinner which was great. We waited forever to eat but it was definitely worth it. Matt had his 28th birthday while he was down so we did a huge seafood dinner back at the house with fried shrimp, giant fried scallops, a half bushel of crabs, flounder, homemade French fries....it was way, way, way too much food for the 7 of us but it was great!

I was sad to leave but as soon as we got home, I was so happy to be back at my own house so I could sleep in my own bed and have a bathroom to myself. It was a great vacation though and I would do it again in a heart beat!

Unfortunately, things are not going well for my grandfather. His health has dramatically declined since we left on vacation and he's gotten to the point where he won't eat unless you feed him. Jerry and I are both worried that he won't make it to Larry and Amanda's wedding at this point so I'm in scramble mode. B and I are going home this weekend...and I ordered a couple of outfits to wear to the wake and funeral. B still needs to try on his suit to make sure it fits. I don't feel like we're going to have to make the decision to stop the dialysis because he's going to go on his own. I only hope and pray that when he dies, it is painless and peaceful.

Although we knew this was going to happen, it seems to be happening so fast and we find ourselves completely unprepared for what lies ahead. Seems like the dream I mentioned having in my last post is more foreboding than I originally thought. Prayers are much needed right now.

And the verdict is....

2008-07-02T08:38:00.003-05:00

Well, I had my appointment with the ENT yesterday. He says the only option is to have the mass removed but he assured me that it would be a piece of cake compared to when I had my septoplasty. Surgery is currently scheduled for 7/21 so I will miss a couple of days of work. In the meantime, he wants me to go see an allergy specialist so that I can get a full panel of tests and get started with treatments. He said it is pretty obvious that I have other allergy problems if I'm still having issues after using Veramist, Zyrtec, and Singulair. Allergy shots...what fun!

I had a horrible dream last night that my grandfather decided to stop dialysis now rather than waiting until after Larry and Amanda's wedding. For some reason, in my dream, the day he stopped dialysis was also going to be the day he died. I don't remember many of the details but I do remember me holding his hand and begging him to stay just a little while longer. I immediately forced myself awake and since it was almost time to get up anyway, I decided I didn't want to risk falling back to sleep and into that horribly sad dream.

On a happier note....

If I can just get through today and tomorrow, vacation will finally be here. On Saturday I will be seating on the beach and starting my vacation sunburn! I haven't packed a single thing and I've got so much to do at work before I leave. I'm starting to get a little stressed! My MIL will be coming tonight to get the crabs and turtle since she will be taking care of them in my absence. B still has to talk to the neighbor about watering the plants..and I'm sure he forgot to stop our mail! So many things!!!!!!!!

This says it all...

2008-06-30T09:35:00.006-05:00

I've added a vacation counter to the right hand side. Obviously I can't wait for it to get here!

Is vacation here yet?

2008-06-27T09:15:00.003-05:00

Since my last post, I've had lots of company! My brother had a six day break from his job and came down to stay with us. He arrived on June 19th and stayed until the evening of the 24th before heading back to Richmond. We had a blast as usual...I hated to see him go! Larry and Amanda came the evening of the 20th and left the night of the 22nd. B's mom and sister will be staying with us tomorrow and Sunday and my parents are coming down July 3rd so that we can go to OBX on July 5th. Wow......that's a lot of visiting!

I was originally planning on going home this weekend but mom had back surgery on Monday and has been in the hospital ever since. She didn't think she would be in there that long and is feeling pretty frustrated. Since it is now Friday and she's still not home, I've decided to stay in Holly Springs for the weekend because it would be nearly impossible for her to get any rest if I were home. She's only got about a week to prepare for vacation so she needs to recover quickly!

In other medical news, I went to the doctor for a sinus infection on Tuesday. She scheduled me for a CT the very next day. Yesterday, I got my results back and next Tuesday I go see an ENT. Turns out I have another "very large" mass in my left sinus cavity. I'm afraid the only option is to have it surgically removed and that isn't something I am really looking forward to. The recover from my septoplasty was horrible and took forever. Of course, I just can't leave it in there because the last one I had was removed with the septoplasty so this thing has grown to this size in 4 years. I just really dread what the doctor is going to say.

On to happier topics...vacation is almost here! I can already smell the salty air and feel the ocean breeze! I packed tons of Benadryl in the first aid kit this morning. I'm so hoping that I don't have a repeat of the Keys vacation where I was highly allergic to something and spent almost the whole vacation doped up on allergy medicine in bed...watching game shows and soaps. Of course I did get a reprieve when we went to the Dry Tortugas because of it's lack of trees and plant life...but I got sea sick on the boat out and threw up all over the side. Ahhh...I love my vacations!

Ok, enough chatter...time to get back to more important things!

I don't know what to say...

2008-06-19T15:02:00.002-05:00

Mom went by the dialysis center yesterday to talk to the doctor. Ultimately, it is her decision about when, where, and how my grandfather will spend his last days. She has the power of attorney and she (along with one of her brothers) has his best interests at heart. The doctor gave mom a prescription for a patch to put on him every day to calm him down and hopefully make him less combative and angry. He's had success with it on two other patients...and since it isn't a pill, we have a better chance of actually getting him to wear it without complaining.

Mom spent some time with him while he was having dialysis and he was in a good frame of mind. He was happy to see her and was laughing at her stories. It was a pleasant change from the day before when he was extremely confused. Granddad told mom that he wants to stop dialysis and that he is tired. Mom asked him if he thought he could continue until Larry and Amanda's wedding (August 2nd) but he didn't think he could wait that long. She asked him if he could at least wait until she had her back surgery so she could help out and he more or less agreed to wait until after the surgery. So, it buys us 2 to 3 weeks.

Mom and I talked about it last night and we both agree that we would hate to have this happen right before Larry and Amanda's wedding. It isn't about us being selfish but more about them wanting him there. Mom seems to think that if they can get him to wear the patch and she has some more conversations with him, she can convince him to wait until after the wedding.

It's obvious that he is ready to let go which means I need to be ready to let go too. I hope that the coming weeks pulls our family back to the closeness that we used to have instead of pushing us further and further apart. My mom has to do what is best for him and anyone who loves him would know that "doing whatever it takes to keep him alive" is not the right thing to do.

Vacation can't come soon enough!

2008-06-17T07:24:00.006-05:00

Well, I managed to survive May and June has been just as crazy. Vacation is officially 2 weeks and 4 days away. I've been putting off getting my lists together because I've had so much stuff going on but I'm starting to panic!

We went to Charlotte for the weekend to hang out with Jason and Jennifer. Rand and Amy came over Saturday night so we did what we do best...had lots of beer and wine, ate pizza rolls at 1 AM, played a pathetic game of 64, and was generally loud and obnoxious. I will say that it was nice to sleep in my own bed Sunday night...but I do miss hanging out with them.

I'm putting the whole baby thing on hold again....I've got some issues that need to be resolved first and I'm feeling like it's never going to happen for us. I've been off BCP since October 2006 and I've kind of lost hope at this point but I'm working on myself and am setting goals so we may be back on the baby wagon by the end of this year.

My grandfather is not doing well. He hasn't taken any of his medicine for the past 3 weeks and it is really starting to show. His dementia (which wasn't even noticeable before) is creating lots of problems. He's becoming more and more combative and verbally abusive to those around him. I'm still going home about 2 times a month but I don't see this side of him when I'm there. Mom is meeting with the doctor today to discuss options. The general consensus from most of the family is that this can't go on. It's always supposed to be quality over quantity and right now the quality sucks. Larry and Amanda are getting married August 2nd and the plan is to take him off dialysis shortly after that. So...we have a deadline...and I've looked at my calendar so many times in the last few days to see how many more weekends I have with him. B, Marshall, and Bill are going to Seattle 8/30 to 9/6 and I'm so afraid that B is going to end up having to cut his trip short. He's been wonderful about it though and said he would come back without any hesitation. Once we stop the dialysis, I'll be up in Virginia until the end and B is totally supportive of that decision. So...I've got at least 4 more weekends....I need to make them count!

On a happier note, Matt will be down tomorrow night through Monday evening. It's his 5 off break and I'm super excited because I haven't seen him in forever. No big plans have been made...we're just going to hang out and not make many plans.

Enough of the book now...until later!

I always sucked at journals!

2008-05-01T07:11:00.006-05:00

This is definitely something that I just can't seem to do on a regular basis. I was never good at writing in journals...and after working with computers all day long, going home to type on one isn't in my top 10 list.

April flew by so quickly! I guess when I'm traveling back to Abingdon twice a month...it makes the time fly. The family is taking the wait and see approach with my grandfather. He hasn't been on the seizure medication for about a month now and he hasn't had a seizure...but it also hasn't reduced his confusion and anger. When I think back to this time last month, I was facing the possibility that I would be watching one of the most influential people in my life start the dying process this month. We aren't to that point yet though. We're continuing treatment as long as we have an occasional good day. It really is the good days we hang on to because they are the only things that get us through the really horrible days. I know in my heart that this can't continue forever. At some point, I will have to say goodbye. It just doesn't seem like there has been enough time.

May is going to be extremely busy! I'm going to Abingdon this weekend and next weekend. The weekend after that we are going to Bryson City, NC for B's 30th birthday celebration with his family. The weekend after that is our anniversary...I can't believe we've been married 7 years already. June already has three weekends filled and then we're into July which means our beach trip finally happens!

Shew....

14 Days Till Christmas!!!!!

2007-12-10T12:44:00.000-05:00

With only two weeks left until the holidays are upon us, I've found myself becoming more obsessive with list making. There is the list of things to do before this Thursday, the things to do on Friday, the weekend dinner plan, the weekend grocery list, the did-I-get-all-my-relatives-a-present list, the Christmas card list, the baking list, the packing list, the Fez packing list...all I get done are lists!!!!

I just keep telling myself...this too shall pass...this too shall pass.

17 days till Christmas!

2007-12-07T12:13:00.000-05:00

As I sit here in my office and look out the window, I wonder what is in store for me in 2008. I've finally committed to a date to take my CAPM exam. My fingers are crossed that I pass it on my first try.

Matt is in a relationship with someone new. She seems very nice so we'll have to wait and see what happens. He was getting pinned this morning so his training is over! Yeah for him! Mom and dad have a new puppy and its nice to hear the excitement and happiness in her voice for once.

Christmas is around the corner and it's time to start counting my blessings for this year and setting goals for 2008. Have you made your list?

You Know Who You Are (A letter written but never sent)

2007-09-25T18:00:00.000-05:00

I stumbled across your MySpace page one day when I was searching it for people from my past. I don't know why I put your name in the search box; I can only assume that it is because you used to be an important part of our lives. I was surprised to see that you're pregnant and that you had moved away from Abingdon. I tried to be happy for you but have often felt sadder for Matt because he loved you and those kids as if they were his own. I don't know what kind of father Seth is, but I do know that no one would have been a better parent than Matt. Looking at the pictures, I was amazed to see how much the kids have changed in the past year and I realized how much I/we have missed them.

Ever so often, I would come back to your page and look at the photos. I keep thinking back to the last time I saw you, when we were preparing for Grandmother and Granddad's anniversary party. I remember helping with the chocolate strawberries and thinking that this must be what it's like to have a sister. I was so happy for you and Matt, happy that you were going to be a part of the family, and happy that life appeared so great.

Of course we all know what happened next, and I won't rehash it but I will say that it affected all of us but Matthew had it the worst. I'm not going to pretend that what Matt did was right, he knows he screwed up. On the other hand though, I don't think Matt should have to shoulder the blame on his own. Time has passed and I've had time to think. Even if Matt had walked the straight and narrow, I think you had already checked out of the relationship. At the time, I was angry that Matt had been so hurt but now I see it as a blessing that it ended when it did.

I've been reading your blog for the past week and wondering what you must be feeling. I feel bad for your kids because they've lost another role model, I feel sorry for you because you're about to bring a new life into this world and are facing what is supposed to be on of the happiest days of your life without having Seth there.

Today, I read your most recent post and it is what has driven me to write. There is a line where you call Seth one of the "smartest, talented, gifted, loving, charming individuals on this Earth" and I just wanted to tell you I disagree. Seth can never take that title from Matthew. Nowhere in this world would you have found another man that would love you and your kids so fiercely that the lines of biology would have been erased. Matthew would have never left you almost 9 months pregnant. Seth doing that just reinforces that he's not the smartest or most loving individual on Earth.

Yes, a year has passed. Matt has moved on, he has his scars but he's happy. He left Abingdon and is making a new life for himself in another part of Virginia. He's making new friends, and he's looking for that one person to spend the rest of his life with. He's looking for the one who will love all of him...even his faults. He also has seen your page and knows about your pregnancy. Even after everything that has happened, he still loves you but he's finally ready to let someone else inside his heart. Personally, I think it's ironic that Seth seems to suffer from the very same issues that you left Matt for. You don't deserve Matt and that is the one thing I'm sure of. Karma really is a bitch, isn't it?